Want to Learn How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse? Start With This One Simple Habit

If you’re wondering how to communicate better with your spouse, the good news is—it’s easier than you think.
Improving communication in marriage isn’t about learning tricks, reading scripts, or using “tactics.” It starts with something much simpler and far more powerful: appreciation.

The Foundation of Better Communication: Appreciation

When couples first come to us, they often say things like:

“We just don’t know how to communicate anymore.”
“We can’t have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument.”

And yet, when they start consistently practicing appreciations—expressing what they genuinely value in each other—everything begins to shift.

That’s because appreciation changes not just the tone of your conversations but also the way you see your spouse.

When you focus on what’s working instead of what’s missing, you naturally start to listen with more compassion, speak with more respect, and feel more connected.

A Real Couple’s Story: How Appreciation Transformed Their Marriage

Below is an email from one of our former clients, shared with permission, describing how the simple act of daily appreciation reshaped her marriage—and her life:

Dear Rabbi Slatkin,

I hope this e-mail finds you and your family well. John and I think about you often and appreciate receiving your insightful messages. John and I recently renewed our efforts to share appreciations with each other, and I wanted to share a new insight.

When we first worked with you, I saw appreciations as a tool—a way to remind myself of the positive attributes of my partner (especially when it was hard to see them) and to help my partner feel valued. Even when our sense of appreciation was low, we learned to find something—anything—to appreciate about the other, no matter how small.

Through that work, I saw how this practice created an alternate story in a struggling relationship. But I used to think its only purpose was to help my marriage.

Now, as we’ve reintroduced appreciations into our daily lives, I realize something deeper. By striving to find something to appreciate each day, I’ve become a more appreciative person overall. It’s no longer just about my marriage—it’s about how I show up in the world.

Thank you for helping us start this journey and for your work helping couples build loving, stable lives together.

Gratefully,
Esther & John

Why Appreciation Works So Well in Marriage

Appreciation shifts your mindset from criticism to connection. It’s a powerful antidote to the negativity that often builds up in long-term relationships.

When you practice appreciation:

• You activate your brain’s reward centers, creating positive reinforcement for both partners.

• You replace defensiveness with safety.

• You retrain your mind to notice your spouse’s effort instead of their shortcomings.

Over time, appreciation becomes more than just a communication exercise—it becomes a way of being.

How to Practice Daily Appreciation With Your Spouse

Try this simple 3-minute exercise every day for 30 days:

1. Take a few moments to reflect.
   Think of one thing—big or small—that you genuinely appreciate about your spouse today.

2. Say it out loud or write it down.
   Example: “I really appreciate how you made coffee for me this morning—it made my whole day easier.”

3. Listen and receive.
   When your spouse shares their appreciation, simply say “Thank you.” Resist the urge to downplay it or deflect.

That’s it. No scripts, no drama—just heartfelt gratitude.

You’ll be amazed at how this tiny ritual creates an entirely new emotional tone in your marriage.

Key Takeaways

• Healthy communication in marriage begins with gratitude, not clever techniques.

• Appreciation shifts your mindset from criticism to connection.

• Practicing daily appreciation transforms not just your marriage but your entire outlook on life.

• Start with one small expression of gratitude every day—it’s the easiest and most effective way to improve communication fast.

FAQs About Communication and Appreciation in Marriage

Q1: What if my spouse doesn’t reciprocate at first?
That’s okay. Start by modeling appreciation yourself. Often, one partner’s consistency melts the other’s resistance over time.

Q2: Isn’t this too simple to fix real communication issues?

It’s simple—but not shallow. Appreciation rewires emotional patterns, setting the stage for deeper, more vulnerable conversations later.

Q3: How long before we see results?
Many couples notice a shift within a week. Consistency is key. Over time, appreciation creates lasting emotional safety and trust.

Sources

1. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Hendrix, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.

3. The Marriage Restoration Project. The 5-Step Plan to a Happy Marriage.

More inspiration about communicating better:

• Couples Communication Coaching 
• Do this 1 thing four times a day and see your marriage improve
• Things to tell your spouse every day to keep the spark alive
• How to get that honeymoon feeling back, 8 ways to reignite the flame
• 6 interesting holiday activities for bonding