Marriage Intensives & Online Counseling | Imago Therapy – The Marriage Restoration Project

Are you under Valentine’s Day Pressure?

How to stop letting comparison and expectation ruin your connection

by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist, and co-host of Can This Marriage Be Saved?. For over two decades, he’s helped couples replace frustration with understanding through structured communication tools and emotional safety.

When Love Turns into Obligation

Every February, social media fills with roses, jewelry ads, and the message that love must be proven through gifts. We asked on our Facebook page last year, “Are you under Valentine’s Day pressure?”

The responses were overwhelming. Many people admitted they felt judged or inadequate if their partner didn’t “perform” the holiday correctly. Others said they dreaded it altogether because it only reminded them what was missing in their relationship.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Studies show that social comparison and holiday expectations can significantly increase relationship dissatisfaction when couples measure their love against external ideals.¹

Why Does Valentine’s Day Cause So Much Relationship Stress?

Because Valentine’s Day amplifies unspoken expectations.
If one partner grew up celebrating it and the other didn’t, it becomes a silent test of caring. Add in the advertising pressure — “Buy this or risk your relationship status” — and you have a recipe for disappointment.²

This kind of external pressure can activate old attachment fears:

  • “Maybe I don’t matter to them.”

  • “What if they’re not romantic enough?”

  • “Am I too needy?”

Most of the tension comes from **expectations that were never clarified.**³

How to Handle Valentine’s Day Pressure Together

1️⃣ Talk About It Before the Day Arrives.
Ask:

  • “What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?”

  • “Do you want to do something together, or would you prefer a quiet evening?”

  • “What would make the day feel meaningful instead of stressful?”

When you ask before assuming, you prevent resentment and misunderstandings.

2️⃣ Create Your Own Meaning.
If you both enjoy celebrating, wonderful! Just make it yours — no scripts required. A walk, handwritten note, or shared ritual beats a forced gift every time.

If one of you doesn’t care for the holiday, agree on another time to intentionally appreciate each other. Connection doesn’t need a Hallmark date.

3️⃣ Remember: Every Day Can Be Valentine’s Day.
As we often say on the podcast, love thrives in consistency, not intensity. Gifts fade; empathy lasts. You can express appreciation in small daily ways instead of waiting for February 14 to feel close.

What If My Partner Doesn’t Care About Valentine’s Day but I Do?

That’s where Imago Dialogue can help. Use the structured communication process to share what it means to you without blame:

  • “When Valentine’s Day passes without acknowledgment, I feel unseen.”

  • “It reminds me of not feeling special growing up.”

Then your partner mirrors and validates your feeling rather than defending against it. That’s how emotional safety replaces guilt.⁴

Can Skipping Valentine’s Day Hurt a Marriage?

Not necessarily. The danger isn’t in skipping — it’s in assuming.
When expectations stay unspoken, disappointment fills the gap. Couples who clarify what matters to each of them tend to feel secure whether they celebrate or not.⁵

Key Takeaways

  • Valentine’s Day pressure comes from comparison, advertising, and unclear expectations.

  • Clarify what the holiday means to each of you instead of assuming.

  • Connection > consumerism: everyday appreciation builds intimacy better than one grand gesture.

  • Use Imago Dialogue to express needs without blame or shame.

  • Whether you celebrate or not, intentional communication keeps your relationship pressure-free.

FAQs (People Also Ask)

Q: Why does my partner hate Valentine’s Day?
A: They may associate it with obligation or past disappointment. Have a calm discussion about what feels meaningful instead.¹

Q: How can we celebrate Valentine’s Day without spending much money?
A: Focus on shared experiences — walks, letters, cooking together — instead of expensive gifts.²

Q: Is it normal to fight before or after Valentine’s Day?
A: Yes, because expectations surface. Turn it into an opportunity to clarify what each of you really wants.³

Q: How do I stop comparing my relationship to others online?
A: Limit social scrolling and remind yourself that social media shows highlight reels, not reality. Daily connection matters most.⁵

Sources

  1. Psychology Today – The Valentine’s Day Effect: How Holidays Trigger Comparison and Anxiety

  2. American Psychological Association – Marketing and Emotional Pressure in Romantic Relationships

  3. Gottman Institute – Expectation and Communication Patterns in Couples

  4. Hendrix, H. – Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

  5. Verywell Mind – How Social Media Shapes Relationship Satisfaction

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

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