The idea of being married but living apart is gaining traction. Major publications, including The New York Times, have spotlighted couples who choose to maintain separate homes while staying in committed relationships .
On the surface, this arrangement can sound appealing—less friction, fewer arguments over chores, and a chance to keep things “sizzly” without the grind of daily domestic life. As NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg explains, separate spaces can “protect against the constant churning in people’s domestic lives” .
But from our professional experience working with couples, living apart while married often functions more like a slow breakup in marriage than a path to lasting closeness.
Why Some Couples Choose to Live Apart
-
Reduced conflict: Avoiding day-to-day arguments about chores, bills, or schedules .
-
Personal independence: A sense of freedom, especially for couples who married later in life.
-
Lifestyle preferences: Particularly common in cities where space is scarce and individuality is prized .
While these reasons are understandable, they often reflect an attempt to sidestep the very growth opportunities marriage is designed to bring.
The Hidden Cost of Living Apart
Marriage is not just about comfort—it’s about growth through “otherhood.”
Living together challenges us to:
-
Move beyond self-absorption.
-
Compromise when things don’t go our way.
-
Stretch, adapt, and grow into more complete people.
The issues our spouse brings to the surface are often exactly what we need to confront in order to become more balanced. By living apart, couples may temporarily avoid conflict, but they also miss out on the transformation that comes from working through those conflicts together .
Why Closeness Matters
Even couples we’ve worked with who began living separately eventually longed to share a home. Why? Because:
-
Home is comfort: Having someone there when you’re sick or struggling provides deep reassurance.
-
Shared lives create unity: Marriage is meant to foster oneness, not parallel existences .
-
Closeness builds resilience: Working through daily challenges together creates the intimacy that keeps marriages strong.
Sure, it’s easier to maintain separate households—especially if no children are involved. But easier doesn’t always mean healthier.
Our Perspective
At The Marriage Restoration Project, we believe marriage works best when couples live, love, and grow under the same roof. That’s why in Step 1 and Step 4 of our 5-Step Marriage Counseling Plan, we teach how to move from self-protection into true connection.
When given the right tools, the conflicts that seem unbearable can actually become the glue that holds your relationship together.
So if you find yourself tempted by the “comfort zone” of married living apart, remind yourself:
-
The real reward of marriage is not in avoiding conflict but in working through it.
-
Living together—with all its challenges—offers deeper fulfillment than living apart.
FAQs About Living Apart While Married
Can living apart save a marriage?
Sometimes couples believe physical space will ease tension. While it may reduce immediate conflict, our experience shows it rarely creates lasting intimacy. Healing comes from learning to work through conflict, not around it.
Why do some couples prefer separate homes?
Often it’s about independence, career convenience, or avoiding daily stressors . However, most couples we’ve seen eventually yearn for the closeness that comes from sharing a life together.
Is living apart better than divorce?
For some, it feels like a compromise. But it can also prolong unresolved issues. Without addressing the deeper problems, separation of households can function more like a “trial breakup” than a solution .
What about couples with children?
Children often benefit from seeing parents work through challenges under one roof. Living apart can reduce stability and make family dynamics more complex.
Key Takeaway: Married living apart may offer temporary relief, but it risks robbing you of the closeness, growth, and resilience that true partnership brings. With the right support and tools, living together can become more fulfilling than you ever imagined.
Sources
New York Times, Living Apart Together, Real Estate Section.
Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
