In 2017, I published a post titled “How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage.”
It caused a stir — and for good reason.
I received plenty of “hate mail” from fellow therapists who were offended that I dared to question traditional therapy methods.
But something else happened too. My phone began ringing off the hook with people saying, “That happened to me too.”
Have you ever walked out of marriage counseling feeling worse than when you went in?
If so, you’re not alone. Many couples ask, “Why did marriage therapy fail us?” after investing months (or even years) in counseling that didn’t save their relationship.
In fact, some people say couples therapy made things worse—fueling resentment instead of healing it. Others share marriage counseling failure stories about sessions that left them hopeless, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected.
As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist, I’ve seen this heartbreaking pattern firsthand—and I’ve also seen what finally works.
When Therapy Breaks Marriages Instead of Healing Them
Some of the stories I heard were shocking.
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Spouses who came home from therapy ready to file for divorce.
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Clients who became emotionally enmeshed with their therapist.
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And yes, even people whose spouse ran off with the therapist.
These aren’t isolated cases — they’re symptoms of a deeper problem:
Too many professionals working with couples aren’t trained in relational therapy or grounded in a clear ethical framework that prioritizes the sanctity of the marriage.
The Ethics of Couples Therapy: Why I Created a CEU Class
These stories inspired me to create a Continuing Education (CEU) course for therapists called Ethics of Couples Therapy.
The goal:
To help marriage counselors examine their own biases about marriage, understand the sacred trust clients place in them, and wield that power responsibly.
Because when a therapist — or clergy member, friend, or family advisor — tells a struggling spouse “you should just leave,” it can destroy an entire family system.
That’s not therapy. That’s negligence.
It’s Not Just Therapists — It’s Our Culture
This problem extends far beyond the therapy room.
In my Jewish community (and across all faiths), I hear this refrain again and again:
“My rabbi, therapist, or best friend told me I should get divorced because my spouse is abusive.”
Now, let’s be clear — true abuse requires immediate protection and professional intervention.
But too often, this label is applied hastily, without observing the couple together or understanding the relational dynamic.
We’ve become a culture that cancels people instead of confronting pain.
Which leads to the bigger question:
Do We Still Believe in Marriage?
We live in an age where therapy is no longer taboo — and that’s a beautiful thing. But have we replaced discernment with diagnosis?
Have we lost faith in the institution that once held families together through hardship, growth, and grace?
The DSM vs. Discernment
Here’s a truth most families don’t realize:
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) — often called the “bible” of therapy — changes constantly.
Take sex addiction, for example. It was reclassified, reframed, and in some ways, erased.
Did sex addiction suddenly stop existing?
Or did culture simply decide that certain behaviors — like pornography use or “ethical non-monogamy” — were no longer problematic?
When the guidebook changes to match the culture, who’s left to uphold timeless principles?
As a person of faith, I believe our moral compass must be anchored in something unchanging — not in a publication that shifts with public opinion.
If You Hold Power Over a Family’s Future — Use It Wisely
If you’re a therapist, clergy member, coach, or even a well-meaning friend:
Please understand the influence your words carry.
You can hold hope for a couple when they’ve forgotten how.
Or you can — with one misplaced comment — plant the seed of hopelessness that leads to divorce.
Before advising anyone to separate, make sure you’ve learned what’s truly available to help them heal.
Why Did Marriage Therapy Fail Us? Here’s the Real Reason
If your marriage therapy failed, it likely wasn’t because you didn’t try hard enough.
It’s because the method didn’t match your mission.
You went in wanting connection, safety, and healing.
But the therapy model may have been built around separation, diagnosis, or self-focus instead of repair.
Couples need a structure that keeps both partners emotionally safe, accountable, and hopeful. Without that, therapy can unintentionally plant the seeds of doubt and distance.
Why I Believe in Marriage — and in Imago Therapy
I always recommend Imago Relationship Therapy, not because it’s trendy, but because it saved my own marriage.
It’s the only modality I’ve seen that truly honors both partners and the sacred bond between them.
Imago teaches that:
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We are born in relationship.
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We are wounded in relationship.
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And we are healed through relationship.
It’s not about “canceling” someone for being “toxic.”
It’s not about separation or endless diagnoses.
It’s about infusing the Divine into your connection and remembering that marriage is a living, spiritual bond — one that can withstand whatever life throws at it when tended with compassion and consciousness.
If You Still Believe in Marriage, There’s a Path Forward
If you’ve lost faith in counseling or worry your therapist may have hurt more than helped, you’re not alone — and there’s hope.
Explore Imago-based programs that restore safety, respect, and sacredness to your relationship:
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Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat + Follow-Up Sessions — private, accelerated healing for couples in crisis.
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Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop — group weekend to rebuild empathy and connection.
If you’re a therapist or clergy member who works with couples, I invite you to reach out and learn more about our Ethics of Couples Therapy CEU Course. You can make a world of difference in how couples experience hope.
How to Choose a Marriage Counselor That Actually Helps
If you’re ready to try again—but smarter this time—here’s what to look for:
✅ Specialized training – Ask: “What is your formal training in couples therapy (Imago, EFT, Gottman, etc.)?”
✅ Relational focus – Look for a therapist who sees the relationship as the client, not one partner.
✅ Structured process – Safe, guided dialogue—not open-ended venting—should be the core of your sessions.
✅ Hope-centered philosophy – Choose a professional who believes most marriages can heal with the right tools.
If your first experience with therapy left you discouraged, don’t give up. You probably just need the right map and guide.
Key Takeaways
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Too many therapists see couples without training in relational ethics.
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Diagnosing one partner can destroy trust and hope.
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The DSM shifts with culture — but sacred relationships require moral consistency.
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Imago therapy restores connection by healing through the relationship itself.
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Believing in marriage doesn’t mean tolerating harm — it means holding hope for healing when both partners are safe and willing.
About the Author
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor • Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist • Co-Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project
For over two decades, I’ve helped couples repair their marriages through Imago-based intensives, workshops, and online programs. As both a therapist and someone whose own marriage was transformed through this process, I remain devoted to one guiding belief: when two people are safe, willing, and supported, healing is always possible.
FAQ: On Marriage, Therapy, and Hope
Q: What if my therapist suggested divorce after only a few sessions?
That’s a red flag. Therapy should prioritize safety and repair. Seek a therapist trained in a relational model like Imago or EFT.
Q: How can I tell if my therapist supports marriage?
Ask: “Do you believe all marriages can be saved?” Their answer reveals a lot. Look for humility, hope, and a focus on reconnection.
Q: Are you saying couples should never divorce?
No. If there’s abuse or persistent unwillingness to repair, separation may be necessary. But most marriages end not from abuse — but from disconnection that can be healed.
Q: What makes Imago therapy different?
It teaches couples to listen without blame, connect beyond ego, and use conflict as a guide to growth — not a signal to give up.
Sources
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Slatkin, S. (2017). How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage.
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Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
