By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project

When You’re Asking “Can We Ever Come Back From This?”

Discovering an affair is one of the most painful shocks a marriage can face. The ground beneath you feels unstable; every memory gets reinterpreted through doubt. You might be wondering whether recovery is even possible—or if you’ll ever trust your partner again.

The good news is that healing is possible when both partners are willing to follow a clear, structured path. What feels like the end of your marriage can become the beginning of a more honest, deeply connected partnership—but only with the right steps, order, and safety in place.

In this guide, I’ll walk you through:

• The 3 phases of affair recovery (and what to do in each)

• Scripts and sample boundaries that help prevent retraumatization

• How to handle triggers, transparency, and rebuilding intimacy

• When to seek intensive counseling vs. weekly therapy

This isn’t theory—it’s the same process I’ve used for two decades helping couples recover from betrayal and reestablish lasting trust.

The 3 Phases of Affair Recovery (What to Do When)

Phase 1 — Stabilize (Days to Weeks)

Goals: Physical/emotional safety, stop the injury from worsening, reduce reactivity.

• Full stop + No-Contact: End all contact with the affair partner; block channels; send a short NC text/email approved by the betrayed partner.

• Initial disclosure (paced): Honest, factual, free of blame. Avoid “trickle truth.” Save graphic details for structured sessions.

• Containment & routines: Sleep, nutrition, movement, and daily check-ins (10–15 min). No big life decisions in the acute shock window.

• Transparency agreements: Phone/location/logistics transparency by mutual consent and with clear time limits that will be reviewed.

Phase 2 — Meaning-Making & Skill-Building (Weeks to Months)

Goals: Understand drivers, install new agreements, practice repair.

• Imago-style dialogues: Mirror → validate → empathize to metabolize anger, grief, shame without escalation.

• Map the vulnerabilities: boundaries, exits, conflict patterns, attachment injuries, untreated issues (trauma/mood/substance/work stress).

• Concrete behavioral shifts: calendarized connection rituals, fair-play tasking, tech boundaries, sexual health screening and explicit consent for any future intimacy.

Phase 3 — Consolidate Trust (6–18 Months)

Goals: Reliability, intimacy, identity upgrade (from “crisis couple” to “repairing couple”).

• Measurable reliability: track promises kept, shared schedules, financial transparency.

• Relapse-prevention plan: triggers, high-risk situations, early-warning signals, and pre-agreed responses.

• Reconciliation rituals: forgiveness work when (not before) safety and reliability are present.

Immediate To-Dos (First 7–14 Days)

• Send the No-Contact message; block all channels.

• Draft a Transparency & Boundaries sheet (renegotiate monthly): devices, DMs, work lunches, travel, social media.

• Book structured couples sessions (or a 2-Day intensive + follow-ups).

• Health screen (STI testing) as appropriate; agree on sexual pace.

• Install daily rhythms: 10-minute check-in, 20-minute logistics huddle, 2-minute gratitude/repair.

Scripts You Can Use

No-Contact Message (agreed by both partners):
“Out of respect for my marriage and to repair the harm I’ve caused, I will not have further contact. Please don’t reach out by any channel.”

Time-Out During Flooding:
“I’m at a 9/10. I’m setting a 25-minute timer to reset. I will come back to finish this at 4:30.”

Disclosure Boundaries (to reduce retraumatization):
“I’ll answer factual questions honestly. If a question risks adding traumatic imagery, let’s write it down and cover it in session so we can keep both of us safe.”

Repair Attempt:
“I hear that when I was late, it echoed ‘I’m not chosen.’ I’m sorry. Next time I’ll text at 5:30 and share my ETA.”

Boundaries That Protect Healing

• Red Lines: NC; remove apps; avoid solo alcohol with high-risk contacts; decline 1-on-1 meals with prior affair partner or “crush.” Snyder et al., 2007.

• Visibility: shared calendar; location sharing (time-limited); receipts for work travel.

• Information safety: couple-approved language for telling necessary third parties (HR/manager/close friend/therapist), not a public confession.

Handling Workplace or Unavoidable Contact

If the affair partner is a coworker/client:

• Move to business-only, documented communication (email cc’d to a manager when possible).

• No closed doors; keep interactions brief and task-focused.

• Consider team/role changes if boundaries cannot be maintained.

Triggers & Flashbacks (For the Betrayed Partner)

• Body first: breath, temperature shift (cold water), brief movement; then dialogue.

• Ask for a specific anchor: “Please sit with me and hold my hand for 5 minutes; then review tomorrow’s plan.”

• Questions: schedule Q&A windows so they don’t consume every moment.

Rebuilding Intimacy (Not Just Sex)

• Sequence matters: safety → affection → sensual → sexual.

• Opt-in signals: a nonverbal “green-yellow-red” system to guide pace.

• Aftercare: post-intimacy check-in (2 minutes each: what felt connecting, what to repeat next time).

Should You Tell Your Spouse About an Affair?

Short answer: In most cases, yes—structured, honest disclosure is more reparative than discovery. Plan it with a clinician if possible; don’t dump details during a fight or before work/bed. Avoid “trickle truth,” which restarts the trauma clock.

