(And Why That Might Not Mean What You Think)
By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC – Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor & Certified Imago Relationship Therapist
Co-Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project
When You Can’t Shake the Feeling Something’s Wrong
Are you lying awake at night wondering if you married the wrong person?
It’s a terrifying thought — especially after years of commitment, maybe children, a shared home, and countless memories. You might feel confused: “We had such a strong connection in the beginning. What happened? How did we get here?”
If you’ve found yourself thinking this way, you’re not alone. Many couples reach a point in their marriage where frustration, disappointment, or emotional distance makes them question whether they chose the right partner.
But before you assume you’ve made a mistake, it’s important to understand why this feeling arises — and what it’s really trying to tell you.
The Science of “Falling Out of Love”
In the beginning, everything feels effortless. You can’t get enough of each other. You say things like:
“I feel like I’ve always known you.”
“You complete me.”
“I can’t live without you.”
That stage is called romantic love, and it’s chemically driven. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine flood your brain, making you feel euphoric, fearless, and bonded.
But romantic love isn’t designed to last forever. It’s nature’s anesthesia — a biological trick to help us commit. Once those chemicals fade, we begin to see our partner’s flaws more clearly. That’s when many couples start thinking, “Did I marry the wrong person?”
The Power Struggle: When Love Gets Hard
Once the honeymoon phase fades, couples enter what Imago therapists call the power struggle.
You might feel:
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Frustrated that your partner “changed”
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Unseen, unheard, or emotionally disconnected
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Angry or resentful about unmet needs
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Trapped between staying miserable or leaving
It’s easy to assume something’s broken — or that you picked the wrong spouse. But in reality, this stage is a normal and necessary part of long-term love.
Why We’re Drawn to the “Wrong” Person
It’s not an accident that your partner triggers your deepest frustrations. In fact, they were meant to.
According to Imago Relationship Therapy, we unconsciously choose partners who mirror our early childhood experiences — both the nurturing and the painful parts. The goal isn’t to torture us, but to offer a chance to heal.
If you grew up feeling ignored, for instance, you might marry someone emotionally distant. Not because you want neglect — but because your psyche is trying to resolve that old wound.
Marriage becomes the unfinished business of childhood.
Your partner’s behaviors push your buttons because they were installed long ago. Once you realize that, you can start healing instead of blaming.
What If You Married the “Wrong” Person — On Purpose?
Here’s the paradox:
You probably did marry the wrong person — at least the wrong person for staying comfortable.
But they might be the right person for your growth.
Conflict isn’t proof of incompatibility; it’s an invitation to grow. When you learn to see arguments as opportunities to understand each other’s pain, you turn resentment into empathy — and emotional distance into connection.
How to Move Forward When You’re Unsure
If you’re questioning your marriage, don’t rush toward guilt or divorce. Start by getting curious:
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Pause the blame. Recognize that your spouse isn’t your enemy — they’re your mirror.
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Learn how to communicate with No Blame, No Shame. This structured way of communicating helps couples speak without attacking and listen without defending.
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Seek specialized help. Not all therapists are trained in couples work. Look for Imago professionals who can help you both safely unpack what’s underneath the conflict.
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Consider a Marriage Intensive. At The Marriage Restoration Project, our two-day private intensives help couples move from hopeless to reconnected — often achieving breakthroughs that can take months in weekly counseling.
Key Takeaways
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Feeling like you married the wrong person is common — and not necessarily a sign you did.
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Romantic love is temporary; deeper connection comes after the chemicals fade.
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The power struggle is a normal stage in every marriage, not a personal failure.
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You’re often drawn to a partner who mirrors childhood experiences so healing can occur.
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With awareness and support, conflict can become the pathway to greater intimacy and understanding.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I know if I really married the wrong person?
If your relationship is emotionally painful or distant, it doesn’t automatically mean you chose the wrong person. It might mean your relationship has entered a growth phase. Before making big decisions, explore what each conflict might be teaching you about your needs and patterns.
2. Why does my spouse push my buttons so much?
Because they activate unfinished emotional business from childhood — feelings of not being seen, valued, or safe. Understanding these triggers helps you respond with empathy instead of blame.
3. Can you fix a marriage if you think you picked wrong?
Yes. With the right support, many couples who were on the brink of separation rediscover love and safety. Imago-based intensives are especially effective because they provide time and structure to rebuild connection.
4. What if my partner won’t go to therapy?
Start by changing how you engage. Even one partner shifting from blame to curiosity can alter the dynamic. Once your spouse feels safe rather than criticized, they’re more likely to join the process.
5. How can therapy help if I’ve already fallen out of love?
Therapy can help uncover what shut love down. Often it’s not that love disappeared — it’s buried under years of pain, misunderstanding, and disconnection. With guidance, couples can reignite emotional safety and closeness.
Sources
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Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2019). Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space Between: A Clinician’s Guide. Routledge.
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Johnson, S. M. (2019). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
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Fraenkel, P., & Cho, W. (2022). The Relationship Paradigm Shift: Moving from Blame to Collaboration. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy.
