A healthy marriage is a safe haven. It’s a place where partners can discuss important and often difficult topics with honesty and confidence.
But when you and your partner disagree about something as polarizing as the COVID-19 or flu vaccine, the conversation can quickly spiral into unproductive arguments. Many couples have faced this challenge during the pandemic and beyond.1
If you and your spouse disagree about vaccines, here are three research-backed strategies to promote healthier, more respectful discussions:
| ❌ What Not to Do | ✅ What to Try Instead |
|---|---|
| Dismiss your spouse’s concerns (“That’s dumb”) | Ask with curiosity: “Can you help me understand what worries you most?” |
| Argue about who has the “better” information | Explore neutral, trusted sources together (e.g., a doctor you both respect) |
| Start the conversation in the heat of conflict | Choose a calm time and agree to pause if emotions escalate |
| Belittle or shame your spouse | Validate feelings, even if you don’t agree (“I can see why you’d feel concerned…”) |
| Demand immediate agreement | Allow space and time—sometimes agreeing to disagree respectfully is healthiest |
1. Lead with Curiosity
Seek to understand your partner’s beliefs, biases, concerns, and personal experiences. According to relationship research, curiosity and active listening are essential to de-escalating conflict and fostering empathy.2
How to practice this:
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Listen without interrupting and reflect back what you hear.
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Ask clarifying questions only after you’ve fully heard them out.
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Suspend judgment—curiosity does not mean agreement.
By showing genuine interest, you create a safe environment where both of you can explore the topic openly, without fear of ridicule or dismissal.
2. Explore Each Other’s Resources (And Find New Ones Together)
This pandemic has been rife with conflicting and misleading information. As you navigate the topic of COVID-19 vaccines, it’s important to seek out reliable sources from which you can make informed decisions.
Share your resources with each other and seek out new ones together. If you’re not sure where to look, consider asking your healthcare providers, spiritual advisors, or other people you both trust and respect for guidance. This gives you common ground from which you can draw your own conclusions.
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3. Stay Respectful—Always
Disrespect in difficult conversations breeds contempt, which John Gottman’s research has shown to be one of the strongest predictors of divorce.4
Ways to keep respect at the center:
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Ensure you’re both calm before starting the conversation.
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Watch your tone and body language.
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Stay on topic and avoid bringing in unrelated grievances.
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Absolutely no name-calling, insults, or attacks on character.
If either of you feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause. You can return later when you’re both more regulated. And sometimes, agreeing to disagree—while maintaining mutual respect—is the healthiest option.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: What if my spouse refuses to even talk about vaccines?
A: Start small. Instead of forcing a debate, try opening with curiosity: “Can you help me understand what worries you most?” Sometimes simply showing you’re willing to listen lowers defenses and encourages future conversations.
Q: How do I stop the conversation from turning into a fight?
A: Timing and tone matter. Don’t start the discussion when either of you is stressed or tired. Use calm, neutral language, and agree ahead of time to pause if the conversation gets heated.
Q: What if we read completely different sources and don’t trust each other’s information?
A: That’s common. Rather than arguing over who is “right,” suggest exploring one or two new, neutral sources together—like a healthcare provider you both trust. This builds common ground.
Q: Can we agree to disagree and still have a healthy marriage?
A: Yes. Many couples thrive despite holding different views. The key is respect. As long as neither partner belittles the other, agreeing to disagree while maintaining love and support can preserve the relationship.
Q: Should we bring in a therapist to help with vaccine disagreements?
A: If the issue is causing ongoing tension or mistrust, a couples therapist can provide a safe structure for the conversation. Therapy isn’t about convincing one side to change, but about teaching respectful communication and maintaining intimacy in the face of disagreement.
Key Takeaways
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Vaccine disagreements in marriage are common and can be navigated respectfully.
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Leading with curiosity helps foster empathy and openness.
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Exploring trusted resources together builds common ground.
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Respectful communication is non-negotiable—contempt erodes intimacy.
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If needed, it’s okay to pause or agree to disagree to preserve the relationship.
Sources
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Pew Research Center. (2021). Growing partisan divide over COVID-19 vaccine rollout. ↩
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Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships. Wiley. ↩
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony. ↩
