[Podcast Episode 006] Validation Techniques for Couples

Feeling Heard & Validated: Why It Matters in Marriage

In a recent podcast conversation, Rivka shared a moment that may hit home for many couples: she was left feeling unheard and invalidated by an acquaintance. It raised an important question — do you feel truly heard and validated by your spouse?

Below, we explore why validation is so powerful in relationships, how to practice it well, and what to do when you don’t feel heard. (Links to research and trusted sources are in the footnotes.)

Key Takeaways

• Validation = acknowledging someone’s internal experience (their feelings, perceptions) without necessarily agreeing with them.

• Being heard and understood builds emotional safety and reduces defensiveness.

• You can validate someone even while holding your own perspective.

• Simple phrases like “What you’re saying makes sense” + active listening (mirroring, summarizing) can go a long way.

• Persistent invalidation is associated with emotional distance, resentment, and even the erosion of a relationship over time.

Why Validation & Feeling Heard Are Crucial in a Marriage

Emotional safety and intimacy
When one partner doesn’t feel heard, it’s as though they’re speaking into a void. Over time, this erodes trust and closeness. Research in couples therapy shows that emotionally responsive listening is one of the core elements of long-term relational health.¹

Prevents escalation and defensiveness
If feelings are dismissed or minimized (“You’re overreacting,” “That’s not a big deal”), a natural response is defensiveness or shutting down. Validation doesn’t mean conceding; it means saying: “I hear you. I know this matters to you.” That helps lower the emotional temperature.

A path toward constructive conflict
When both partners feel heard, it becomes possible to move from blame/attack to problem-solving. Validation is the bridge from emotional expression → mutual understanding → collaborative change.

What Validation Is (and Isn’t)

How to Validate & Listen Effectively in Marriage

Here’s a simple framework you can try:

1. Pause and center yourself
   Before responding, take a breath. Resist the urge to interrupt or fix right away.

2. Reflect or paraphrase
   Use your own words: “What I’m hearing is … Is that correct?” This signals that you’re trying to understand.

3. Name the emotion
   “You seem hurt/frustrated/disappointed” helps bring clarity to feelings that may be messy.

4. Acknowledge the logic in their experience
   Even if you disagree on facts, acknowledge: “I see why this would feel that way given what you’ve been going through.”

5. Ask a clarifying question
   “What do you need me to do right now — listen, give advice, brainstorm solutions, or just sit with you?”

6. Validate without losing yourself
   You can say: “What you’re saying makes sense.” You don’t have to “give up your view” to validate theirs.

Bonus tip from real couples:
One commenter on Reddit in a relationship advice thread said:

“Ask, ‘Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen right now?’ It helps you shift from problem-solving mode into validation mode.”²

Also: “Remove interest in fixing the issue, and instead just give someone the satisfaction of their feelings being validated.”²

What If You Don’t Feel Heard in Your Marriage?

If you consistently feel unheard, here’s a path forward:

• Name it gently: “I’ve felt lately like when I share something, it doesn’t land. Can we try something different when I talk?”

• Set conversational agreements: e.g. “Let me finish what I’m saying before responding,” or “First reflect back to me what you heard.”

• Use “I feel” language: Less accusatory. (“I feel invisible,” instead of “You ignore me.”)

• Therapeutic support: Couples therapy or relational coaching can introduce structured exercises in empathy, listening, and validation.

• Decide your boundaries: If repeated attempts to be heard are rebuffed, you must decide whether the relationship can sustain you emotionally.

FAQ — Answering What Couples Often Ask

Q: Can you validate someone if you disagree with them?
Yes — validation is about acknowledging their internal experience, not agreeing with the facts or conclusions.

Q: What if I can’t find the right words to validate?
Even a simple “I’m trying to understand you” or “That sounds hard” can open space. Use silence and presence — sometimes just being there matters more than perfect phrasing.

Q: Isn’t validation just letting people complain without accountability?
No. Healthy validation acknowledges emotions, but doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviors. You can say: “I hear you feel hurt, and I also think we need to address how we act toward each other,” or “I want to hold both your feelings and our shared boundaries.”

Q: How do you practice this over time?

• Set a ritual: e.g. nightly “check-in” where each partner shares how they felt and the other reflects back

• Use “mirroring” exercises during fights

• Recognize small wins — when either of you “feels heard”

• Seek guided exercises or a therapist’s structure

Final Thoughts & Suggested Call-to-Action

Feeling truly heard and validated is one of the deepest gifts couples can give one another. It shifts conversations from conflict to connection — and fosters trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety.

Sources

• Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.

• Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231.