What Leads to Infidelity (Without Excusing It)

• Emotional disconnection, poor repair skills, “exits” (porn, DMs, fantasy), untreated individual issues (trauma/mood/substance), chronic resentment, and opportunity + secrecy.

• Use this insight to close exits and add protective habits (pro-connection rituals, transparent tech use, explicit boundaries with colleagues/friends).

Metrics That Show It’s Working

• Fewer and shorter escalations; faster recoveries

• Reliable follow-through on agreed tasks

• Decreased intrusive checking; increased spontaneous transparency

• More positive bids answered; gradual return of humor/affection

• A jointly authored written plan that’s actually used

Weekly Review (15 Minutes, Once a Week)

1. Wins: 2 things that felt connecting

2. One miss → system fix: what failed and how we’ll adjust

3. Next week’s risk points: travel, late nights, events

4. One micro-promise each (specific, dated, visible)

Intensive vs. Weekly Counseling (Which to Choose?)

(We offer both; many couples do an intensive to stabilize, then integrate weekly.)

FAQ: Affair Recovery (Expanded)

1) Can we really recover after an affair?
Yes—if (a) the affair ends, (b) there’s transparency and boundaries, and (c) both partners engage a structured process. Many couples report a more honest, durable bond afterward.

2) How long does recovery take?
Commonly 6–18 months to feel solid again. Stabilization is quicker; trust consolidation takes time plus consistent reliability. Snyder et al., 2007; Gordon et al., 2004.

3) What if the betrayed partner can’t stop asking questions?
Normalize it. Use scheduled Q&A windows with breaks for regulation; save potentially graphic questions for sessions. The goal is clarity without new injuries.

4) Do we have to share phones forever?
Transparency is a time-limited trust bridge. Agree on what, why, and for how long; review monthly and step down as reliability grows.

5) How do we handle kids and family?
Share age-appropriate info only if needed to explain mood/changes. Avoid triangulation and character attacks. Keep routines stable.

6) Is sexting/DMs “real cheating”?
It’s a boundary breach and often qualifies as emotional/sexual infidelity. Treat it seriously (NC + transparency + boundary plan) to prevent escalation.

7) What if I’m not sure I want to stay?
Use a defined Discernment window (e.g., 4–6 weeks) with rules: no new injuries, active transparency, counseling, and weekly check-ins before deciding.

8) Can forgiveness happen before trust returns?
Forgiveness is often later-phase work. Start with safety and reliability; premature forgiveness can backfire.

9) What if the affair partner is pressuring contact?
Document and do not respond. If necessary, send one final NC via HR/legal channel. Share any outreach with your spouse and clinician.

10) Are there times we should not do couples work yet?
Yes: ongoing violence/coercion, untreated active addiction, or current affair contact. Prioritize safety and stabilization first.

Key Takeaways

• Yes—recovery is possible when both partners want the marriage and commit to a structured repair plan (disclosure → boundaries/no-contact → transparency → empathy-based dialogues → consistent follow-through). Gordon et al., 2004; Snyder et al., 2007.

• Trust is rebuilt by repeated behaviors over time, not one apology. Expect a layered process over 6–18 months with ups/downs.

• Context informs prevention, not blame. Understanding why the relationship became vulnerable helps you close exits and make better agreements without excusing the breach. Glass & Wright, 1992; Blow & Hartnett, 2005b.

• Right-fit help speeds healing: choose affair-recovery–trained counseling (we use Imago Dialogue + trust-repair protocols) and a written aftercare plan.

Core Clinical & Treatment Sources

• Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231.
  Gold-standard protocol covering disclosure structure, no-contact, transparency, staged recovery, and forgiveness work.
• Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, D. H. (2007). Getting Past the Affair. Guilford Press.
  Clinician/consumer manual: NC letters, pacing Q&A, trauma symptoms in betrayed partners, relapse-prevention, timelines.
• Atkins, D. C., et al. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: How does partner involvement affect outcomes? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144–150.
  Shows couple-based treatment improves relationship functioning post-affair.
• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.
  Broad review; supports use of structured couple interventions (Gottman/EFT/Imago) in repair.
• Snyder, D. K., Castellani, A. M., & Whisman, M. A. (2006). Current status and future directions in couple therapy. Annual Review of Psychology, 57, 317–344.
  Overviews mechanisms of change (repair, commitment, boundaries) relevant to affair recovery.
• Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: A study of attitudes and motives. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387.
  Useful for the “context informs prevention, not blame” section (emotional vs. sexual motives).
• Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005a/b). Infidelity in committed relationships I: A methodological review; II: A substantive review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 183–216.
  Two-part review on prevalence estimates, definitions, and treatment considerations.
• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
  Repair attempts, time-outs/flooding, and ritualized connection—fits your “scripts” and weekly reviews.
• Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want (Updated). St. Martin’s Press.
  Grounds your use of Imago Dialogue for paced disclosure, validation → empathy → behavioral requests.
• Spring, J. A. (2015). After the Affair (2nd ed.). Harper.
  Consumer-friendly; aligns with no-contact, staged recovery, and trigger management.
• Baucom, D. H., et al. (2006). Cognitive-behavioral couple therapy for relationship distress. In Gurman (Ed.), Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy.
  Skills + cognitive restructuring that dovetails with your “system fixes” and weekly logistics huddles.