Relationship Repair Attempts: What They Are, Why They Work & 10 Examples for Your Own Marriage
Dr. John Gottman calls repair attempts the emotionally intelligent couple’s secret weapon. They’re the small but powerful gestures that stop an argument from spiraling out of control — and they might be the most underrated relationship skill of all.
Even if you’ve never heard the term before, chances are you and your partner already use repair attempts in some form. But not all attempts are equally effective. Let’s unpack how they work, when they fail, and how to practice them intentionally in your own marriage.
What Are Relationship Repair Attempts?
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman defines a repair attempt as any statement or action — serious or silly — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
Examples can range from a playful smile, a gentle touch, or saying, “Can we start over?” to something humorous like sticking your tongue out in the middle of an argument.
Essentially, it’s a signal that says, “I care more about us than about being right.”
When they work, repair attempts are like hitting a reset button — they shift your nervous system from fight mode to calm, allowing both partners to re-engage with empathy and perspective.
Why Some Repair Attempts Fail
Not every repair attempt lands. If resentment has built up or emotional safety has eroded, your partner might not recognize your bid for connection.
Gottman’s research shows that repair attempts are more effective when a relationship already has:
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Strong friendship and fondness
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Regular positive interactions (more praise than criticism)
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A culture of appreciation instead of defensiveness
Couples who maintain a positive emotional “bank account” are quicker to notice — and respond to — their partner’s bids for repair. Those who don’t may miss or even reject them.
How to Make Repair Attempts Work in Real Life
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Strengthen your friendship first. Repair attempts only work when there’s trust. Invest in connection outside of conflict — shared laughter, gratitude, affection.
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Notice your own triggers. Self-awareness makes it easier to offer calm, sincere repair attempts instead of reactive ones.
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Practice empathy. Try to see the argument from your partner’s perspective before defending your own.
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Use gentle humor, not sarcasm. Lightness works; mockery doesn’t.
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Build a vocabulary of repair phrases. Pre-planned language helps you stay grounded even in heated moments.
10 Examples of Relationship Repair Attempts
Here are practical repair attempts to help you de-escalate and reconnect during conflict:
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“Let me try that again.”
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“I see what you’re saying.”
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“Please give me a minute — I need a break.”
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“The story I’m telling myself about this is…”
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“I’m feeling defensive. Can you say that another way?”
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“I’m getting overwhelmed.”
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“Can we talk about something else for a while?”
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“This is important to me. Please listen.”
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“We’re a team. This is our problem.”
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A playful gesture — like sticking your tongue out, a goofy dance, or a warm touch — to break tension.
Experiment with these and find what feels natural. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s staying emotionally connected when it matters most.
The Link Between Friendship and Repair
Couples with strong friendships have an easier time repairing conflict because they assume good intent. They know their partner isn’t the enemy — just human.
That’s why one of the most powerful ways to improve repair attempts is to strengthen your friendship system — small daily acts of turning toward, appreciation, and curiosity.
When you feel safe with each other, you don’t need grand gestures to repair — a single glance or squeeze of the hand is enough.
Repair Attempts in Therapy
In our Marriage Intensives, couples practice this skill live with structured dialogue. Repair attempts are woven into the Imago-based “Safe Conversations” model — teaching couples to pause, reframe, and empathize in the moment rather than escalate.
For couples who can’t attend in person, our Marriage School and DIY Imago Exercises give you the same tools at home.
Key Takeaways
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Repair attempts are micro-moments that help couples de-escalate conflict and reconnect emotionally.
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Their success depends on the overall emotional climate — especially friendship and trust.
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You can learn and practice them like any communication skill.
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Humor, validation, and empathy are the most effective forms of repair.
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Strengthening daily positive interactions makes repair attempts more natural and automatic.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do repair attempts really work?
Yes — research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who use repair attempts consistently have significantly higher relationship satisfaction and longevity.
What if my partner ignores my repair attempts?
Start by strengthening your daily friendship behaviors — gratitude, kindness, shared time. Emotional safety must exist before repair attempts can succeed.
Are repair attempts the same as apologizing?
Not exactly. Apologies acknowledge wrongdoing; repair attempts prevent escalation before it becomes damaging.
Can we practice repair attempts ahead of time?
Absolutely. Practicing phrases or gestures when calm makes it easier to use them during real conflict.
Do these work in serious relationship crises?
They help — but if there’s betrayal, trauma, or chronic resentment, deeper work like a Marriage Intensive Retreat may be needed.
Sources
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
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The Gottman Institute. “Repair Attempts: The Secret Weapon of Emotionally Intelligent Couples.”
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The Marriage Restoration Project. Marriage Intensives, Marriage School, DIY Imago Therapy Exercises.
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Imago Relationships International. Safe Conversations Framework and Mirroring Techniques.
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American Psychological Association (APA). “Positive Psychology and Emotional Regulation in Couples Therapy.”
