The main reason why Rivka and I started The Marriage Restoration Project was so that children would not have to go through what she experienced as a little girl caught in the middle of her parent’s bitter divorce. This is still a motivator for us—to help create happy, loving families.
So it becomes deeply personal and painful to hear stories of couples who once fell in love, are currently struggling, and are now on the road to calling it quits. While some may think divorce is the better option, I can already foresee the nightmare ensuing for all involved, and my heart breaks for the kids.1
The Hidden Factor: Infidelity Beyond Affairs
What makes it particularly troubling is that I see a common denominator in the ultimate destruction of many relationships that have struggled for years: infidelity.
This isn’t always a physical affair. Infidelity can include any outside influence where one is no longer fully loyal to their spouse—whether it’s a friend, therapist, clergyman, or even a well-meaning confidant who sows division.
When a spouse starts taking cues from others who demonize their partner, it undermines all progress made in counseling. It’s as if someone else’s voice is speaking through them. This “third party” effect is well-documented in marital research, where external alliances weaken trust and commitment inside the marriage.2
The grass is always greener on the other side, and misery loves company. Hanging around with other divorced friends is not a good idea. Getting self-empowerment through personal work and then coming home and cursing out your spouse shows that there is something not right with this picture.
All potential influencers in a relationship need to be cognizant that this friend, client, etc… is part of a marriage, connected to someone who is not here. It is ok to be there and validate but to take sides without hearing the other or embolden them is not in their best interests because once a person gets married and has children, their decisions do not only impact themselves, but many others lives for generations to come.
When couples explore their childhood pain and connect it to their current marriage conflict, it pains me to see how so much of this could be prevented. Do you want your kids in therapy?
Outside Influences That Derail Marriages
| ❌ Toxic Influence | 💔 How It Hurts the Marriage | ✅ Healthier Alternative |
|---|---|---|
| Friends who normalize divorce | Creates pressure to “give up” instead of repair | Surround yourself with couples who value commitment |
| Biased therapist or clergy | Invalidates one partner; reinforces division | Work with a counselor who prioritizes the relationship |
| Personal self-empowerment without balance | Leads to anger at home, resentment toward spouse | Pair individual work with joint relational accountability |
| Confidants who take sides | Fosters secrecy, loyalty shifts away from spouse | Focus inward—practice transparency with your partner |
| Divorced peers as primary support system | Makes divorce feel inevitable | Seek support groups or mentors who encourage repair |
The Danger of Toxic Influences
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Divorced peers can normalize giving up rather than repairing.
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Self-empowerment work without relational accountability can morph into anger at home.
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Friends or helpers who take sides unintentionally sabotage progress by invalidating the other spouse’s perspective.
When couples explore their childhood pain and connect it to their current marriage conflict, I often see how preventable much of this really is. But as long as outside influences cloud one partner’s vision, true healing can’t begin.3
My Request to Couples on the Brink
So my request is: if your marriage is struggling and you really want to give it an honest effort, make an informed choice in the best interest of yourself and everyone else involved, seal the exits. Stop talking to everyone else and focus on your marriage.
If your marriage is struggling and you genuinely want to give it an honest effort, make an informed choice in the best interest of yourself, your spouse, and your children:
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Seal the exits. Stop running to others for validation that undermines your marriage.
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Focus inward. Work with your spouse directly and with a therapist who prioritizes the relationship, not outside allegiances.
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Avoid toxic advice. Well-meaning but destructive counsel can prevent you from addressing your own patterns—which you’ll carry into the next relationship if unresolved.4
If you still feel like you want to move on after truly giving it your best, at least you’ll know you were honest with yourself. But as long as someone else is in the picture, your vision will remain clouded.
FAQ: Before You Decide on Divorce
Q: Why is “outside influence” such a big deal if my spouse and I are already struggling?
A: External voices—friends, therapists, or peers—often magnify disconnection by validating only one perspective. True healing requires both partners engaging together, not in separate camps.
Q: Isn’t self-empowerment work good for me and my marriage?
A: Yes—but without relational accountability, it can backfire. Personal growth should help you show up better in the marriage, not give you excuses to disconnect.
Q: What if my friends are divorced—should I cut them off?
A: Not necessarily. But be cautious. If conversations reinforce resentment or normalize leaving, it can erode your commitment. Balance those friendships with ones that support growth and reconciliation.
Q: How do I know if my counselor is helping or harming our marriage?
A: Ask directly: “Do you see the relationship as the client, or me individually?” Therapists trained in relational work (like Imago or EFT) will keep the focus on healing the bond, not just one partner’s perspective.
Q: What if after sealing the exits, I still feel like leaving?
A: Then at least you’ll know you made the choice with clarity—not clouded by outside influences. That gives you peace and prevents repeating patterns in your next relationship.
Key Takeaways
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Divorce impacts not just you, but your children and future generations.
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Infidelity isn’t only about affairs—it includes any outside influence that takes loyalty away from your spouse.
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Toxic friends, biased counselors, or peers can derail healing.
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Seal the exits: remove outside distractions and focus on repairing the relationship.
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Even if the marriage ends, doing the inner work ensures you won’t repeat the same patterns.
Sources
Footnotes
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Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666. ↩
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Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387. ↩
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Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge. ↩
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony. ↩
