Marriage Intensives & Online Counseling | Imago Therapy โ€“ The Marriage Restoration Project

Think You & Your Husband or Wife are Incompatible After Years of Marriage?

You didnโ€™t get married expecting to feel this alone.

The tension. The arguments over the smallest things. The silence that lingers even when nothing is wrong. You start to wonder:
โ€œAre we just too different? Are we even compatible anymore?โ€

Itโ€™s a painful question. But before you decide incompatibility is the issue, consider this:
Most couples who believe theyโ€™re incompatible are actually stuck in a pattern of unresolved conflict thatโ€™s left them disconnected โ€” not incompatible. And the good news? That pattern can be changed.

Incompatibility vs. Unresolved Conflict

What many people call โ€œincompatibilityโ€ is often a buildup of hurt, miscommunication, and emotional distance that hasnโ€™t been repaired. You keep having the same fight. You both shut down. You stop trying.

But underneath all of that is still a desire to connect โ€” you just may not know how anymore.

Thatโ€™s where support comes in.

We created a 2-day marriage retreat to help couples like you get out of survival mode and reconnect again โ€” fast. Whether you attend online or join us in person across the U.S. or in Costa Rica, youโ€™ll learn how to:

  • Break negative communication cycles

  • Understand each otherโ€™s emotional triggers

  • De-escalate arguments before they spiral

  • Start healing โ€” even if youโ€™ve been stuck for years

How to Turn Disagreements into Opportunities & Build a Stronger Bond

Fighting Doesnโ€™t Mean Youโ€™re Failing

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples disagree about 69% of the time. So if youโ€™re arguing, youโ€™re not alone โ€” or broken.

What matters is how you handle those disagreements.

Do you:

  • Attack or shut down?

  • Get defensive when your partner brings something up?

  • Avoid topics to keep the peace โ€” but secretly feel resentful?

These patterns donโ€™t mean youโ€™re incompatible. They mean you need new tools for conflict โ€” and connection.

The Power of Repair (And Why It Matters More Than Being Right)

Everyone makes mistakes in a marriage. What matters is whether you learn to repair the damage โ€” and accept your partnerโ€™s attempts to do the same.

A repair might sound like:

  • โ€œI shouldnโ€™t have raised my voice. Iโ€™m sorry.โ€

  • โ€œCan we try that conversation again later when weโ€™re both calmer?โ€

  • โ€œI know this is important to you. Help me understand why.โ€

If you feel your conversations keep turning into arguments, try using โ€œIโ€ statements to shift the energy. For example:

  • โ€œIโ€™m starting to feel overwhelmed โ€” can we take a break and come back to this?โ€

  • โ€œI hear what youโ€™re saying, and I want to understand more.โ€

  • โ€œI donโ€™t feel like weโ€™re getting anywhere right now, but I donโ€™t want to avoid this. Letโ€™s revisit it tonight.โ€

These are small shifts. But they make a big difference.

Pick Your Battles (Because Most Arenโ€™t Worth Fighting)

If your spouse says something you disagree with, do you jump to correct them?

Do you listen to respond โ€” or listen to understand?

When conversations become battlegrounds, neither of you wins. And 99% of the time, the disagreement isnโ€™t worth the emotional fallout.

Hereโ€™s what is worth it: learning how to fight fairly and with love.


Related Readingโ€ฆ


Learn Each Otherโ€™s Triggers โ€” and Respect Them

One of the most powerful things you can do as a couple is recognize and name your emotional triggers. Then work as a team to avoid pushing those buttons.

If you know your partner feels abandoned when you walk away during a disagreement, say:

โ€œIโ€™m overwhelmed. I just need ten minutes โ€” but I will come back.โ€

If your partner knows you feel dismissed when they cut you off, they can practice active listening and mirroring:

โ€œWhat I hear you saying isโ€ฆ Did I get that right?โ€

This is how trust gets rebuilt. One moment at a time.


Is โ€œIncompatibilityโ€ Just Another Word for Giving Up?

A 2014 study found the top reasons for divorce were:

  • Lack of commitment (75%)

  • Infidelity (59.6%)

  • Too much arguing (57.7%)

Too much arguing came in third. Not incompatibility.

Blaming the end of a marriage on โ€œincompatibilityโ€ often reflects a feeling of hopelessness or emotional fatigue โ€” not a lack of potential. But when couples stop trying, stop listening, or stop believing the relationship can improve, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can change that.


What to Do Next

If youโ€™ve read this far, itโ€™s because you care. Youโ€™re willing to work. You just need a process that actually works for where you are right now.

Thatโ€™s exactly what our 2-day private marriage retreats are designed to offer โ€” clarity, tools, and hope.

Whether you’re on the edge or just tired of the same old patterns, you donโ€™t have to stay stuck.

Letโ€™s help you turn your marriage into a partnership that feels safe, connected, and real again.

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

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