You’ve finally found marriage help that may work this time. You tell your spouse about it, invite them to join you—and get hit with a big, fat “NO.”
If your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, you may feel stuck, frustrated, and hopeless. But you’re not alone. Many husbands and wives face this exact situation, and the good news is: you still have options.
Why Your Spouse May Refuse Counseling
Before you try to drag your partner to therapy, it helps to understand the resistance. Many spouses have good reasons for saying no:
- Past negative experiences: Maybe they felt blamed or ganged up on by a therapist before.
- Fear of change: Counseling often stirs up uncomfortable emotions and challenges.
- Stigma or pride: Some people see counseling as a sign of weakness.
- Mistrust in the process: They may believe “therapy doesn’t work.”
Research shows that reluctance is common: around two-thirds of divorcing couples never seek therapy at all, and of those who do, many attend less than four sessions .
What to Do If Your Spouse Refuses Counseling
Step 1: Acknowledge the “Dragger” and the “Draggee”
In almost every couple, one partner (the dragger) wants change more urgently, while the other (the draggee) resists. This is normal.
If you’re the dragger, don’t take it personally—your role is to reduce resistance, not force participation. Pushing too hard can actually backfire.
Step 2: Take Responsibility First
One of the most powerful ways to lower your spouse’s defenses is to own your part. Instead of saying:
“You need to change, so let’s go to therapy.”
Try saying:
“I want to work on being a better spouse, and I’d love your support in that.”
This small shift reframes counseling as an opportunity for you to grow, rather than a punishment for them. It makes your partner more likely to join you willingly.
Step 3: Go With the Resistance
If your partner won’t go to therapy, don’t resort to threats or ultimatums. These create more distance. Instead:
- Accept where they are.
- Focus on improving your own behavior and emotional safety in the relationship.
- Demonstrate change through action, not pressure.
Paradoxically, when you stop pushing, your spouse often feels safer to re-consider later.
Common Reasons Spouses Say “No” to Counseling — and How to Respond
| Reason Your Spouse Refuses | What They Might Be Thinking | How You Can Respond (Without Pressure) |
|---|---|---|
| “Counseling didn’t work before.” | “I felt blamed, shamed, or it was a waste of money.” | Acknowledge their past experience: “I get that it was hard before. This time, I want to focus on learning how I can improve as a spouse.” |
| “I don’t want a stranger involved.” | “Therapy feels awkward or invasive.” | Suggest a short trial: “Let’s just have one conversation with the therapist and then decide together if it helps.” |
| “It’s not that bad.” | “I don’t see the same problems you do.” | Validate: “I know things aren’t all bad. I’d just like us to strengthen what’s already good so we don’t drift apart.” |
| “Therapy is too expensive.” | “Why spend money on this?” | Frame as investment: “Our marriage is the foundation for everything else—our kids, our finances, our happiness. This is cheaper than divorce.” |
| “You just want to change me.” | “I’ll be ganged up on.” | Reassure: “I don’t want to change you. I want to learn how I can be better, so we can both feel happier.” |
| “I don’t have time.” | “Life is already overwhelming.” | Suggest alternatives: online sessions, shorter intensives, or self-paced resources. Remind them that a healthier marriage saves time in the long run. |
Step 4: Improve the Relationship on Your Own- How to Improve Your Marriage Without Counseling
Even if your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, you can still make progress:
- Read and apply relationship resources (such as The 60-Second Plan to a Happy Marriage free guide).
- Model better communication—listen without interrupting, show empathy, reduce criticism.
- Practice small daily repairs—acts of kindness, gratitude, and patience that rebuild trust.
Research from the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy shows that even unilateral changes (where only one partner works on new behaviors) can spark a positive ripple effect .
FAQ: When Your Spouse Refuses Marriage Counseling
Q: Should I go to counseling alone if my spouse won’t come? Can marriage counseling work if only one spouse goes?
A: We encourage you to learn tools (like in our 5 step marriage audio/video program) to change dynamics, even if your partner isn’t ready yet. Going to an individual therapist when you’re having problems with your spouse is risky for many reasons.
Q: Is refusing counseling a red flag for divorce?
A: Not necessarily. Many couples start with resistance. What matters is whether both partners eventually show willingness to grow. Studies suggest that ambivalent spouses often shift toward engagement once they see genuine change .
Q: How do I ask again without nagging?
A: Focus on timing. After a period of calm, frame the invitation around your desire to be better, not their “failures.”
Q: What if my spouse never agrees to go?
A: You can still strengthen the relationship by applying healthy communication patterns, seeking individual support, and modeling change. If your spouse refuses indefinitely and conflict escalates, professional guidance for yourself may help you decide the next steps.
Key Takeaways: How to save a marriage when your spouse won’t try
- Resistance to counseling is normal—don’t assume it means your spouse doesn’t care.
- Avoid blame; instead, take responsibility for your own part first.
- Accept your spouse’s hesitance and go with the resistance rather than forcing it.
- Positive change can begin with one partner—and often inspires the other to follow.
- Don’t give up. Many couples who initially resisted counseling later turned things around and saved their marriage.
Sources
- William J. Doherty & Steven M. Harris, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, “Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce” (2017).
- Alan S. Gurman, Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, “Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy: Empirical Status” (2011).
- Scott Stanley et al., Journal of Family Psychology, “Sliding vs. Deciding: Commitment Uncertainty in Couple Relationships” (2006).