How to make gifts strengthen your marriage instead of starting an argument
by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, he’s helped couples worldwide repair trust and communication through practical, heart-centered tools.
Why Gifts in Marriage Can Feel So Loaded
Every December (or anniversary, or birthday), couples ask the same thing on Reddit and in therapy sessions alike:
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“What do I get my spouse that actually feels meaningful?”
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“Why do our gift exchanges always end in disappointment?”
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“What if my partner’s love language isn’t gifts at all?”
Gift-giving sounds simple — but it’s often where deeper emotional expectations surface. A gift isn’t just a gift; it’s a symbol of thoughtfulness, recognition, and emotional safety.¹
When done right, giving a gift can deepen connection. When done wrong — or misunderstood — it can highlight distance.
Why Do Gifts Cause Tension Between Couples?
Because gifts reveal hidden differences in love languages and **emotional meaning.**²
Some people feel loved when they receive something thoughtful; others value time, words, or service more. Without awareness, both partners end up disappointed:
“I spent hours finding something perfect, and you barely reacted.”
“I didn’t need anything — I just wanted time with you.”
Understanding how you each feel loved is the foundation for happier holidays.
1️⃣ Know Your Love Language
We all express love in different ways. The five major love languages are:
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Caring Behaviors
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Acts of Service
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Physical Touch
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Gifts
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Quality Time
If your spouse’s love language is gifts, even something small can have huge impact — it says, “You thought of me.”
But if gifts aren’t your love language, that’s okay too. Just recognize that your partner might need them to feel loved.³
🩶 Key Tip: Ask, “What’s your favorite part of getting a gift — the surprise, the meaning, or the memory?” That question opens dialogue about what love looks like to each of you.
It’s the Thought That Counts — Literally
The Torah tells us that when each tribal leader brought identical offerings at the dedication of the Mishkan, their intentions made each gift unique (Numbers 7; Bamidbar Rabbah 13:14).
The takeaway? Two identical gifts can feel completely different based on the thought behind them.⁴
You don’t need a luxury budget — you need intentionality. When the thought is sincere, the gesture lands as love.
Give Yourself Permission to Receive
Many partners struggle more with receiving than giving. Proverbs 15:27 says, “One who hates gifts shall live,” but taken too literally, that attitude can block intimacy.
If you dismiss or downplay your spouse’s gift — even kindly — you may unintentionally reject *their effort to love you.*⁵
Remember: the giver often feels more joy in your gratitude than you do in the present itself.
🩶 Try saying: “Thank you — I can feel how much heart you put into this.”
Practice Gratitude, Not Scorekeeping
The Talmud (Avodah Zarah 5a) reminds us that failing to appreciate gifts — even divine ones — diminishes connection. We sometimes resist gratitude because we don’t want to owe anyone.
But marriage isn’t a transaction. It’s a mutual exchange of generosity. When you stop keeping score, giving and receiving both become acts of trust.⁶
Make Sure They Know It’s From You
One couple I worked with had been separated for years. During that time, the husband quietly dropped off gifts — books he thought she’d love — but never said they were from him.
Without his words, they landed like anonymous packages.
The Talmud (Beitza 16a) teaches that when G-d gave the gift of Shabbat, He told Moses to tell the people — to make sure they knew who it was from. That’s a powerful relationship principle: acknowledge the giver.
When you offer a gift, include a note, a memory, or a sentence about why you chose it. That transforms an object into a bridge.
What If My Spouse Doesn’t Appreciate My Gifts?
Before feeling hurt, ask whether your gift speaks their love language. A physical object may not meet an emotional need. Re-evaluate: would quality time, words of affirmation, or acts of service communicate better?⁷
Key Takeaways
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Gifts reflect emotion, not just effort — intention is the true gift.
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Clarify each other’s love languages before holidays or birthdays.
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Receiving graciously can be an act of giving in itself.
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Express gratitude freely; stop keeping emotional score.
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Make the gift personal: explain why it reminded you of them.
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A thoughtful $10 gift can speak louder than an expensive one given out of guilt.
FAQs (People Also Ask)
Q: How do I know what kind of gift my spouse will appreciate most?
A: Ask about their love language — do they value thought, surprise, or utility? Observe what kinds of gifts they give others.¹
Q: What if my partner never likes my gifts?
A: Focus on communication, not the object. Discuss what gifts represent emotionally.³
Q: Should I tell my spouse what I want for a holiday gift?
A: Absolutely. Clarity reduces pressure and prevents disappointment.⁵
Q: Can giving gifts really strengthen our marriage?
A: Yes — when it’s done with mindfulness, appreciation, and understanding.⁶
Sources
- Chapman, G. — The 5 Love Languages (Northfield Publishing)
- Gottman Institute — The Role of Expectation and Intent in Relationship Satisfaction
- Simply Psychology — Understanding Love Languages and Emotional Needs
- Bamidbar Rabbah 13:14 — Midrash commentary on intentional gift-giving
- Proverbs 15:27; Talmud Beitza 16a — Receiving as a form of giving
- Avodah Zarah 5a — Gratitude and the spiritual psychology of receiving
- Verywell Mind — Emotional Misattunement and Relationship Miscommunication
