When your marriage feels unhappy or uncertain, it’s natural to wonder what kind of help will actually make a difference. Many people ask:
“Should I go to individual counseling to work on myself first—or should we start marriage counseling together?”
This question matters. The kind of therapy you choose can determine whether your marriage heals or unravels.
Why Marriage Counseling Should Come First
If your main goal is to save or strengthen your marriage, start with marriage counseling. Here’s why:
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Marriage problems are relational. You can’t fix a dynamic alone; both partners contribute to what’s not working.
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Individual therapy can unintentionally create distance. A therapist who only hears one side might reinforce hopelessness instead of rebuilding empathy.
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Marriage counseling provides a safe space for both of you to feel heard and understood—without blame.
Marriage therapy focuses on improving the relationship, not choosing sides.
(See also: How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage)
When Individual Therapy Can Backfire
While individual therapy can help with personal growth, it sometimes harms a fragile marriage.
Common pitfalls include:
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Feeling more validated by your therapist than by your spouse.
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Beginning to view your partner as “the problem.”
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Getting advice that prioritizes personal happiness over relational healing.
Many individual therapists are not trained in relational systems, which means they may overlook how interconnected both partners’ behavior is.
When Individual Counseling Does Help
Individual therapy can be valuable when you’re also addressing the relationship together. It’s especially useful for:
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Healing trauma that makes emotional intimacy difficult.
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Managing addiction, depression, or anxiety that affects both partners.
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Learning self-regulation skills that improve communication.
If one partner isn’t ready for marriage counseling yet, individual sessions can serve as a bridge—but ideally, couples work follows soon after.
(Learn more: Marriage Therapy vs Individual Therapy)
How to Decide What’s Best for You
Ask yourself:
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Do I want to understand myself, or do I want to heal my marriage?
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Am I looking to grow as a person, or reconnect as a couple?
If your answer involves your spouse—if you’re longing to stop fighting, rebuild trust, or rekindle closeness—then marriage counseling is the right first step.
The Best Path Forward
If your relationship feels disconnected or tense, start together through:
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Private Marriage Intensive Retreats – Two immersive days that condense months of progress.
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Getting the Love You Want Workshops – Transformative group weekends that rebuild empathy and communication.
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Online marriage courses – Flexible programs to start reconnecting at home.
Key Takeaways
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Marriage counseling helps couples repair their dynamic together.
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Individual therapy can sometimes fuel resentment if it’s not relationally informed.
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Healing together builds stronger marriages and stronger individuals.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. Can individual therapy save a marriage?
Sometimes—but not usually on its own. While it can help you manage stress and emotions, most marital issues need both partners involved to truly change the dynamic.
Q2. What if my spouse refuses to attend marriage counseling?
Start with individual counseling focused on how you show up in the relationship—not on what’s wrong with your partner. Invite them gently once they see your effort.
Q3. How is marriage counseling different from couples coaching?
Marriage counseling uses evidence-based therapy methods like Imago or EFT. Coaching is often shorter-term and goal-focused but may lack depth for healing long-standing wounds.
Q4. How long does marriage counseling take to work?
Most couples notice a positive shift within the first few sessions—especially when meeting weekly or attending an intensive retreat.
Q5. What if therapy made my marriage worse?
That can happen if the therapist wasn’t trained in relational therapy. Switch to a couples specialist who emphasizes connection, safety, and mutual growth.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. As founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, he helps couples rebuild safety and connection through marriage intensives, workshops, and online programs.
Sources
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Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.
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Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight.
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Gottman Institute. What Makes Couples Therapy Work.
