If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Could my childhood experiences be the reason I struggle with intimacy in my marriage?” — you’re not alone.
Many couples silently carry wounds from the past into their closest relationships today.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), more than two in three children experience at least one traumatic event before the age of 16. These experiences can include emotional or physical neglect, loss, bullying, or more overt trauma like abuse or witnessing violence.
But trauma isn’t always obvious — it can also be subtle. Even moments of perceived rejection, criticism, or abandonment can leave lasting emotional imprints that affect how we love and connect later in life.
When these early wounds aren’t identified and healed, they often resurface as emotional distance, conflict, or intimacy issues in marriage. The good news? Healing is possible — both individually and together as a couple.
What Counts as Childhood Trauma (and Why It Matters in Marriage)
Childhood trauma refers to any experience that overwhelms a child’s ability to cope. This could be physical or sexual abuse, emotional neglect, abandonment, or even growing up in a household where love felt conditional.
What matters most isn’t the event itself, but how it made the child feel — powerless, unsafe, or unworthy. When we don’t have a caregiver to help us process those feelings, our brains and nervous systems adapt for survival.
These adaptations often show up years later in relationships as:
- Fear of closeness or rejection
- Difficulty trusting or depending on others
- Overreacting during conflict (fight, flight, or freeze)
- Guilt, shame, or low self-worth
- Challenges with sexual or emotional intimacy
Research shows that unresolved trauma can alter brain development, attachment style, and even physical health. In marriages, that translates to disconnection, miscommunication, and recurring conflict cycles that feel impossible to break.
How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Marriage
Even if you’ve built a successful life, your nervous system may still respond to your spouse as if you were that scared or lonely child again. This often happens subconsciously.
Here are common signs childhood trauma may be affecting your intimacy:
- You or your spouse struggle to express emotions without shutting down or lashing out
- One partner feels clingy while the other tends to withdraw
- You frequently feel “triggered” or unsafe during arguments
- You fear abandonment or have difficulty trusting love will last
- There’s a pattern of pursuing and distancing — one partner wants connection, the other avoids it
- You feel shame, guilt, or self-doubt when trying to be vulnerable or sexual
- Physical affection feels tense or uncomfortable
These patterns don’t mean your marriage is broken — they’re signs your body is protecting itself in the only way it knows how.
Step 1: Take a Self-Inventory
Healing starts with awareness. Ask yourself and your partner:
- “What did love feel like in my childhood home?”
- “When I feel rejected or disconnected, what does that remind me of?”
- “Do I notice patterns in how I react during conflict?”
There’s no hierarchy of trauma — pain is pain. Recognizing what shaped your attachment style is the first step toward changing it.
Step 2: Seek Professional, Trauma-Informed Help
Trauma healing requires safety, patience, and professional guidance. Working with a licensed therapist who understands trauma and attachment can help you uncover old wounds without re-traumatizing yourself.
Therapy helps you:
- Identify patterns and triggers
- Learn self-regulation techniques
- Develop empathy for yourself and your partner
- Build new pathways for closeness and trust
If weekly therapy hasn’t brought the breakthrough you need, consider a more immersive approach. A trauma-informed marriage retreat or intensive can create a safe, structured environment to process together.
✨ Explore our options:
- Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat + Follow-Up Sessions → https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/private-marriage-intensive-couples-therapy-retreat/
- Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop → https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/getting-the-love-you-want-couples-workshop/
These experiences are designed to help couples move past pain, rebuild safety, and reconnect — even when old wounds are deeply rooted.
Step 3: Practice Self-Care and Co-Regulation
Recovery isn’t just about talking — it’s about calming the body and nervous system.
Self-care tips that help heal trauma and improve intimacy:
- Move your body daily — exercise helps release built-up tension
- Prioritize restful sleep and healthy meals
- Practice mindfulness or breathing exercises together
- Schedule “connection time” without screens or distractions
- Journal or use gratitude practices to anchor safety
- Celebrate progress, not perfection
Small daily actions help your nervous system trust safety and love again.
Step 4: Heal Together, Not Alone
Intimacy is rebuilt through small, safe experiences of connection. Healing childhood trauma within marriage means practicing co-regulation — using each other’s presence to soothe and connect instead of trigger.
You can start today by:
- Listening without interrupting or fixing
- Mirroring instead of defending
- Offering physical reassurance (a hand, a hug) when it feels safe
- Learning each other’s triggers and boundaries
Over time, these moments teach your body that intimacy is safe again.
When to Consider an Intensive Marriage Retreat
If you’ve tried weekly sessions but keep repeating the same arguments or shutdowns, an intensive couples therapy retreat can accelerate healing by providing uninterrupted focus and expert guidance.
Our Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat combines personalized trauma-informed therapy with eight weekly follow-up sessions to sustain progress long after the weekend.
Couples often say it feels like “six months of therapy in two days.”
You can also explore our Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop, a group experience that teaches safe communication for partners working through childhood or relational wounds.
Key Takeaways
- Childhood trauma can profoundly affect intimacy — but awareness and intentional healing can transform your marriage.
- Trauma shows up as protection, not rejection — your reactions are your body’s way of keeping you safe.
- Healing takes both partners: individual reflection + relational repair.
- Professional, trauma-informed support makes all the difference.
- Intensive retreats offer deep healing when weekly therapy isn’t enough.
FAQ: Healing Intimacy Issues from Childhood Trauma
Q: Can childhood trauma cause intimacy issues in marriage?
Yes. Unresolved childhood trauma can impact attachment, trust, emotional regulation, and physical intimacy. These patterns often emerge most strongly in committed relationships.
Q: What if only one of us has trauma?
Even if only one partner experienced trauma, it affects the whole relationship. Healing together helps both partners build empathy and understanding instead of blame.
Q: How do I know if trauma is affecting our sex life?
If affection feels unsafe, shameful, or disconnected, it may be linked to past experiences. A trauma-informed couples therapist can help identify and address these patterns.
Q: Can we really heal from this?
Yes — with commitment and the right guidance, couples can rewire old patterns, rebuild trust, and create new experiences of closeness.
Q: How long does it take to see change?
You might feel small shifts within weeks of focused work, but deep healing takes time. Retreats or intensives often help jump-start progress more quickly.
About the Author
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Through The Marriage Restoration Project, he and his wife, Rivka, have helped thousands of couples repair their marriages through private intensives, workshops, and online programs focused on communication, connection, and healing.
Sources
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. “Understanding Child Trauma.” Updated August 19, 2022.
- Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Supporting Brain Development in Traumatized Children and Youth.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2017.
- Center for Health Care Strategies. “Understanding How Trauma Affects Health and Health Care.” Kuruna, T. (2016).
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network. “Effects of Complex Trauma.” https://www.nctsn.org
- The Meadows Outpatient Center. “Does Childhood Trauma Cause Intimacy Issues?” 2024.
- Vaillancourt-Morel, M.P. et al. “Partner Effects of Childhood Maltreatment.” Frontiers in Psychology, 2023.
- The Marriage Restoration Project. “Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat + Follow-Up Sessions.” https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/private-marriage-intensive-couples-therapy-retreat/
