Recognizing the Four Horsemen in Your Marriage And How to Turn Things Around – According to Gottman

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a biblical metaphor that John Gottman adapted to describe four destructive communication patterns that predict divorce with high accuracy¹. Recognizing these behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—is crucial if you want to prevent them from eroding the foundation of your relationship².

How to Recognize, Anticipate, and Mitigate Destructive Behavior

When you notice tension rising, and you sense a disagreement could escalate into an unproductive fight, pause. Call a “time out” and agree on a safe word to signal that both partners need space before continuing³. This preemptive strategy helps prevent emotional harm and allows for more constructive conversations later.

Four Horsemen in Marriage Explained

Click on the links below to jump to the section about each of the four destructive behaviors that can ruin a relationship.

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Criticism

Criticism targets your partner’s character instead of their behavior. While frustration is natural, habitual criticism corrodes intimacy⁴. If you find yourself dumping your day’s stress onto your partner, adopt self-soothing strategies—deep breathing, journaling, or short breaks—to avoid hurtful exchanges. When you slip up, acknowledge it and apologize.

Contempt

Contempt is the most dangerous of the four horsemen⁵. It involves conveying superiority—through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or dismissive language. Over time, contempt breeds resentment and emotional trauma. If you feel belittled, communicate how this behavior affects you, and work together to establish a “reset” phrase to stop the interaction before it escalates.

If your partner makes you feel like you are not their equal it’s time to take inventory of your relationship expectations. Once you have you can schedule a time to sit down with your partner and express how this behavior makes you feel inferior. Together you can come up with a strategy or safe word to say when they make you feel this way to avoid an unnecessary escalation.

Oftentimes this behavior is unintentional and if you do not communicate how much it hurts you they will continue the destructive patterns of behavior.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of shifting blame and refusing responsibility⁶. While it may feel like self-protection, it often escalates conflict. Learn to differentiate between criticism and a legitimate complaint, and practice accepting responsibility—even for part of the problem—to break this destructive cycle.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal to avoid confrontation⁷. This silent treatment can last minutes, hours, or even days, leaving the other partner feeling dismissed and unheard. If you or your partner withdraws, agree to take a structured break with a clear commitment to return to the discussion when calmer.

Flooding: When Your System Shuts Down and You Can’t Communicate

Flooding occurs when a person becomes so physiologically overwhelmed that productive communication is impossible⁸. Recognizing signs of flooding—racing heart, shallow breathing, muscle tension—allows you to pause, self-regulate, and re-engage when you feel safe.

How to Recognize the Four Horsemen in Your Marriage

• Do you notice frequent criticism or personal attacks?

• Are there patterns of superiority or belittlement?

• Do you often deflect blame rather than take ownership?

• Is withdrawal or the silent treatment a common response to conflict?

Awareness is the first step. Once recognized, these patterns can be replaced with healthier communication habits.

What to Do If You Recognize the Four Horsemen

If you recognize any of the four horsemen in your relationship, it is important to act. Talk to your partner about what is happening and how it is making you feel. Invite them to share their feelings as well so that together you can discover resources to help improve communication and renew intimacy in your marriage.

1. Talk openly about what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel.

2. Invite your partner’s perspective to create mutual understanding.

3. Seek professional help—preferably with a counselor trained in evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method or Imago Relationship Therapy⁹.

An intensive marriage counseling retreat can help break entrenched patterns and rebuild trust and intimacy.

Seek professional help. An Imago marriage therapist can help you and your partner learn how to communicate more effectively at an intensive marriage counseling retreat, resolving conflict in a healthier way and allowing each of you to feel heard and validated.

Key Takeaways

• The Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are proven predictors of divorce.

• Recognizing and interrupting these patterns early improves long-term relationship satisfaction.

• Practical tools like safe words, structured breaks, and self-soothing help prevent escalation.

• Professional guidance can accelerate progress in replacing destructive habits with healthy communication.

References

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

2. Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

3. Markman, H. J., et al. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass.

4. Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.

5. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.

6. Roloff, M. E., & Cloven, D. H. (1990). The chilling effect in interpersonal relationships: The reluctance to speak one’s mind. Communication Monographs, 57(1), 79–92.

7. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic. W. W. Norton & Company.

8. Levenson, R. W., & Gottman, J. M. (1983). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(3), 587–597.

9. Shapiro, A. F., & Gottman, J. M. (2005). Effects on marriage of a psycho-communicative-educational intervention with couples undergoing the transition to parenthood. Evaluation and Program Planning, 28(4), 365–375.