“You Don’t Really Love Me!” — Understanding the 5 Love Languages
Have you ever heard your spouse say something like:
“You don’t really love me!”
…and thought, “What are you talking about? Of course I do!”
Maybe you do countless things to show your love — but somehow, it still doesn’t land.
That’s because the way you express love isn’t always the way your spouse feels loved.
Learning the Five Love Languages — and how to use them — can completely transform how you connect as a couple.
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages describe the different ways people give and receive love.
Each person has one (or two) dominant languages that make them feel most valued and connected.
Let’s explore each — with real-life examples from the couples I’ve worked with.
1. Words of Affirmation
For some, words matter most. Compliments, appreciation, encouragement, or simple “I love you” statements go straight to the heart.
If this is your spouse’s love language:
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Express your admiration out loud — don’t assume they know.
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Leave notes, send texts, and say thank you often.
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Be mindful of tone — harsh words cut deeper for them.
Even small affirmations like “You looked beautiful today” or “I’m so proud of you” can go a long way.
2. Quality Time
Some people feel most loved when they have your full attention. Not half-distracted by your phone or TV — fully present.
If this is your spouse’s love language:
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Schedule regular date nights or quiet time at home.
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Engage in shared hobbies or take walks together.
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Make eye contact. Listen, don’t multitask.
Quality time is less about the activity and more about connection.
3. Receiving Gifts
For others, love is expressed through tangible tokens of care. It’s not about materialism — it’s about the thought behind the gesture.
If your spouse lights up at small surprises:
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Bring them their favorite coffee.
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Write a card.
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Plan a meaningful gift tied to an inside joke or memory.
Even a small gift says, “I thought of you.”
4. Acts of Service
Some people feel loved when their partner helps them — especially without being asked.
If this is your spouse’s love language:
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Do the dishes. Handle an errand they dread.
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Make their morning coffee or fill up their gas tank.
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Notice what would make their day easier — and do it.
For these spouses, love is action, not words.
5. Physical Touch
Touch can communicate love more deeply than words ever could. A hug, a kiss, or simply holding hands reassures them that you’re emotionally connected.
If this is your partner’s love language:
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Greet and say goodbye with physical affection.
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Sit close when watching TV.
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Offer touch during hard moments — it speaks safety and care.
Physical connection is often the bridge that repairs emotional distance.
How I Learned the Power of Love Languages (A True Story)
Years ago, I worked with a couple who perfectly illustrated this concept.
The husband was extremely affectionate — constantly saying, “I love you.”
His wife, however, felt unloved.
Why? Her love language was receiving gifts. Words meant little to her. Meanwhile, her husband felt unappreciated because his wife rarely verbalized love — she expressed it through acts of service like cooking and managing the household.
Once they discovered their different languages, everything changed.
They realized neither was “wrong” — they were just speaking different emotional dialects.
How Knowing Your Love Languages Can Transform Your Relationship
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It prevents resentment. You stop feeling like your efforts go unnoticed.
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It builds empathy. You start seeing love from your partner’s perspective.
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It deepens connection. You begin meeting each other’s core emotional needs.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we view this as the “growth opportunity” of marriage — learning to love not just in your comfort zone, but in the way your partner most needs.
How to Discover Your Love Language
Ask yourself three questions:
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How do I most often show love?
(Acts of service, words, gifts, time, or touch?) -
What do I complain about most often?
(“You never say you love me!” → Words of Affirmation) -
What do I request most often?
(“Can you hold me?” → Physical Touch)
You can also take the official 5 Love Languages Quiz online, or try observing your partner’s habits — how they express love often reveals how they want to receive it.
Key Takeaways
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The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
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We naturally express love in our own language — but our spouse may need a different one.
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Speaking your partner’s love language can instantly rebuild connection and trust.
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Differences aren’t a problem — they’re an invitation to grow closer.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. Can couples have different love languages?
Yes, most do. The goal isn’t to change your spouse — it’s to learn their language so your love lands.
Q2. Can your love language change over time?
Absolutely. Stress, life stages, or trauma can shift what you need most. Revisit these conversations regularly.
Q3. What if my spouse doesn’t know their love language?
Start by experimenting — give love in all five ways and see what lights them up. Then talk about it openly.
Q4. How can love languages help if we’re fighting a lot?
When conflict rises, couples often stop speaking each other’s language. Restoring these small gestures can rebuild safety and reduce tension.
Q5. What’s the best way to use love languages in marriage counseling?
We often integrate them into Imago Marriage Intensives to help couples rediscover empathy and emotional connection.
Next Steps
Discover how to communicate love effectively — even if you’ve grown apart:
- Read: How to Reconnect with Your Spouse Emotionally
- Explore our 5-Step Plan to Save Your Marriage
- Or attend a Getting the Love You Want Workshop
Your relationship can thrive again — you just need to speak the right language.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist.
Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, helping couples worldwide rediscover love, trust, and emotional safety.
Sources
- Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages.
- Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.
- The Marriage Restoration Project – 5-Step Plan to Save Your Marriage.
