How to Discuss Vaccines When You and Your Spouse Disagree

A healthy marriage is a safe haven. It’s a place where partners can discuss important and often difficult topics with honesty and confidence.

But when you and your partner disagree about something as polarizing as the COVID-19 or flu vaccine, the conversation can quickly spiral into unproductive arguments. Many couples have faced this challenge during the pandemic and beyond.¹

If you and your spouse disagree about vaccines, here are three research-backed strategies to promote healthier, more respectful discussions:

1. Lead with Curiosity

Seek to understand your partner’s beliefs, biases, concerns, and personal experiences. According to relationship research, curiosity and active listening are essential to de-escalating conflict and fostering empathy.²

How to practice this:

• Listen without interrupting and reflect back what you hear.

• Ask clarifying questions only after you’ve fully heard them out.

• Suspend judgment—curiosity does not mean agreement.

By showing genuine interest, you create a safe environment where both of you can explore the topic openly, without fear of ridicule or dismissal.

2. Explore Each Other’s Resources (And Find New Ones Together)

This pandemic has been rife with conflicting and misleading information. As you navigate the topic of COVID-19 vaccines, it’s important to seek out reliable sources from which you can make informed decisions.

Share your resources with each other and seek out new ones together. If you’re not sure where to look, consider asking your healthcare providers, spiritual advisors, or other people you both trust and respect for guidance. This gives you common ground from which you can draw your own conclusions.

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3. Stay Respectful—Always

Disrespect in difficult conversations breeds contempt, which John Gottman’s research has shown to be one of the strongest predictors of divorce.⁴

Ways to keep respect at the center:

• Ensure you’re both calm before starting the conversation.

• Watch your tone and body language.

• Stay on topic and avoid bringing in unrelated grievances.

• Absolutely no name-calling, insults, or attacks on character.

If either of you feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause. You can return later when you’re both more regulated. And sometimes, agreeing to disagree—while maintaining mutual respect—is the healthiest option.

Key Takeaways

• Vaccine disagreements in marriage are common and can be navigated respectfully.

• Leading with curiosity helps foster empathy and openness.

• Exploring trusted resources together builds common ground.

• Respectful communication is non-negotiable—contempt erodes intimacy.

• If needed, it’s okay to pause or agree to disagree to preserve the relationship.

Sources

• Pew Research Center. (2021). Growing partisan divide over COVID-19 vaccine rollout. ↩

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships. Wiley. ↩

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony. ↩