Does your wife yell and scream at you often? If the behavior is relatively new there could be an unresolved issue or point of contention that you need to address together to stop the loud outbursts. If the yelling is chronic behavior you should know that yelling at your spouse is an unproductive and unhealthy behavior that needs to stop. Here’s what you should do if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who keeps shouting at you.
Tell Her Screaming at You is Unacceptable
The first thing you should do if your husband or wife is yelling at you is remain calm. Trying to yell over her will only make the conflict escalate. Remain calm and tell them that the yelling is unacceptable behavior that needs to stop.
Try to calm her down after she yells and let her know you are concerned about how upset she has been getting. When you are both calm, have a discussion about it and let her know that it needs to stop. Tell her how you feel when she yells at you, and practice mirroring and validation exercises in the Imago dialogue script.
Let Her Talk
Let her talk and be an active, engaged listener. Ask her if something has been bothering her, how she has been feeling, and if there is anything about their relationship she would like to improve. Perhaps she doesn’t feel heard or there is a lack of validation in your communication. Simply acknowledging what someone says does not make a person feel heard. She may be raising her voice in an effort to garner your attention or affection, however misguided.
Ask her how she feels before, during, and after she yells at you. This may offer clues as to why she feels the need to scream and shout at you (although there is no good reason to yell at your husband or wife).
Ask your wife if you are helping out enough around the house. Sometimes when one spouse feels overwhelmed and they do not communicate this to their mate calmly it can come out later as an outburst.
Discuss your parental roles and duties, and see if there is anything she needs help with or whether these duties need to be divided a different way.
Encourage your spouse to attend therapy if there are unresolved issues from their past that they are having trouble coping with. Sometimes the pain from past trauma can resurface and roar its ugly head as anger.
Identify & Confirm Knowledge of Responsibilities
It can be helpful to write down all of the household duties that each of you are responsible for in a given week or month. Sometimes we don’t realize that our spouse is carrying the bulk of these and they may start feeling resentful and exhausted, presenting as angry outbursts.
She Craves Your Attention
The most common reason for a wife to yell at her husband is she craves his attention and affection, and feels you ignore or neglect her as your wife. When was the last time you took her out on a date? Bought her flowers? Or surprised her with a weekend trip? Your wife craves your attention and wants to feel loved and valued by her husband. If she is feeling neglected or ignored she may resort to shouting in an attempt to get your attention.
- How to Respond When Your Spouse is Angry: Mirroring
- What to Do If You’re Living with an Angry Husband or Wife
- Is Name Calling Verbal Abuse?
- Communication Coaching for Couples
- Empathy Relationship Counseling
She May Feel Overwhelmed
Ask her if she has had a larger workload than normal or had new responsibilities at work that could be tipping the scales. She may need a day off or a getaway to decompress and destress. If she is indeed under more stress than usual from work suggest a fun day playing hookie from the office together or send some AirBnB’s for you to get out of town for the weekend and enjoy one another’s company. It might be just what she needs to get back to her usual self.
If your husband or wife has been shouting at you contact The Marriage Restoration Project or fill out the form below. We have been practicing Imago relationship therapy online and in-person across the United States, in the Caribbean, and beyond for more than a decade. We can help you get to the bottom of these outbursts and solve the underlying issue causing it at an immersive couples therapy retreat.