With the end of the year quickly approaching, it’s about time for the family gatherings to begin. From cozy holiday get-togethers to fantastically festive parties, there’s a lot to both look forward to and dread in the season ahead. This is especially true if you and/or your partner come from large families that typically get together during the holiday season.
But while coming together to enjoy the spirit of the season, good food, and holiday-themed activities can seem like a fun and exciting idea in theory, the truth of the matter is that this season can bring with it arguments, frustration, and old-fashioned family fights. After all, with so many different people getting together that you likely only see a few times per year, you’re bound to have a mix of personalities, philosophies, and perspectives all blended together under one roof.
If you’re planning and dreading the holiday season ahead due to potential issues with you or your partner’s extended family, we’re happy to help ease your worries. We’ve put together some of our best tips and advice to help you, your partner, and the rest of your immediate family coast through the holidays in festive style. Keep reading to discover more.
Be Realistic with Your Expectations
Arguably one of the most important pieces of advice when dealing with your extended family at the holidays is to just be super realistic with what you expect. Don’t go into the season thinking that everything will be holly and jolly, with no arguments and no snafus along the way. Take your past experiences with your family into consideration and use that information to help level-set what you expect to happen.
On the other side of the coin, it’s also important to remember that you could be making yourself anxious over worrying about arguments and confrontations that just won’t happen. For example, if you’re worried that one of your cousins will blow up at another over stark political differences, but they historically get along at family gatherings and don’t bring up these topics, you may be wasting your own emotions and energy on a situation that won’t come up. On the other hand, if these are regular occurrences, it would be best to expect something like this to happen and have a plan if you or your partner are somehow caught in the middle.
Make a Plan Well in Advance
One of the most common arguments between couples and blended families during the holiday season is where the family will spend their celebrations. Should it be at home with just the immediate family or with one partner’s side of the family? But what about the other side of the family? This discussion should happen well in advance between couples in order to alleviate any stress and anxiety when the celebrations begin. This plan can then be communicated out to respective family members in order to ensure that everyone is aware of what will be happening and is less stressed when the days of celebration finally arrive.
To combat this common occurrence, some couples work with IMAGO Therapy principles to talk more together on how to best overcome this holiday season hurdle, approaching it with curiosity. Talking with your wife about why certain traditions are important to you or hearing out your husband when he shares where he prefers to spend the holidays can keep you connected even around potential conflict that often arises around this time of year.
Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members and Keep Them
While the holidays may be a great time to spend with family, it’s important to remember that you don’t necessarily owe anyone your time. Set boundaries at the beginning of the season, and make sure to stick to them. This is especially important if you or your partner are individuals who tend to get stressed out by the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Boundaries will help set expectations and minimize stress throughout the season.
Let your parents or other family members know early on that you appreciate their input and that you and your spouse are adults and will decide what you want for your family. If you can articulate your feelings in a safe manner with love and respect, your parents will most likely understand. Unfortunately, we all know of parents who have a hard time respecting boundaries. In those cases, you may need to be a little more firm until they get the message.
Unfortunately, family members love to test boundaries and see how far they can go, whether it’s a guilt trip from a parent over missing the traditional family caroling trip or a sibling showing up unannounced at a private holiday dinner at home with just your partner and children. With so many different people under one roof, heated discussions and arguments around sensitive topics like politics and religion are bound to happen. Protect your space and the space of your family with the right set of boundaries and then actively work to enforce them.
Don’t Stress to Impress
When hosting in-laws for the holiday season, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the stress of making your home perfect for their visit. And while it is praiseworthy to honor your in-laws and make them feel welcome, this can be a great source of anxiety for so many of us. If you find yourself getting stressed out and screaming at your spouse or your kids every time your in-laws come over, no one is going to have fun during the visit, so what is the point? Your calm and happy home will impress your in-laws much more than your spotless house or Martha Stewart entertaining. Plenty of children grow up to resent having their grandparents come to visit because of the tension it creates in their home.
Remember That You’re on the Same Team
When experiencing the high levels of stress that so often come with the holiday season, it’s easy to get frustrated and upset with your partner. This is especially true in cases where they aren’t stressed out by the holidays or are just not assisting with managing what is causing you high levels of stress. Take a moment to step back from the situation and remember – you’re both on the same team. Couples need to work together to support one another and stay connected to minimize anxiety – which is where things often break down. We cannot stress the importance enough of having a good working relationship with your spouse and making moments to connect and remind each other of your importance to one another. Have an open dialogue with each other about your fears and expectations for potential holiday encounters. This will give you the opportunity to discuss strategies to deal with potential conflict. You can also be more in tune with each other and notice if one of you is feeling uncomfortable. When you prepare ahead of time and form a united front, you’ll be much better at dealing with your in-laws. While in the past, these occasions have contributed to more stress in their marriage, you now can weather them successfully because you were on the same page going in.
If you’re feeling frustrated or upset by your partner during the holidays, make sure to take the time to discuss how you’re feeling with them. They may not be aware that they are contributing to your stress or anxiety and can help address the issue with you as a team. Your partner is there to support you, through thick and thin, and may not realize that they are part of the problem until you say something. For those who are really experiencing a high level of stress from their partner leading up to the holiday season, a quick weekend marriage counseling retreat or couples therapy retreat vacation might just be what they need to get back on track before the festivities truly begin.
Take Some Time for Self-Care
With how stressful the holiday season can be, it’s always important to take a second to remember to take care of yourself. Whether this is taking 30 minutes in the morning to enjoy a hot cup of coffee in silence or taking a long, hot shower after a day spent out with the family, a quick moment of self-care can help alleviate stress and keep you feeling energized throughout the rest of the holiday season. While this may be the season of giving, it’s equally as important to give back to yourself and keep your mental health and wellness, as well as that of your partner, top of mind.
While there is so much beauty and wonder in the holiday season, it can also bring with it plenty of stress and anxiety. This is especially true when dealing with extended family during holiday celebrations and get-togethers. By being realistic with your expectations, setting boundaries (and sticking to them!), reminding one another that you’re on the same team, and taking the time for self-care, you and your partner can be set up for success and a joyful holiday season.
