When your wife says she wants out—or your husband tells you he’s done—it can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you. The panic, the racing thoughts, the fear of losing your family… all of it can make it hard to think clearly.
But here’s the truth: even when things look hopeless, it’s still possible to win your spouse back—if you know how to respond calmly and intentionally instead of reacting from fear.
In this episode of Can This Marriage Be Saved? we’ll walk you through the exact steps to take when your spouse says they want a divorce so you can begin to repair the marriage instead of pushing them further away.
🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode below to learn what to do when your husband or wife wants a divorce.
Step One: Stay Calm and Don’t Panic
When your spouse says they want to separate or divorce, it’s normal to feel an intense sense of urgency—like there’s a ticking clock counting down to the end of your relationship.
But reacting out of fear will only make things worse.
“When one partner pulls away, the other often pursues harder. That creates a chase dynamic that pushes them even further away.”
If you’re the “Maximizer” or “Hailstorm” type—someone who gets anxious and wants to fix things immediately—you’ll be tempted to call, text, and plead. But constant pursuit usually backfires. The more you chase, the more your spouse retreats.
Instead, take a breath and slow down. This is about thoughtful strategy, not emotional reaction.
Step Two: Do the “180 Challenge”
One of the most effective ways to begin rebuilding trust is to do the opposite of what your instincts might be telling you.
If you’ve been nagging, begging, or demanding answers—stop. Give your spouse space.
Doing a “180” means shifting from desperation to calm confidence:
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Stop chasing.
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Stop asking for reassurance.
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Stop trying to “convince” them.
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Start focusing on your own healing and emotional balance.
When your spouse feels you’re no longer trying to control or pressure them, it allows them to relax and start re-evaluating their feelings. This small shift alone can begin to reopen the door to connection.
Step Three: Take Responsibility for Your Role
This is one of the hardest but most powerful things you can do.
Instead of blaming or defending, take a sincere look at your contribution to the relationship’s struggles. Ask yourself:
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Have I really listened to my spouse’s needs without getting defensive?
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Have I made them feel appreciated, respected, and emotionally safe?
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Have I minimized or ignored their concerns?
When you can express genuine accountability and remorse for how you may have contributed to the disconnection, your spouse is far more likely to feel safe enough to soften and listen.
“The more responsibility you can take for your role in the relationship, the more your spouse may begin to see hope for real change.”
Step Four: Show, Don’t Tell, That Things Can Be Different
At this point, your spouse likely believes nothing will ever change—that they’ve seen this movie before. Your job is to surprise them by showing consistent, tangible changes that align with what they’ve been asking for.
Learn their love language and speak it daily.
If they’ve said they need more space, give it.
If they’ve said they don’t feel heard, listen fully—without interrupting or defending.
This is the beginning of re-establishing emotional safety.
Step Five: Understand the Purpose of Conflict
Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy all the time. Conflict exists to help you grow as individuals and as a couple.
When your marriage feels like a “power struggle,” it’s not a sign that you’re incompatible—it’s a sign that something deeper is asking to be healed.
Your conflict is not random; it’s purposeful. It’s your relationship’s way of pushing both of you toward greater self-awareness, empathy, and maturity.
Bonus: What If Your Spouse Is in an Affair or Seeing an Individual Therapist?
This is one of the most difficult situations to face. Sometimes, a partner in crisis will turn to someone else—emotionally or physically—for comfort.
Other times, an individual therapist may inadvertently reinforce your spouse’s doubts or suggest separation as a solution.
If that’s happening, don’t give up hope. You can still repair your marriage. It takes patience, emotional regulation, and the right tools to create a new dynamic your spouse actually wants to return to.
Our 2-Day Private Marriage Restoration Retreat is designed specifically for couples in crisis—including those facing infidelity, separation, or talk of divorce. You’ll gain the structure, safety, and communication tools you need to start again.
Key Takeaways
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Don’t panic or beg when your spouse says they want a divorce—it will only push them further away.
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Take a “180” approach: give them space and focus on your own emotional growth.
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Take responsibility for your role in the relationship’s struggles.
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Show, don’t tell, that change is possible.
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Remember that conflict can be purposeful—it’s often a doorway to growth, not an ending.
FAQs
Q: What if my spouse refuses counseling?
That’s okay. You can still begin the process yourself. When one person changes their behavior and emotional tone, it often shifts the whole dynamic.
Q: How long should I wait before reaching out again?
Every situation is different. What matters is emotional readiness—reaching out too soon can trigger defensiveness. Work on your stability first.
Q: Can a marriage survive if one partner wants a divorce?
Yes. Many couples who attend our retreats come in with one foot out the door—and leave recommitted. Change is possible when safety and accountability return.
Sources
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Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
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Hendrix, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want. St. Martin’s Press.
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American Psychological Association. Managing Relationship Conflict.
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Slatkin, S. (Podcast). Can This Marriage Be Saved
