“How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage”- Has this happened to you?

“How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage” is the story of too many people’s experiences yet most people are unaware of how common it is. Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage? While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge, many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time.

When Individual Therapy Becomes a Marriage Killer

One wife once told me:

“We were married for twenty years. It wasn’t perfect, but we stayed together. Then I started individual therapy… and suddenly, I didn’t want to work on it anymore.”

Her therapist encouraged her to “work on herself” and focus on her personal happiness—without including her husband in the healing process. Soon, she was more bonded with the therapist than with her spouse.

Therapy that focuses only on the individual in a relational crisis often erases the “we” that makes marriage work.

Why Individual Therapy Can Undermine Your Relationship

1. Your Therapist Only Hears Half the Story

No matter how skilled they are, a therapist who hasn’t met your spouse can’t fully understand your dynamic. Yet some still advise clients to divorce or diagnose a spouse they’ve never seen.

That advice can shatter hope and reinforce blame instead of fostering healing.

(See also: Marriage Counseling vs Individual Therapy)

2. Therapists Are Human — and Bring Their Own Biases

Even the most ethical professionals can project their own experiences or biases.

• A therapist who’s endured controlling relationships may overreact to normal frustration.

• Another who’s seen trauma may encourage separation “for safety,” even when there’s no abuse.

Therapists are trained to be neutral, but they are also human—and unaware advice can destroy a family that could have been healed.

3. They Forget the Bigger Picture: Families, Not Just Feelings

A marriage is not just two adults—it’s often an entire family system. When a therapist encourages divorce, they may not consider the generational impact of that choice: children who grow up without a model for repair often repeat those same patterns in their own marriages.

4. Labeling Your Spouse Can Poison Hope

One of the most damaging trends in therapy is diagnosis without context.
I’ve heard of therapists labeling a partner “narcissistic” or “toxic” based solely on one side of the story. Once those words take hold, it’s almost impossible to unsee your spouse through that lens.

Even normal marital conflicts—like criticism, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal—can be misinterpreted as pathology. In reality, these are learned survival strategies that can be transformed with the right kind of couples therapy.

5. The Relationship Stops Being the Focus

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we view marriage as the laboratory for growth and healing. You were drawn to your partner for a reason—often to finish the emotional work that began in childhood.

When therapy shifts focus away from the relationship and onto individual fulfillment, the couple loses the chance to grow together. The “problem” becomes your spouse, rather than the dynamic between you.

So, What Should You Do Instead?

If your therapist’s advice has led to doubt or resentment, don’t despair. Here’s how to protect and repair your marriage:

1. Bring your concerns into the open. Talk with your spouse honestly about how therapy has affected your feelings.

2. Seek a couples therapist who specializes in relational healing, not just conflict resolution. Imago Relationship Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy are both research-supported approaches that focus on connection.

3. Avoid triangulation. Don’t use your therapist as a referee or mouthpiece (“My therapist said you…”).

4. Choose relational over individual growth. Work together on communication, safety, and empathy skills that allow both partners to heal.

5. Focus on rebuilding trust. The right marriage counselor will teach you how to create safety, not blame.

(Explore: How to Make Sure Marriage Counseling Will Work for You)

Can Therapy Ever Destroy a Marriage?

Yes—and it happens more often than you think. But that doesn’t mean therapy itself is bad. It means the wrong kind of therapy, applied to the wrong situation, can do harm.

Marriage counseling should be about creating connection, not blame. When done correctly, it helps couples:

• See each other’s pain with compassion

• Learn new communication skills

• Rebuild trust and intimacy

• Turn conflict into understanding

If your therapist didn’t help you do that, it might be time for a different approach.

(Try: Private Marriage Intensive Retreats)

Key Takeaways

• Individual therapy can unintentionally harm marriages by fueling resentment or confusion.

• Always seek relationship-based therapy when your goal is to save your marriage.

• Avoid labeling or blaming; focus on mutual healing.

• The right marriage therapy can rebuild safety, love, and trust—even after bad experiences.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q1. Can therapy make a marriage worse?
Yes, if it focuses only on one partner’s story. Relationship dynamics require both perspectives; otherwise, advice can become one-sided or biased.

Q2. Should I stop seeing my individual therapist?
Not necessarily—but make sure your therapist understands that your goal is to improve your marriage, not to analyze or judge your spouse.

Q3. What should I look for in a marriage counselor?
Seek a therapist trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and advanced couples methodologies. These are proven, relationally focused approaches.

Q4. How can I recover if therapy hurt my relationship?
Be honest with your spouse about what happened and find a couples specialist. A marriage intensive can often reset the connection quickly.

Q5. Can a damaged marriage be saved after bad therapy?
Yes. Many couples who come to us after harmful therapy rebuild trust, safety, and connection through focused relational work.

About the Author

Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. As founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, Rabbi Slatkin helps couples heal from emotional distance and repair trust through private intensives, workshops, and online programs.

Sources

1. Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. L. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press.

2. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.

3. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT): Risks of Dual or Triangulated Therapy Relationships.