As spouses, we sometimes do seemingly innocuous things that end up being much more harmful to our marriage than we realize,ย especially if we do themย repeatedly over time.
In other instances, what might look like “normal” behaviors can actually be a warning sign of underlying distress within the relationship.
To keep the allegorical “slowlyย boiling frog”ย out of your marriageโin which you fail to notice the gradually increasing levels of damage until it’s reached the point of no returnโit’s helpful to be aware ofย common ways that spouses (often unknowingly)ย undermine their relationships. Becoming moreย aware of these actions, andย others like them, can help youย sustain a healthy bond with your spouse.
Here are five to look out for.
1. Complaining About Your Spouse to Others
Some people use grievances with their spouses as social currency, as if whomever amongย a group of friends has the most exasperatingย spouse “wins.”
The truth is, there’s a difference between confiding in aย trusted loved one and complaining just to complain. Always speaking negatively about your spouse, even in jest, can color your perception of your marriage and slowly erode the trust between you (especially if your spouse hears through the grapevine the things you’ve said).
So, the next time you’re with friends who are all airing their grievances, dare to be different: switchย out a complaint for a compliment. Observe how it makes you feel or how itย shifts the mood.
2. Being On Your Phone Too Much
Cell phones, social media, and the internet can have aย compulsive-like appeal to many of us. But constantly scrolling on your phone when you’re around your spouse is a huge form of disengagement.
This is true even when you’re just doing “passive” things together, like watching a movie or lying in bed at night. Byย sticking your nose in your phone, you’re essentially saying to your spouse that the phone is more important than they are.
It’s simple, even if difficult: put the phone down. Switch it to airplane mode. Leave it in another room.ย Be more present with each other.ย Make eye contact, listen, and communicate. You don’t have to give up your phone completelyโjust stop allowingย it to overtake your spouse’s presenceย in your life.
3. Forgetting About The Little Things
“Little things” like doing a chore without asking, sending loving text messages “just because,” or bringing your loved one a snack or drink are like incremental deposits into your marriage. Over time, they really add up to something valuable!
The conscious decision to enrich yourย marriage through small, caring actions done often is one of the best ways to avoid undermining your relationship. Make it a game and see how many creative ways you can show you care.
4. Avoiding Conflict at the Expense of Authenticity
Do you frequently biteย your tongue or not express a needย to your spouse simply to avoid anย argument? While this may “seem” good-intentioned, you’reย essentially sayingย that it’s safer not to be yourself in your marriage. Careful: thisย can breedย major resentment over time.
Of course, it’s healthy and worthwhile to be discerning about when to dig in andย when to let go. But that doesn’t mean you need to abandon your needs and principles, either. Working with a marriage counselor can help you develop healthy skills and strategies to navigate conflict effectively.
Related Reading
- 3 Insightful Ways to Bring Up an Issue with Your Spouse
- Maximizer vs. Minimizer: Communication Styles in Marriage Explained
- When Parents Argue – Do Kids Notice?
- How to Disagree with your Husband or Wife Without Letting it Escalate to a Fight
- What are the Four Horsemen of Relationships
- Tips to Listen to Your Spouse without Getting Defensive
5. Not Following Through
Imagine you have a friend who always shows up to things lateย or bails at the last minute. How long would it be before you stop inviting them to hang out?
Failing to follow through in your marriage leads toย that same level of disconnection. Your spouse will learnย not to trust you nor take you for your word, even if only subconsciously.
So, show up. Pay attention to the things you promise to your spouseโwhether that’s a date later this week, a night of physical intimacy, or a Saturday morning to tackle a major household projectโand do your absolute best to follow through. Even if something comes up, make sure to touch base and reschedule. This tells your partner that you respect their time and energy.