5 Ways You Might be Undermining Your Marriage Without Even Realizing It

As spouses, we sometimes do seemingly innocuous things that end up being much more harmful to our marriage than we realize, especially if we do them repeatedly over time.

In other instances, what might look like “normal” behaviors can actually be a warning sign of underlying distress within the relationship.

To keep the allegorical “slowly boiling frog” out of your marriage—in which you fail to notice the gradually increasing levels of damage until it’s reached the point of no return—it’s helpful to be aware of common ways that spouses (often unknowingly) undermine their relationships. Becoming more aware of these actions, and others like them, can help you sustain a healthy bond with your spouse.

Here are five to look out for.

1. Complaining About Your Spouse to Others

Some people use grievances with their spouses as social currency, as if whomever among a group of friends has the most exasperating spouse “wins.”

The truth is, there’s a difference between confiding in a trusted loved one and complaining just to complain. Always speaking negatively about your spouse, even in jest, can color your perception of your marriage and slowly erode the trust between you (especially if your spouse hears through the grapevine the things you’ve said).

So, the next time you’re with friends who are all airing their grievances, dare to be different: switch out a complaint for a compliment. Observe how it makes you feel or how it shifts the mood.

2. Being On Your Phone Too Much

Cell phones, social media, and the internet can have a compulsive-like appeal to many of us. But constantly scrolling on your phone when you’re around your spouse is a huge form of disengagement.

This is true even when you’re just doing “passive” things together, like watching a movie or lying in bed at night. By sticking your nose in your phone, you’re essentially saying to your spouse that the phone is more important than they are.

It’s simple, even if difficult: put the phone down. Switch it to airplane mode. Leave it in another room. Be more present with each other. Make eye contact, listen, and communicate. You don’t have to give up your phone completely—just stop allowing it to overtake your spouse’s presence in your life.

3. Forgetting About The Little Things

“Little things” like doing a chore without asking, sending loving text messages “just because,” or bringing your loved one a snack or drink are like incremental deposits into your marriage. Over time, they really add up to something valuable!

The conscious decision to enrich your marriage through small, caring actions done often is one of the best ways to avoid undermining your relationship. Make it a game and see how many creative ways you can show you care.

4. Avoiding Conflict at the Expense of Authenticity

Do you frequently bite your tongue or not express a need to your spouse simply to avoid an argument? While this may “seem” good-intentioned, you’re essentially saying that it’s safer not to be yourself in your marriage. Careful: this can breed major resentment over time.

Of course, it’s healthy and worthwhile to be discerning about when to dig in and when to let go. But that doesn’t mean you need to abandon your needs and principles, either. Working with a marriage counselor can help you develop healthy skills and strategies to navigate conflict effectively.

5. Not Following Through

Imagine you have a friend who always shows up to things late or bails at the last minute. How long would it be before you stop inviting them to hang out?

Failing to follow through in your marriage leads to that same level of disconnection. Your spouse will learn not to trust you nor take you for your word, even if only subconsciously.

So, show up. Pay attention to the things you promise to your spouse—whether that’s a date later this week, a night of physical intimacy, or a Saturday morning to tackle a major household project—and do your absolute best to follow through. Even if something comes up, make sure to touch base and reschedule. This tells your partner that you respect their time and energy.

Hidden Ways Spouses Undermine Marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Why are “small things” like forgetting chores or loving gestures such a big deal in marriage?
Because trust and intimacy are built on consistency. Small, caring actions act like emotional “deposits” in the relationship bank. Over time, these small things create a sense of safety and connection that’s far more impactful than occasional grand gestures.

Q: Is it ever okay to complain about my spouse to others?
Confiding in a trusted friend or therapist for support is different from habitual complaining. Repeatedly speaking negatively about your spouse—especially in social settings—can shift your mindset, erode respect, and undermine trust if your spouse hears about it.

Q: My spouse is always on their phone—should I take it personally?
Not necessarily, but frequent “technoference” (technology interfering with presence) has been shown to lower relationship satisfaction. The key is setting healthy boundaries around device use and intentionally creating phone-free time together.

Q: Isn’t avoiding conflict better than constant fighting?
Avoiding conflict altogether can breed resentment and inauthenticity. What matters is how conflict is managed. Learning to express needs calmly and respectfully strengthens a marriage, while silence or withdrawal weakens it.

Q: What if my spouse never follows through on promises?
Repeated broken promises signal unreliability and slowly erode trust. Start by naming the impact (“When you cancel last minute, I feel unimportant”) and work on rebuilding consistency together. If it’s an ongoing issue, couples counseling can help.

Key Takeaways

• Seemingly harmless behaviors—like complaining, excessive phone use, neglecting small gestures, avoiding conflict, and not following through—can slowly erode trust and connection in a marriage.

• Healthy marriages are built on presence, intentional effort, open communication, and reliability.

• Small, consistent actions often matter more than grand gestures in sustaining intimacy and emotional safety.

• Recognizing and addressing these subtle undermining behaviors early can prevent deeper resentment and disconnection.

• Seeking support from a marriage counselor can help couples navigate conflict authentically and rebuild trust.

Sources

1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

   • Discusses how small daily interactions and follow-through on commitments affect marital stability.

2. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.

   • Explores the balance of connection and individuality in long-term relationships and how disengagement erodes intimacy.

3. McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98.

   • Provides evidence on how excessive phone use undermines relationship quality.

4. Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. Jossey-Bass.

   • Shows how avoiding conflict or handling it poorly contributes to long-term resentment.

5. Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630–649.

   • Reviews key findings on commitment, trust, and everyday behaviors that predict marital satisfaction

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• What are the Four Horsemen of Relationships
• Tips to Listen to Your Spouse without Getting Defensive