Every couple is different. With weekly counseling, many feel some relief within weeks, and deeper rebuilding often takes 12–24 months. With a 2-day intensive plus our focused follow-ups, early calm and clarity can come much faster, and many couples solidify change in 6–12 months—as long as there’s no “trickle truth,” real accountability, and daily practice. Recovery is non-linear; the goal isn’t to “go back to normal,” but to build a better normal. If you’re still in the first 72 hours post affair discovery, get this emergency guide. The full process for getting started with marriage counseling for infidelity is here.
Our program at a glance: A signature 2-day Affair Recovery Bootcamp followed by eight 90-minute follow-ups, designed by Rabbi Shlomo after seeing what consistently helps across thousands of couples. This built-in follow-up sequence is a unique feature of our intensive.
Two common paths to Healing after an Affair
Path A: Weekly counseling
Phase 1 — Stabilize (2–8 weeks). Stop ongoing harm, set ground rules, learn how to slow conflict and sleep again.¹²
Phase 2 — Understand (1–3 months). Tell the truth in a structured way, take ownership, explore why it happened without making excuses.¹²
Phase 3 — Rebuild (6–18+ months). Add trust-building habits, better communication, careful steps back into intimacy, and a plan to prevent relapse.
If weekly counseling feels too slow to get over everything, consider a 2-day intensive.
Path B: Intensive first (our accelerated start)
Before the weekend (1–2 weeks). Ending the affair takes place and a willingness to do the work.
The 2-day intensive (our signature format). A contained space to tell the full truth, take responsibility, learn calmer ways to talk, and start trust rituals—created by Shlomo and paired with eight 90-minute follow-ups that make the new habits stick. This 8×90 minute follow-up sequence is built into our affair recovery intensive.
Weeks 1–6 after. You lock in the new habits with those eight follow-up sessions (see the sample below). Then months 3–12 are about getting stronger and steadier.
Why intensives help: Keeping disclosure, accountability, and bonding in one safe container reduces the between-session re-injury that can stall weekly work.¹¹ Compare best models of therapy for infidelity here.
Normal bumps on the road (and what to do)
- “Why am I angry again?” (the second wave). After the crisis eases, anger or grief can come back around months 3–6. It’s common, not failure.³ ⁶ Why counseling is still worth it when it hits
- Do: name it as the “second wave,” slow down, reflect back what you heard, and keep showing accountability in actions, not just words.
- Avoid: “trickle truth”—every new reveal restarts the trauma clock.¹²
- When thoughts keep resurfacing — contain, don’t chase. Use this scheduled Q&A approach (part of our emergency guide)
- Time-boxed check-ins (15–20 min). Give reassurance a container; outside that time, write questions down.¹ ² ⁸
- Fight the cycle, not each other (EFT). Name your pursue/withdraw dance and team up against it.⁴
- Co-regulate first, problem-solve second. Short breathing/walk/grounding before hard talks helps triggers pass faster.³⁴
- Planned trigger exposures. Re-enter tough places/apps in small steps, then finish with a repair ritual (walk + two-way reassurance).¹²
- Forgiveness — Decision → Process → Maintenance. It follows a stretch of truth-telling, remorse in action, and new consistent behavior—not a single apology.
Does the pain ever go away?
For most couples who do the work, the pain changes: triggers get less sharp and pass faster as reliable repairs repeat.
Weeks 0–6 after a 2-day intensive: 8 follow-ups (90 minutes each)
This is a sample of what might come up during the weeks after the intensive. In real life, you lead the agenda—we focus on what’s needed that week. Recovery is messy. There’s no one-size-fits-all. Our aim is to install safety and positivity until the follow-ups become habits you keep. An affair can be a wake-up call to better patterns—clearer boundaries, calmer talks, daily trust.
Week 0 — The weekend itself. Full, guided disclosure; a concrete accountability plan; clear time-outs; first trust rituals; a simple trigger plan.
Our differentiator: This eight-session follow-up is built into our intensive—so change becomes muscle memory, not just a good weekend.
How you’ll know it’s working
Fewer blowups, faster cooldowns. You exit arguments quicker.
Triggers change. They still happen, but feel less intense and pass faster.
Repairs land. “Can we restart?” works more often—for both of you.
Trust deposits happen. Daily/weekly rituals happen without reminders.
Consistency. Plans kept, boundaries honored, no “new reveals.” Your body learns it’s safe.
What helps (and what hurts)
Helps:
• No-contact and transparency (if relevant) shut off the alarm.¹ ²
• Structured disclosure prevents re-injury and ends “trickle truth.”¹ ²
• Remorse in action (repeated reliable behaviors) rebuilds trust.¹ ²
• Gentle dialogues & daily rituals add up.
