by Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, licensed clinical professional counselor and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project

Many couples search for answers to questions like:

• “Why aren’t we as intimate as we used to be?”

• “Why does my spouse want intimacy differently than I do?”

• “How do I fix intimacy issues in my marriage?”

• “Why do I crave emotional closeness while my spouse wants physical intimacy?”

If you’ve ever wondered any of these, you’re not alone.

Intimacy in marriage is not just about sex — it’s about emotional safety, feeling valued, feeling understood, and knowing that your partner truly sees you. But men and women often experience intimacy differently, and misunderstanding these differences can create distance.

Here’s how to improve marriage intimacy by understanding what you both need — emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

True Intimacy Is Rare — and It Requires Growth

Every marriage moves through phases:

• Honeymoon phase

• Power struggle phase

• Disconnection or distance phase

• Rebuilding intimacy phase

Most couples never learned how to navigate these stages — so intimacy fades, resentment grows, and misunderstandings deepen.

True intimacy requires:

• self-awareness

• vulnerability

• compassion

• communication skills

• patience

Without them, the power struggle can last for decades.

Understanding Masculine & Feminine Energy in Relationships

Healthy intimacy requires balancing masculine (yang) and feminine (yin) energies — and every person has both, regardless of gender.

• Masculine energy values respect, trust, appreciation, and purpose

• Feminine energy values connection, emotional safety, affection, and being cherished

When these energies are misunderstood or dismissed, intimacy breaks down.

Successful couples learn to understand their partner’s natural energy — not fight against it.

Men and Women Often Experience Intimacy Differently

What Men Need to Feel Intimate

Research and clinical experience consistently show that men often feel most connected when they feel:

• respected

• appreciated

• needed

• admired

• successful

• desired

Men also feel closer when their wives seem emotionally content — not overwhelmed or critical.

When a man feels disrespected or criticized, intimacy shuts down for him.

What Women Need to Feel Intimate

Most women need emotional intimacy before they can access physical intimacy.

Women feel most connected when they feel:

• heard

• understood

• emotionally safe

• cherished

• valued

• supported

Women’s intimacy often begins long before the bedroom — through affection, conversation, and feeling emotionally prioritized.

Why Couples Struggle With Intimacy

Here are the most common reasons couples search online for intimacy help:

1. Emotional needs are misunderstood

Men and women often misinterpret each other’s reactions, leading to frustration, withdrawal, or conflict.

2. Communication has broken down

Without safe communication tools, conversations turn into arguments or shutdowns.

3. Resentment has built up

Unresolved hurt blocks intimacy — emotionally and physically.

4. Stress is overwhelming the relationship

Parenting, work, finances, and exhaustion kill intimacy if couples don’t protect their bond.

5. Physical intimacy has changed

Weight gain, hormonal changes, medical issues, and life transitions can shift physical desire.

These issues are normal — unless ignored.

Tips for Women to Improve Intimacy

• Pick your battles. Not every irritation is worth a fight.

• Avoid “mothering” your husband. It shuts down his masculine energy.

• Show trust in his judgment. Even if you see things differently.

• Do things that make YOU happy. Happier wives create safer intimacy.

• Prioritize self-care, hobbies, and friendships. Joy increases emotional availability.

• Use calm communication tools. Avoid starting conversations mid-conflict or mid-emotion.

Tips for Men to Improve Intimacy

• Listen without fixing. Women crave emotional presence, not solutions.

• Validate her feelings. “I hear you. That makes sense.”

• Stay present, even when uncomfortable. Connection comes from vulnerability.

• Use affection, not just sexual initiation. Touch without expectation builds trust.

• Share your inner world. Emotional intimacy opens her up physically.

• Be consistent. Small daily gestures matter more than big grand gestures.

When Physical Intimacy Becomes Difficult

A sexless marriage or intimacy drought does not mean failure.
Common causes include:

• shame

• childhood trauma

• body-image struggles

• porn addiction

• hormone changes

• depression or anxiety

• unresolved emotional hurts

• medical issues

• medication side effects

• emotional disconnection

Physical intimacy almost always improves when emotional intimacy improves.

But if you’re struggling, you may need deeper support — especially if porn addiction, avoidance, or resentment is present.

A structured program such as a 2-Day Marriage Intensive can help uncover the real root of the intimacy issues quickly.

A Better Way to Feel Heard in Marriage

Here are simple intimacy-building tools you can use immediately:

• Make eye contact when your partner speaks.

• Use phrases like: “That makes sense,” “Tell me more.”

• Repeat back something meaningful they shared earlier to show you listened.

• Do curiosity-based questions like:

  • “What was it like growing up in your home?”

  • “What made you feel loved as a child?”

Feeling heard builds emotional intimacy — which always leads to deeper physical intimacy.

Key Takeaways

• Men and women experience intimacy differently — understanding this is essential.

• Men crave respect, appreciation, and being needed.

• Women crave emotional connection, being heard, and feeling cherished.

• Emotional intimacy is the foundation of physical intimacy.

• Communication skills are the #1 predictor of intimacy in marriage.

• Intimacy problems often have emotional, historical, or physiological roots — not just sexual.

FAQs About Improving Intimacy in Marriage

How can I improve intimacy in my marriage fast?

Start with emotional safety: validation, listening, affection, and calm communication.

Why do men need respect more than affection?

Respect makes men feel safe, valued, and emotionally open — which fosters intimacy.

Why do women need emotional connection before sex?

Women’s intimacy is tied to emotional safety and feeling cherished.

Can intimacy come back after years of disconnection?

Absolutely — with the right tools, emotional and physical intimacy can be rebuilt.

Is a sexless marriage fixable?

Yes. Most cases improve once emotional barriers are addressed. And if you need more help, consider a 2 day Private Marriage Intensive so you can work on your unique issues with guidance and support. 

Sources

1. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
   (Demonstrates how respect, emotional connection, and responsive communication increase marital intimacy.)

2. Johnson, S. (2004). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
   (Shows how emotional bonding and attachment needs differ between partners and create intimacy.)

3. Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.
   (Seminal research on gender differences in communication and emotional expression.)

4. Baumeister, R. F., Catanese, K. R., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). “Is There a Gender Difference in Strength of Sex Drive?” Personality and Social Psychology Review.
   (Supports the idea that men and women often initiate and experience physical intimacy differently.)

5. Reis, H. T. & Shaver, P. (1988). “Intimacy as an Interpersonal Process.” Handbook of Personal Relationships.
   (Breaks down how emotional presence and responsive listening build intimacy.)

6. Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage.
   (Shows how communication patterns, conflict, and respect affect long-term intimacy.)

7. Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships.
   (Classic resource on emotional and sexual intimacy, desire dynamics, and differentiation.)

8. Masters, W. H., Johnson, V. E., & Kolodny, R. C. (1995). Human Sexuality.
   (Foundational research on sexual response, intimacy, and physiological/psychological factors.)

9. Feeney, B. C. & Collins, N. L. (2015). “A New Look at Social Support: A Theoretical Perspective on Thriving Through Relationships.” Personality and Social Psychology Review.
   (Highlights how emotional responsiveness increases connection, safety, and marital closeness.)

10. Basson, R. (2001). “Human Sex-Response Cycles and Sexual Desire.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
    (Influential research on differing sexual desire pathways between men and women — especially women’s need for emotional intimacy.)

11. Aron, A., et al. (1997). “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
    (Evidence supporting intimacy-building exercises like sharing personal stories and curiosity-based questions.)

12. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
    (Explores intimacy, desire, and emotional connection in long-term relationships.)