By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist, and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project. For more than 20 years, he’s helped couples transform hopeless marriages into lasting connection through structured dialogue and emotional safety.
Marriage counseling can be a powerful intervention for couples in crisis — but not all counseling is equally effective. If you’re going to invest your time, money, and emotional energy, you want the best possible chance at repairing your relationship. These six research-backed insights can help you choose the right approach and avoid common pitfalls.
1. Location (and Convenience) Shouldn’t Be Your Main Criteria
Choosing the nearest or least expensive counselor may feel practical, but when your marriage is at stake, specialization matters. Research shows that couples therapy requires distinct skills and training beyond individual therapy — especially in handling high-conflict interactions and balancing both partners’ needs simultaneously1.
Look for a therapist with advanced certification in a couples modality such as Imago Relationship Therapy.
2. Keep Sight of the Real Goal
If the aim is to “win” arguments or get the therapist to take your side, the process will likely fail. Studies on effective couples therapy emphasize building emotional connection and fostering constructive communication over assigning blame2.
Approach sessions with the mindset of understanding your partner’s perspective and co-creating solutions.
3. Protect Your Marriage’s Privacy
Venting about marital conflict to friends or on social media may feel cathartic, but it can erode trust and intimacy. Psychologists note that “triangulation” — bringing outside parties into conflicts — often escalates tension and reduces direct problem-solving between partners3.
Instead, keep vulnerable conversations between you, your spouse, and your therapist.
4. Take the Work Home With You
Therapy sessions are most effective when couples practice new skills outside the office. Studies on communication training show significant improvements when couples integrate learned tools into daily life4.
Implement structured dialogues, active listening, and conflict de-escalation strategies between sessions to accelerate progress.
5. Understand the 90/10 Rule
Many intense reactions in marriage are “triggers” tied to past experiences rather than the current conflict alone. According to attachment theory, unresolved emotional wounds often resurface in close relationships, making small issues feel disproportionately large5.
By recognizing that much of your partner’s reaction may stem from earlier pain, you can respond with empathy rather than defensiveness — a skill a trained couples therapist can help develop.
6. Commit for Lasting Impact
Research on marriage intensives — concentrated therapy over 1–3 days — shows that they can produce rapid breakthroughs and lasting results for couples in distress6. A focused block of time allows both partners to address deep-seated issues without the interruptions of daily life.
If this is your one chance to get your partner in the door, consider making it a high-impact experience.
FAQ: Before You Start Marriage Counseling
1) How do we know if we need couples counseling vs. individual therapy?
If your biggest pain points show up in the relationship (communication, conflict, disconnection, trust), start with couples work. Individual therapy can support it, but effective couples therapy addresses the dynamic between you—not just one person.
2) Does the therapist need special couples training?
Yes. Couples therapy uses different skills than individual therapy (managing two perspectives, de-escalating conflict, facilitating structured dialogue). Look for advanced training/certification in a modality like Imago, EFT, or IBCT.
3) Will the therapist take sides?
A good couples therapist is pro-relationship, not pro-one-partner. The job is to make the space safe for both of you, surface patterns, and coach new ways of connecting—never to be a judge.
4) We’re in crisis. Is it too late?
Not necessarily. Many couples come at a breaking point and still make major progress—especially in a focused intensive where momentum builds quickly.
5) My partner is reluctant. What should I say?
Invite, don’t pressure. Try: “I want us to stop hurting and learn how to talk so we both feel heard. Can we try one high-impact option and then decide together how to continue?”
6) What’s the difference between weekly sessions and a 2-day intensive?
Weekly sessions build change over time. Intensives compress six months of learning into a weekend so you can create safety, clarity, and a plan quickly—then use follow-ups for accountability.
7) How fast should we expect results?
Many couples feel a shift in the first day when safety and structure improve. Durable change comes from practicing the skills between sessions.
8) What if we just fight in therapy?
You won’t be left to “duke it out.” Structured dialogue, time limits, and therapist coaching keep conversations safe and productive.
9) Should we share details with friends/family during counseling?
Keep your relationship container tight. Share logistics (“we’re working on things”), not play-by-play. It protects safety and reduces triangulation.
10) Can counseling still help if one of us isn’t sure about staying married?
Yes—clarity work can reduce ambivalence, surface fears, and test-drive new patterns so you’re deciding about the relationship from your best selves, not from burnout.
11) How do we make progress stick at home?
Use brief, structured check-ins (10–15 minutes), schedule connection rituals, and practice the dialogue skills exactly as taught. Consistency beats intensity.
12) What topics are “okay” to bring?
All of them—communication, resentment, repairs after breaches of trust, intimacy, parenting, money, in-law stress, faith/culture differences. Therapy is for the real stuff.
13) What if one of us feels “more to blame”?
Blame stalls growth. We focus on patterns (pursue/withdraw, criticize/defend) and the 90/10 rule—how old pain amplifies current reactions—so both partners can create change.
14) How do we choose the right therapist for us?
Check: (1) advanced couples training, (2) clear structure for sessions and homework, (3) comfort with high conflict and sensitive topics, (4) a plan (how many sessions/intensive + follow-ups).
15) Do we have to talk about childhood?
Only insofar as it helps you understand triggers and calm reactivity. The goal isn’t to relive the past—it’s to make the present safer and the future different.
Key Takeaways
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Specialization matters — choose a therapist with advanced couples training, not just a generalist.
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Focus on connection, not blame — therapy works best when both partners are invested in understanding each other.
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Guard your relationship space — avoid unnecessary outside involvement in your marital struggles.
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Practice between sessions — skills grow through consistent application at home.
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Recognize emotional triggers — past wounds often fuel current conflicts.
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Consider intensives — a concentrated retreat can yield faster, more dramatic results.
Sources
Footnotes
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Lebow, J., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. ↩
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. ↩
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Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson. ↩
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Halford, W. K., et al. (2010). Skills-based relationship education. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 188–196. ↩
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Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books. ↩
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Baucom, D. H., et al. (2015). Effectiveness of couple therapy interventions for military veterans. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(4), 497–507. ↩
More Inspiration on What You Should Know Before Going to Marriage Counseling
- How to find a good marriage counselor
- There’s nothing wrong with asking a therapist for reviews from clients
- Are there published marriage counseling success rates out there from best therapists?