• Early de-escalation (IBCT) keeps conflict from spiraling.⁵
• Intensive when stuck preserves momentum.¹¹
Hurts:
• Trickle truth/minimizing restarts the clock.¹ ²
• Any contact with the affair partner keeps the alarm on.¹ ²
• Unstructured venting floods everyone; use containers.¹ ²
• Being “neutral” about dishonesty undermines safety.¹ ²
• Skipping practice lets old patterns return.⁷ ⁸
Quick “if-then” guide
If anger spikes again (month 3–6), call it the “second wave,” do a 20-minute dialogue, and end with one small repair (thanks, follow-through). It teaches your body that conflict can end in connection.
If obsessing returns, use your Q&A window, do one planned exposure this week, and finish with a repair ritual. Your brain learns: trigger → relief.
If intimacy feels scary, pause; do a bonding exercise + appreciation round; revisit boundaries; add aftercare before trying again.
If you’re stuck 4+ weeks, book a mini-intensive block or longer session to close loose ends and rebuild momentum.
FAQ: Infidelity Recovery Timelines
Q1: How long does it usually take to recover from infidelity?
With weekly counseling, most couples see early relief within a few weeks, but deeper rebuilding often takes 12–24 months. With a 2-day intensive plus structured follow-ups, many couples reach stability and progress in 6–12 months—provided there’s honesty, accountability, and consistent practice.
Q2: What makes recovery faster or slower?
Recovery is slowed by “trickle truth” (new details emerging later), ongoing contact with the affair partner, or skipping practice between sessions. It’s accelerated when couples have structured disclosure, clear no-contact boundaries, remorse shown through actions, and daily trust-building rituals.
Q3: Is it normal to feel angry again months later?
Yes. Many couples experience a “second wave” of anger or grief around 3–6 months after discovery. This doesn’t mean recovery failed—it’s a normal phase. Using calm dialogue, accountability, and small repair rituals helps couples move through it.
Q4: Can counseling really save a marriage after an affair?
Yes—if both partners are willing to do the work. The most successful recoveries happen when couples commit to truth-telling, rebuilding safety, and practicing new relational habits daily. Intensives with follow-up sessions often help couples heal faster and more deeply than weekly therapy alone.
Q5: What’s different about an intensive retreat compared to weekly therapy?
Weekly therapy can lose momentum between sessions, leaving room for re-injury. Intensives provide a focused container for full disclosure, accountability, and bonding, then reinforce new habits with structured follow-ups. This hybrid approach turns breakthroughs into lasting change.
Q6: Does the pain ever fully go away?
For most couples who commit to the process, the pain changes over time. Triggers still happen, but they become less sharp, pass faster, and are met with effective repair. The affair becomes part of the couple’s history—but no longer defines their future.
Key Takeaways
• Weekly counseling often brings relief in weeks; deeper rebuilding commonly takes 12–24 months. A 2-day intensive + our eight follow-ups can bring calm and clarity in 2–6 weeks, with many couples consolidating in 6–12 months—when truth, safety, and practice are in place.
• Expect a second wave of anger. It’s normal. Keep using the plan: gentle dialogue, steady accountability, small daily repairs.
• Intrusive thoughts are common. Contain them to a daily window, co-regulate first, and use planned trigger exposures with a repair ritual.
• Forgiveness comes after sustained repair (Decision → Process → Maintenance), not a one-time pass.
• Our intensive was created by Shlomo and refined with thousands of couples; the built-in 8 follow-ups are what make the weekend stick.
Choosing pace matters- see weekly vs bootcamp (hybrid).
Sources
- Baucom, D.H., Snyder, D.K., & Gordon, K.C. (2009). Helping Couples Get Past the Affair. Guilford.
- Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting Past the Affair. Guilford.
- Eisenberger, N.I., Lieberman, M.D., & Williams, K.D. (2003). Social exclusion and physical pain overlap. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
- Johnson, S.M., & Greenman, P.S. (2006). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(5), 597–609.
- Christensen, A., Atkins, D.C., Yi, J., et al. (2006). IBCT outcomes & mechanisms. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1122–1134.*
- Glass, S.P. (2002). Couple therapy after the trauma of infidelity. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(11), 1437–1447.
- Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W.W. Norton.
- Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H.L. (2008). Doing Imago Relationship Therapy: A Clinician’s Guide. W.W. Norton.
- Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H.L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want (3rd ed.). St. Martin’s Griffin.
- Gordon, K.C., & Baucom, D.H. (1999). A synthesized model of forgiveness. Family Process, 38(4), 425–449.
- Lebow, J., & Snyder, D.K. (2000–2012). Reviews of time-limited/intensive approaches in couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy reviews.
