Are You in a Codependent Relationship?
If you’re wondering, “Am I codependent in my marriage?” — you’re not alone.
Many loving, caring partners slip into codependent patterns without even realizing it.
Codependency happens when the desire to help or support your spouse turns into losing your own sense of identity. You may find yourself overly focused on your partner’s needs, emotions, or approval — while neglecting your own.
It’s often rooted in good intentions, but over time, it can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection on both sides.
What Is Codependency in Marriage?
In a healthy marriage, both partners support each other while maintaining independence.
In a codependent marriage, however, one or both partners depend on the other to feel okay — emotionally, mentally, or even physically.
This dynamic often develops when one person plays the “caretaker” and the other the “dependent.”
The caretaker may feel responsible for fixing their partner’s moods or problems, while the dependent may rely on being rescued.
Over time, this creates an imbalance of power, unmet needs, and emotional burnout.
Common Symptoms of Codependency in Marriage
Do any of these sound familiar?
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You have trouble making decisions without your spouse’s input or approval.
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You worry constantly about your partner’s happiness, even at the expense of your own.
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You find it hard to identify or express your own feelings.
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You feel guilty when you take time for yourself.
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You base your self-worth on how much you’re needed.
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You fear your partner will leave if you assert yourself.
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You take responsibility for your spouse’s moods, addiction, or behavior.
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You stay in the relationship even when it’s harmful because you’re afraid of being alone.
If several of these resonate, you may be stuck in a codependent pattern — but there’s hope. Healing doesn’t mean leaving the marriage; it means learning a new way to relate.
Why Codependency Develops
Codependency often starts in childhood.
If you grew up in a family where you had to take care of others’ emotions, avoid conflict, or earn love by being “good,” you likely learned to ignore your own needs.
As adults, we unconsciously repeat those same patterns in marriage. We may choose partners who mirror our childhood relationships — or whose wounds activate our own.
That’s why Imago Relationship Therapy teaches that we marry the person who can help us heal our unmet childhood needs. Conflict, when handled consciously, becomes an opportunity for growth rather than proof something is wrong.
How Codependency Affects Your Marriage
Left unchecked, codependency can quietly erode your relationship:
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Emotional exhaustion: One partner gives too much; the other feels smothered.
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Loss of attraction: The caretaker role can make the relationship feel parent–child instead of equal partners.
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Unspoken resentment: You may start to feel unappreciated or used.
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Enabling unhealthy behavior: Trying to “rescue” your partner can keep them stuck in their own patterns.
The good news? You can change these dynamics — together.
How to Overcome Codependency in Marriage
Healing from codependency doesn’t mean you stop caring — it means you start caring for yourself, too.
Here’s how to begin:
1. Rebuild Your Sense of Self
Start reconnecting with who you are outside the relationship. What brings you joy, peace, or purpose? Engage in activities or friendships that nurture your individuality.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re clarity about where you end and your spouse begins.
Examples:
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“I love you, but I can’t fix this for you.”
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“I need some time to recharge before we talk about this.”
These statements create space for mutual respect and autonomy.
3. Communicate Honestly and Calmly
Codependent couples often avoid hard conversations to prevent conflict.
Learning structured, intentional communication (like the Imago Dialogue) helps you share without blame or defensiveness.
4. Focus on Emotional Safety
When both partners feel safe to express needs and feelings without judgment, real healing begins.
5. Seek Professional Support
Working with a therapist experienced in relational therapy — such as Imago Relationship Therapy — can help you both unlearn unhealthy patterns and build a more balanced, conscious connection.
(Explore our Marriage Counseling Retreats for accelerated healing.)
A Healthier Love Is Possible
You don’t have to “lose yourself” to keep your marriage together.
When you and your spouse both feel empowered to show up as your full selves — with honesty, empathy, and mutual respect — love can deepen in ways that feel truly secure.
Even if you’ve been stuck in a codependent dynamic for years, change begins with awareness and courage.
You can grow — together.
Key Takeaways
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Codependency in marriage is about losing your sense of self in caring for your partner.
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Common signs include poor boundaries, fear of abandonment, and low self-esteem.
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Healing involves rebuilding self-worth, setting boundaries, and communicating safely.
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Imago Relationship Therapy helps couples move from codependence to connection.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, Rabbi Slatkin helps couples transform painful patterns into opportunities for healing through intensive retreats and private therapy.
Sources
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Melody Beattie. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing, 1986.
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Dr. Harville Hendrix & Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin, 2019.
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Cermak, T. L. (1986). “Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence.” Hazelden Foundation.
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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). “Codependency and Enabling.” Retrieved from samhsa.gov.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. “How to Reconnect With Your Husband or Wife After a Fight.” Retrieved from themarriagerestorationproject.com.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. “3 Imago Dialogue Steps: Validation, Mirroring & Empathy.” Retrieved from themarriagerestorationproject.com.
Continue Reading
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- Non-Religious Marriage Counseling
- Overcoming Intimacy Issues Caused by Childhood Trauma
- Infidelity Marriage Counseling
- Defining Infidelity: Types of Cheating & How it Can Affect Relationships
- Reestablishing Trust After Infidelity
