If you’ve ever wondered why your marriage feels harder than it used to—or why communication turns into conflict so easily—you’re not alone.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading relationship researchers, has studied couples for over 40 years. His work is so accurate he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or divorce.

How? By identifying four destructive communication patterns that nearly always predict the end of a relationship. He calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because, like the biblical reference, they often signal the beginning of the end—unless you recognize and replace them early.

The Four Horsemen of Relationships

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

If any of these sound familiar, don’t panic. The presence of a “horseman” doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed—it means your relationship is asking for healing.

Let’s look at what each one means and, more importantly, how to fix it.

1. Criticism

Criticism hurts a marriage when it targets your partner’s character instead of their behavior.

Example:
“You’re always late—you’re so disrespectful!”
vs.
“I feel hurt when you’re late because I value our time together.”

The first blames and shames. The second expresses a feeling and an unmet need.

Over time, repeated criticism erodes trust and connection—it’s like tiny cracks that weaken the foundation. The antidote is gentle start-ups and “I feel” statements that express emotion without attacking.

💡 Pro tip: When you’re about to criticize, pause and ask yourself, “What need or feeling am I trying to express?”

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism’s cruel older sibling. It’s the act of belittling or mocking your partner with sarcasm, eye rolls, or disgust.

This one is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. Gottman’s research shows that contempt predicts divorce more strongly than any other behavior. It poisons affection and makes emotional repair nearly impossible.

And it’s not just emotional harm—studies show contempt increases physical illness because it triggers chronic stress and inflammation.

What to do instead:
Replace contempt with appreciation and respect. Focus on what your partner does right. Say thank you often. The antidote to contempt is a culture of gratitude.

If your marriage has slipped into contempt, it’s time to restore safety through no-blame, no-shame communication, something we teach in the 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage and our Marriage Intensives.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness shows up when we feel accused or attacked. It’s the reflexive “I didn’t do that!” or “You always blame me!”

While it’s understandable, defensiveness blocks empathy. Instead of resolving the issue, it fuels more criticism and frustration.

The fix:
Own your part—no matter how small. Try saying,

“You’re right, I was distracted earlier. Let me listen now.”

This tiny shift from defense to ownership can change the entire tone of a conversation.

Remember: defensiveness is a form of self-protection. You can learn to protect the relationship instead.

4. Stonewalling

When arguments become too heated, one partner might shut down emotionally or physically—walking away, going silent, or tuning out. That’s called stonewalling, and it’s often a sign of emotional overwhelm.

It’s not that your partner doesn’t care; it’s that they’re flooded with stress hormones and literally can’t think clearly.

What it looks like:

• The silent treatment

• Leaving mid-argument

• Staring at a phone or TV instead of engaging

What to do:

• Take a 20-minute break to cool down.

• Let your partner know when you’ll return to the conversation.

• Use deep breathing or movement to calm your body.

Stonewalling ends conversations; self-soothing keeps them alive.

How to Keep the Four Horsemen Out of Your Marriage

If any of these sound familiar, don’t lose hope. Every couple experiences these at times—the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is how you repair after they appear.

Here are 5 steps to start changing the pattern today:

1. Raise awareness. Just noticing when one of the Four Horsemen shows up is the first step to change.

2. Practice active listening. Use eye contact, paraphrase what your partner says, and validate their feelings.

3. Take responsibility for your part. Even if it’s 5%, own it. It builds trust.

4. Regulate your stress. Arguments escalate faster when you’re tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s strategy.

5. Show gratitude daily. Appreciation counters criticism and contempt more powerfully than any lecture.

If these steps feel hard to implement alone, start with structured help like the 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage — a guided, at-home course that walks you through building safety and breaking negative cycles.

Why This Research Matters

Understanding the Four Horsemen doesn’t just help you avoid divorce—it teaches you how to build a marriage based on friendship, empathy, and repair.

At The Marriage Restoration Project, we’ve seen hundreds of couples who were once on the brink rebuild connection by learning these principles and practicing daily repair attempts.

The message is simple: It’s not about never fighting. It’s about fighting well—and healing afterward.

• The Four Horsemen—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—are the biggest predictors of divorce.

• Awareness is the first step; replacement behaviors are the cure.

• Appreciation, ownership, and calm communication are the antidotes.

• Tools like the 5 Step Plan or a Private Marriage Intensive teach couples how to eliminate these patterns for good.

• Every marriage can change when both partners choose connection over blame.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are the Four Horsemen always a sign of divorce?
No. They’re warning signs, not prophecies. With awareness and consistent effort, most couples can reverse them.

Can we fix contempt once it’s there?
Yes—but it takes rebuilding respect and emotional safety. Replace put-downs with appreciation and seek professional support if contempt has taken root.

How do I stop being defensive?
Practice listening to understand rather than respond. Pause before reacting, breathe, and focus on your partner’s feelings instead of the “facts.”

What should I do if my spouse stonewalls me?
Don’t chase. Take a break, focus on calming your body, and revisit the issue later when both of you are calmer.

Where can I get more help?
Try our Marriage Intensive Retreats or 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage for structured tools that replace the Four Horsemen with healthy dialogue and emotional connection.

Sources

1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

2. The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.”

3. Imago Relationships International. Safe Conversations and Conflict Repair Framework.

4. The Marriage Restoration Project. 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage, Marriage Intensives.

5. American Psychological Association (APA). “Predictors of Divorce and Marital Dissatisfaction.”