Why In-Law Problems Are So Common (and So Painful)
Between holidays, family events, and vacations, couples often find themselves spending more time than usual with parents, siblings, and extended family. While family time can be meaningful, it can also trigger deep conflict—especially when spouses disagree on how to handle in-laws, boundaries, and competing loyalties.
In-law tension is one of the top causes of marital stress. A lack of clear boundaries can lead to:
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Feeling undermined or disrespected by parents-in-law
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Arguing with your spouse about loyalty or interference
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Emotional exhaustion around family gatherings
But here’s the good news: in-law problems don’t have to tear your marriage apart. With clear communication and boundaries, you can protect your relationship and even build more mutual respect.
5 Ways to Prevent In-Law Problems From Hurting Your Marriage
1. Set Healthy Boundaries Early
Even the most loving parents can overstep. The Torah’s wisdom captures it best:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
This doesn’t mean cutting off your parents—it means re-centering loyalty around your spouse.
Let your parents know you appreciate their input, but that you and your partner make decisions together. If they cross boundaries, respond calmly yet firmly. Respectful consistency often teaches others how to treat your marriage.
2. Stay on the Same Team as Your Spouse
You and your spouse must stand united. Before family visits or holidays, have a private check-in:
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What are each of your triggers or worries?
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What situations might create tension?
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How can you quietly support each other in the moment?
When couples walk in aligned, they handle family dynamics gracefully. When they don’t, in-laws can easily sense division—and that division often grows into resentment.
3. Don’t Seek Advice From Your Parents About Your Marriage
It’s natural to want your parents’ wisdom, but doing so can backfire. When you vent to them, they often take sides—and they don’t forget what you forgive.
Instead, discuss family issues with your spouse first or in therapy. If you need outside perspective, talk to a neutral third party such as a counselor, mentor, or trusted friend who isn’t emotionally involved.
4. Avoid Complaining About Your Spouse to Your Parents
Even small criticisms can create lasting damage. You might feel better after venting, but your parents may carry anger or judgment that lingers for years.
If you need to process frustration, use a journal, talk to a therapist, or try the Imago Dialogue—a safe communication method that helps partners share pain without blame.
5. Stop Trying to Impress Your In-Laws
Many spouses burn themselves out trying to earn approval. But a spotless house or perfect meal won’t matter if the energy in your home is tense and resentful.
True honor comes from creating a peaceful atmosphere—not perfection. A calm, warm home impresses far more than fancy table settings.
How to Create Peace Between Marriage and Family
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Respect both sides. Your spouse’s parents are important to them; yours are important to you. Model respect even if you disagree.
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Plan recovery time. After holidays or visits, schedule time to reconnect privately as a couple.
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Use structured dialogue. If family conflict escalates, use a 5-Step Communication Process or seek a Marriage Counseling Intensive to rebuild safety.
When couples learn to protect their bond, family tension becomes an opportunity for growth rather than a source of division.
Key Takeaways
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In-law issues are common but manageable with clear communication and boundaries.
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Always stand united with your spouse—your marriage comes first.
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Avoid venting or triangulating with parents about marital issues.
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Focus on calm connection rather than perfection during family gatherings.
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With mutual respect and guidance, even tense family relationships can heal.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. As founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, he helps couples create safety, rebuild trust, and transform conflict through intensives, workshops, and online programs.
Sources
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Hendrix H., & Hunt H. L. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. Boundaries With Your In-Laws.
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Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
