When someone you care about is going through a marriage crisis, it’s natural to want to help. But here’s the hard truth: sometimes, even with the best of intentions, friends and family can unintentionally make things worse.
I’ve seen many struggling marriages unravel further because of outside involvement that—though well-meaning—ended up fueling blame and deepening conflict. Helping requires sensitivity, compassion, and wisdom.
If you want to know how to support your friend in a way that actually strengthens their marriage instead of harming it, here are three powerful ways to do it.
1. Save Your Friend’s Marriage by Truly Listening
You may think you’re a good listener, but often we don’t realize how easily we slip into:
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Offering unsolicited advice.
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Comparing their experience to our own.
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Minimizing or dismissing their feelings.
True listening is not about fixing. It’s about creating space for your friend to feel safe and heard.
One powerful tool is mirroring: repeat back what your friend says in your own words without adding your opinion. When people hear their thoughts reflected, they often feel relief, gain clarity, and sometimes even discover their own solutions.¹
Validate their feelings (“That makes sense”), and show empathy (“I can imagine how painful that must feel”). Being present in their moment of pain is the greatest gift you can give.
2. Save Your Friend’s Marriage by Not Taking Sides
It’s tempting to rally behind your friend and criticize their spouse. But doing so can cause lasting damage. Remember—you’re only hearing one side of the story.
Healthy relationships are complex, shaped by both partners’ histories, personalities, and choices. Even when one partner calls me for therapy and shares their painful version of events, I always know there’s another side.
When friends or family demonize the other spouse, they often unintentionally trap their loved one in a cycle of blame. If the couple does decide to repair the marriage, it’s much harder for the offended spouse to soften or take responsibility when they’ve been reinforced over and over that their partner is “the problem.”²
⚠️ Of course, situations of physical or emotional abuse are exceptions. Abuse is never acceptable, and safety should always come first.³
But in most cases, neutrality is more supportive than judgment. Offering compassion without choosing sides helps your friend stay open to healing.
3. Save Your Friend’s Marriage by Referring Them to a Competent Professional
As much as you want to help, you cannot—and should not—be your friend’s therapist. The best thing you can do is encourage them to get support from someone trained to work with couples.
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Look for a licensed marriage counselor who specializes in couples therapy.
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Seek recommendations from trusted sources, not just whoever is “covered by insurance.”
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Make sure the counselor is marriage-friendly—meaning they hold hope for reconciliation and won’t push for divorce as the first option.
- Research demonstrates that specialized couples therapy, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Imago Relationship Therapy, is more effective than generic talk therapy for helping couples repair bonds⁴.
A competent therapist who believes in the possibility of saving marriages can guide couples through even the toughest situations. Their role is not to forbid divorce but to give the marriage its best chance to heal.
Final Thoughts
Watching a friend struggle in their marriage is painful. But by learning how to:
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Listen with empathy,
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Avoid taking sides, and
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Connect them with skilled professional support…
…you give your friend a real chance at healing and reconciliation instead of accidentally feeding conflict.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not to fix—but to support wisely.
FAQs About Helping a Friend’s Marriage
Should I tell my friend to leave their spouse if they’re unhappy?
No. Unless there’s abuse, it’s best not to advise them to separate. Instead, encourage them to explore counseling before making life-altering decisions.
How do I know if I’m helping or hurting?
If your involvement fuels more anger and blame, you may be doing more harm than good. Listening without judgment is usually the safest approach.
What if my friend refuses counseling?
You can’t force them, but you can gently share resources (like books, guides, or workshops) and remind them they don’t have to navigate this pain alone.
Sources
¹ Rogers, Carl. Active Listening and Reflective Communication. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 1957.
² Bowen, Murray. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Rowman & Littlefield, 2004.
³ National Domestic Violence Hotline. “Abuse Defined.” https://www.thehotline.org.
⁴ Johnson, Susan. Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press, 2019.
More inspiration on saving your friend’s marriage right:
- Is a friend meddling in your marriage?
- When all your friends around you are getting divorced
- Friends and Frenemies: How helps you feel better
negativity and conflict.
