The holidays can be magical—but they can also be stressful, especially when extended family is involved. Whether it’s juggling multiple family traditions, managing tension between relatives, or trying to keep your in-laws happy, it’s no wonder so many couples search for advice on how to survive family gatherings without losing their sanity.
The good news? With the right mindset, boundaries, and communication, you can get through the season feeling more connected to your partner—not less.
Here are our best therapist-approved strategies for navigating extended family during the holidays.
1. Be Realistic with Your Expectations
One of the biggest sources of stress comes from expecting everything to be perfect. The reality? Family gatherings often come with:
- Different personalities and values
- Old family patterns resurfacing
- Sensitive topics (politics, parenting, religion)
Instead of hoping for a conflict-free holiday, level-set expectations:
- If disagreements have happened in the past, anticipate they may come up again.
- If your worries are unlikely (like a cousin starting a political debate when they never have), let those go so you don’t waste energy.
Tip: Share your expectations with your partner so you’re both prepared for possible challenges.
2. Make a Plan in Advance
One of the most common stressors between couples during the holidays is where to spend celebrations. Avoid last-minute fights by:
- Talking with your spouse well before the season begins.
- Deciding together how to balance both families’ traditions.
- Communicating your plan early to extended family to reduce pressure.
💡 Relationship tip: Use tools from Imago Therapy—approach the conversation with curiosity. Instead of arguing over “my family vs. your family,” ask why certain traditions matter and listen to each other’s needs. This creates connection even in conflict.
3. Set (and Keep) Boundaries with Toxic Family Members
Boundaries are your best friend during the holidays. Remember: you don’t owe everyone unlimited access to your time.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
- Politely but firmly saying no to last-minute changes.
- Limiting time with relatives who are consistently draining or disrespectful.
- Telling family: “We love you, but we’ll be spending this holiday at home this year.”
And yes—boundaries may be tested. From guilt trips (“But we’ve always done it this way!”) to surprise drop-ins, family members may push back. Stay firm, respectful, and consistent. Protecting your peace is worth it.
4. Don’t Stress to Impress
Hosting your in-laws can make anyone feel pressure to perform. But remember:
- A spotless house won’t matter if everyone is tense.
- Your children won’t remember a perfect dinner table—they’ll remember whether home felt calm or stressful.
Choose warmth and authenticity over perfection. A joyful, relaxed environment will impress far more than Pinterest-worthy décor.
5. Remember You’re on the Same Team
Holiday stress often spills over into conflict with your spouse. Maybe they’re not stressed and don’t “get it,” or they’re not helping with what overwhelms you.
Pause and remind yourselves: You’re a team.
- Talk openly about what worries you before family gatherings.
- Create signals so you can support each other during tense moments.
- Check in with each other throughout events.
When you enter family gatherings as a united front, you’ll feel more supported and less alone.
👉 If holiday stress consistently creates fights in your marriage, consider a weekend couples therapy retreat to reset and strengthen your connection before the season begins.
6. Don’t Forget Self-Care
Yes, the holidays are about giving—but not at the expense of your health. Protect your mental and emotional energy by:
- Taking short breaks (a walk outside, a quiet cup of coffee).
- Scheduling downtime between events.
- Prioritizing sleep, exercise, and alone time with your partner.
The more grounded you feel, the more you can enjoy (and manage) extended family time.
Key Takeaways
- Expect some tension—not everything will be “holly and jolly.”
- Plan ahead with your partner about where and how to spend the holidays.
- Set and stick to boundaries to protect your peace.
- Don’t stress to impress—focus on connection, not perfection.
- Stay united with your spouse—remember you’re on the same team.
- Practice self-care so you can enjoy the season instead of just surviving it.
With preparation and teamwork, you can navigate extended family dynamics without losing the joy of the holidays.
Frequently Asked Questions About Family & Holiday Stress
1. How do I set boundaries with in-laws during the holidays?
Start by being clear and respectful. For example: “We’d love to celebrate with you, but we’re keeping Christmas morning just for our immediate family.” The key is consistency—once you’ve communicated your boundary, stick to it even if relatives push back.
2. What if my spouse always sides with their family?
This is a common source of conflict. Before gatherings, talk privately about what support looks like for you. Agree on signals you can use during stressful moments and decide together how to handle conflict as a united front. If this is a repeating pattern, couples counseling (or a marriage retreat) can help you and your partner get on the same page.
3. How do I avoid fights with extended family during holiday meals?
A few simple strategies:
- Steer clear of sensitive topics like politics, religion, or parenting unless everyone is comfortable.
- If tension rises, change the subject or suggest a quick break.
- Remember you can excuse yourself politely: “I’m going to grab some fresh air—be right back.”
4. Can couples therapy help with family-related holiday stress?
Yes. Many couples struggle with in-laws, boundaries, and holiday obligations. Therapy provides a safe space to talk through traditions, set healthy boundaries, and reduce resentment. Intensive couples retreats can be especially effective if holidays bring up long-standing family conflicts.
5. How do I stay calm and not take family drama personally?
Focus on what you can control: your reactions. Take breaks when needed, practice self-care, and remind yourself you’re not responsible for fixing everyone else’s issues. Protecting your peace is a form of protecting your marriage.
Sources
American Psychological Association (APA). Managing Stress for a Healthy Holiday Season. https://www.apa.org/topics/holiday-stress
Gottman Institute. Managing Conflict with Extended Family. https://www.gottman.com
Imago Relationships International. Tools for Creating Connection During Conflict. https://imagorelationships.org
Pietromonaco, P. R., & Beck, L. A. (2019). Attachment Processes in Adult Romantic Relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 541–566.
Psychology Today. Setting Boundaries with Family During the Holidays. https://www.psychologytoday.com
