If you feel like you’re the only one fighting for your marriage, you might wonder: Is there even a point in trying?
The short answer is yes. Research shows that change initiated by one partner can alter the dynamics of a relationship, sometimes motivating the other partner to re-engage1. While having both spouses work together is ideal, it’s possible to create meaningful shifts on your own.
Why One Partner’s Efforts Still Matter
Even when one spouse resists counseling or change, altering your own behavior, tone, and mindset can reduce conflict and create emotional safety2. These small but consistent changes can help interrupt negative cycles, increase trust, and pave the way for eventual collaboration.
4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage by Yourself
Step 1: Know that one person can spark change.
Relationship systems theory shows that if one part of the system changes, the whole system must adapt3.
Step 2: Help your spouse feel safer, heard, and important.
Safety is the foundation of healthy attachment4. When your partner feels less judged, they are more likely to open up.
Step 3: Shift your mindset about blame.
Blaming escalates defensiveness, while ownership fosters mutual respect5.
Step 4: Take ownership of your role.
Self-reflection and accountability are associated with greater relationship satisfaction6.
Our Approach for the Lone Ranger Spouse
The 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage Guided Journey to Lasting Love is amazing for those working on the marriage even when there is only one trying.
It will teach you:
- Why you are experiencing difficulties in your marriage
- How to approach those challenges
- Provide practice tools that you can implement on a daily basis
- Although you may feel like you’re the only one trying to save your marriage, you need to learn how to do it in a more effective way so that you actually get the result you are looking for.
- Enjoy the results of a renewed mindset and newly accepted personal responsibility on your part to be the change that you want to see in your marriage. It’s the easier way to begin seeing the results that you want to see in your marriage, without having to nag or blame or feel hopeless.
How to Bring Up Couples Therapy to a Resistant Partner
Suggesting therapy can be tricky. If done without care, it can be perceived as criticism or proof the relationship is “in trouble.” Here are two example scripts:
Script 1
“Honey, I realize that I haven’t been the greatest spouse to you—I know I’m not the best x, y, z (listener, reliable, etc.). I know I’m difficult to live with. I’d like to be a better spouse and I need your help so I can meet your needs better. I found a program that I think could be helpful so that I can learn the skills I need to understand you better, work on my reactivity, and help meet your needs. Would you be open to hearing more about it?”
Script 2 (If Script 1 Doesn’t Work)
*“I understand that you’re not interested in getting help on our relationship, or you’re just done (tailor this to your particular situation). I still feel it would be helpful for us to get clarity moving forward so that we can make a conscious choice instead of just leaving because it’s too hurtful.
It doesn’t mean we have to stay together—we can walk away without bitterness or anger, and with clarity about what went wrong and the role we both played, so we don’t repeat it in the future.
(If you have children) Even if we end our marriage, we will always be in relationship because of the kids, and for their sake, it’s important that we learn to work together without resentment.
I think this program will teach us skills to get beyond some of our differences and work better together, as well as learn to communicate without hurting each other.”*
Why These Scripts Work
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They start with ownership, which reduces defensiveness7.
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They frame counseling as growth8.
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They allow for multiple outcomes (stay together or part respectfully), which can reduce pressure and resistance9.
Key Takeaways
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You can create change alone. One partner’s consistent efforts can disrupt unhealthy cycles.
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Emotional safety is key. People open up when they feel safe, heard, and valued.
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Avoid blame. Ownership of your own role fosters respect and connection.
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Gentle, honest scripts help. The way you invite your partner to counseling can determine whether they agree to attend.
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Closure can lead to reconnection. Even therapy framed as “conscious uncoupling” can reignite a willingness to stay together.
Sources
Footnotes
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Christensen, A., & Jacobson, N. S. (2000). Reconcilable Differences. Guilford Press. ↩
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Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. ↩
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Nichols, M. P., & Davis, S. D. (2020). Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Pearson. ↩
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Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark. ↩
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Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass. ↩
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Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Of memes and marriage: Toward a positive relationship science. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2(1), 4-24. ↩
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Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2000). The use of forgiveness in marital therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(3), 294–310. ↩
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Baucom, D. H., et al. (2015). Cognitive-behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(4), 426–441. ↩
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Fisher, H., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2006). Romantic love: A mammalian brain system for mate choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 361(1476), 2173–2186. ↩
More inspiration on Saving a Marriage Alone
- 4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage All By Yourself: When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested
- How can I fix my marriage by myself?
- I want my wife back. How can I win her back and stop divorce?
- Imago Therapy Worksheets, Books & Exercises
- 10 Steps to Winning Your Spouse Back challenge.
- Wondering how to bring up the idea of couples therapy to a resistant partner?
- Coming to a marriage retreat together
