Should I go to individual therapy before couples therapy? What if my therapist says I’m the problem in my marriage? Can couples therapy help if childhood trauma is involved? Do I need to fix myself before marriage counseling? For many couples, even deciding to go to marriage counseling is a big leap. You may worry the therapist will take sides or blame you. You may even think that addressing the situation will make things worse. That’s why it can feel unhelpful—or even discouraging—when a therapist tells one partner they need individual therapy first before couples work. Yet, this happens more often than you’d think.
Has Your Therapist Told You to Try Individual Therapy Before Couples Counseling?
While it may be true that one partner had a particularly difficult childhood, the best way to address these relationship challenges is usually in the context of the relationship itself. A marriage is uniquely positioned to trigger old wounds and, importantly, to help heal them.
As Dr. Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, explains: “If we look at clients through the prism of interconnectivity, the diagnosis changes from something inside them being wrong to changing their interactions so that they can feel safe and connect.”¹
After all, we are born in relationship, wounded in relationship, and can best heal through relationship. Your partner is often the ideal person to help you do that work—when supported by a skilled therapist who can guide the process.
When Individual Therapy Does Make Sense
Of course, there are situations where individual support is necessary. For example, when someone is struggling with:
- Active addiction or substance abuse²
- Untreated trauma from severe abuse
- Serious mental health disorders that require stabilization
In these cases, individual therapy can provide important scaffolding. However, for most of the “everyday” challenges couples face—resentment, communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection—research suggests that working together in a safe and structured couples setting is the most effective path forward.³
The Problem with Labeling One Spouse as “The Issue”
It is rarely accurate—or helpful—for one partner to be told they are the problem. Relationships are a dynamic system, and difficulties almost always stem from patterns between both partners rather than one person’s deficits.⁴
When therapy frames one partner as “broken” or “the cause” of the marriage problems, it sets up an unfair playing field. This can deepen shame, reinforce blame, and stall the healing process. Instead, the focus should be on the interactional patterns and how both people can learn to co-create a safe, connected, and supportive marriage.
Why Couples Therapy Is Often the Best First Step
Unless one partner is completely unwilling to do the work, most couples can benefit from starting in therapy together. By working as a team, couples learn to:
- Understand the unconscious reasons they were drawn to one another
- Identify and interrupt negative cycles of conflict
- Create safety through intentional dialogue and emotional presence
- Rebuild connection and intimacy over time
Even childhood wounds—often seen as “individual issues”—can be addressed more effectively when the partner is involved. In fact, studies show that couples therapy can reduce depressive symptoms and improve relationship satisfaction simultaneously.⁵
At The Marriage Restoration Project, we help couples achieve in just two days what can take six months or more in weekly counseling. Our Marriage Restoration Retreats provide both partners with a safe, structured, and accelerated environment to finally break through stuck patterns and heal together.
Key Takeaways
- Couples therapy should usually be the first step, unless there are major issues like active addiction or untreated trauma.
- Blaming one partner is counterproductive—relationship problems are typically rooted in patterns between both spouses.
- Healing happens in relationships: Since we’re wounded in relationships, we often need our partner to help us heal.
- Retreats and intensives provide accelerated breakthroughs for couples who feel stuck or hopeless.
Sources
- Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York: Henry Holt and Company.
- American Psychological Association. (2020). Addiction and treatment.
- Lebow, J., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.
- Gurman, A. S. (2011). Couple therapy research and the practice of couple therapy. Family Process, 50(3), 347–364.
- Bodenmann, G., et al. (2008). The efficacy of couples-based interventions in treating depression. Behavior Therapy, 39(1), 79–91.
