By Rivka Slatkin, Co-Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project
I’ll be honest—I find it really hard to respond vs. react. It takes effort to use conscious, compassionate communication instead of falling back on my default reaction—especially when I’m tired, hungry, or feeling threatened.
But here’s the truth: nothing “forces” us to grow more than marriage does.
Living with a partner (and kids) means you can’t just scream, blame, or react all the time. The damage from reactive communication can be irreparable. Those moments erode trust. They leave your spouse or children feeling unsafe, blamed, shamed, and even emotionally abused.
If you want stronger relationships, the first step is to take stock of how you communicate today.
How My Marriage Was Saved by No-Blame, No-Shame Communication
I grew up in a reactive home. If my parents felt like screaming, they did. As the oldest child, I often bore the brunt of their frustration. Their conflict and eventual divorce left me wounded, and without realizing it, I carried those patterns into my own marriage.
When Shlomo and I had our first child—with sleepless nights and stress—I began reacting the same way I had seen in childhood. It almost destroyed us.
What saved us was learning a new way: the Imago Dialogue, a no-blame, no-shame approach that creates safety, compassion, and understanding. With the help of an Imago therapist, we rebuilt our communication—and ultimately, our marriage. Without it, we wouldn’t be here today.
The Imago Dialogue: A Tool for Responding Instead of Reacting
The Imago Dialogue is one of the most effective frameworks for teaching healthy communication. It’s a three-step process:
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Mirroring – Repeat back what your partner said to show you truly heard them.
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Validation – Affirm that their perspective makes sense, even if you don’t fully agree.
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Empathy – Express care and compassion for their feelings.
These steps shift communication from blame and reactivity to safety and connection. Over time, they help couples rebuild trust and intimacy.
Why Responding Is Healthier Than Reacting
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Reacting comes from a place of threat and defensiveness. It escalates arguments, damages trust, and repeats childhood patterns.
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Responding comes from awareness. It uses calm, compassionate communication to de-escalate conflict and deepen understanding.
Research on nonviolent communication shows that couples who adopt reflective listening and empathy-based dialogue report greater relationship satisfaction and lower conflict levels.12
Get Started with Safer Communication
Here are a few simple ways to begin:
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Pause before replying—take a breath and ask yourself, “Am I about to react or respond?”
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Practice Imago’s 3 steps with printable worksheets [link].
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Seek support from a licensed couples therapist if reactivity feels overwhelming.
At The Marriage Restoration Project, we help couples learn and practice these skills through our 2-Day Marriage Retreats, online counseling, and nonviolent communication training. We also provide certification for therapists and coaches who want to facilitate Imago Dialogue with others.
Key Takeaways
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Reacting damages trust; responding builds it.
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Childhood patterns often repeat in marriage until new skills are learned.
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The Imago Dialogue (Mirror, Validate, Empathize) is a proven tool to create safety and compassion.
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Practicing no-blame, no-shame communication can completely transform relationships.
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Support through counseling or retreats accelerates the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I always react instead of respond?
Reacting is often a learned survival strategy from childhood or past relationships. When you feel threatened, your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight. Responding requires slowing down, noticing the trigger, and choosing a calmer response.
How can I practice responding in the moment?
Try a pause: take three deep breaths, put your hand on your chest, and count to five before speaking. This helps shift your brain out of reactivity and gives you space to respond thoughtfully.
What if my spouse keeps reacting even when I try to respond calmly?
You can’t control their reactions—but you can model safer communication. Over time, consistent responding (rather than escalating) often de-escalates your spouse, too. If the cycle continues, couples therapy or a marriage retreat can provide structure and accountability.
Is reacting always bad?
Not always. Quick emotional reactions are natural and human. The problem is when they become patterns of blame, criticism, or defensiveness. Healthy relationships require learning how to repair and shift from reaction to response.
Sources
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Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press. ↩
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Rogge, R. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (1999). Till violence do us part: The differing roles of communication and aggression in predicting marital outcomes. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 67(3), 340–351. ↩
