How to Motivate My Spouse to Work on Our Relationship With Me
When you’re longing to reconnect and rebuild your marriage, few things are more frustrating than feeling like you’re the only one trying. If you’ve been asking, “How can I motivate my spouse to work on our relationship with me?”—the answer often isn’t in convincing, pushing, or pleading.
It lies in creating something far more powerful: emotional safety.
Emotional safety is the foundation of true connection. It’s what allows both partners to lower their defenses, be vulnerable, and show up fully. Without it, even the best intentions can fall flat.1 Let’s explore how you can use emotional safety to invite your spouse into working on the relationship with you.
Step 1: Reflect on Your Role in the Past
Before motivating your spouse, it’s essential to take an honest look at the emotional climate you’ve both shared.
We often—without realizing it—contribute to an unsafe emotional environment. Maybe you’ve been reactive during conflict, shut down when things got difficult, or pulled away when your spouse needed closeness. These moments can leave your spouse feeling judged or unsafe to open up.2
This isn’t about blame—it’s about ownership. When you say, “I realize I wasn’t always the safest partner, and I want to change that,” you immediately shift the dynamic. Taking responsibility is one of the most motivating things you can do.
Step 2: Focus on Emotional Safety First, Not the Outcome
It’s tempting to push for immediate change: “Let’s fix this now!” But if your spouse feels unsafe, they won’t fully engage—no matter how much they care.
Instead, make the relationship about safety first:
- Listen without interrupting or defending yourself.
- Validate their feelings, even if you disagree.
- Ask open-ended questions: “What was that like for you?”
- Acknowledge their pain without rushing to solve it.
The safer your spouse feels to be themselves—messy emotions and all—the more they’ll naturally want to reconnect.3
Step 3: Create Space for Vulnerability
Emotional safety grows over time, not under pressure.
Ways to create that space include:
- Express appreciation daily. Even small acknowledgments build trust.
- Model vulnerability yourself. Share your own fears and hopes without turning them into criticisms of your spouse. For example: “I sometimes shut down during arguments because I was scared of losing you.”
- Respect their process. If your spouse isn’t ready for deep conversations, let them set the pace. Consistency is more motivating than pressure.
Step 4: Invite, Don’t Pressure
A safe environment gives your spouse the freedom to choose—not the weight of obligation.
You might say:
“I would love for us to work on things together, because you and our relationship mean so much to me. Whenever you feel ready, I’m here.”
This kind of gentle invitation often feels far more compelling than demands.
Step 5: Be Patient and Consistent
Motivation doesn’t usually come from one dramatic breakthrough—it comes from building a track record of safety and support. Over time, even a hesitant spouse will begin lowering their guard.
Consistency reminds your partner that love and healing are possible—and that change doesn’t need to come through conflict, but through connection.4
How to Motivate Your Spouse to Work on the Relationship
| ❌ What Doesn’t Work | ✅ What Actually Motivates |
|---|---|
| Pleading, begging, or guilt-tripping | Gentle invitations that respect your spouse’s pace |
| Blaming or pointing out their flaws | Owning your part in past disconnection (“I know I haven’t always been safe…”) |
| Demanding immediate change | Focusing on emotional safety first—listening, validating, asking open questions |
| Overloading with “big talks” | Creating daily safety through small appreciation and vulnerability |
| Pressure and ultimatums | Patience + consistency: showing trust is possible through steady actions |
Final Thoughts: Motivating Your Spouse to Work on the Relationship
When you’re wondering, “How do I motivate my spouse to work on our relationship?”—remember:
Emotional safety isn’t just a tactic, it’s a way of being. By owning your part, focusing on safety, and practicing patience, you’re creating an environment where your spouse feels safe enough to join you.
If you’re feeling stuck, working with a licensed marriage counselor can provide tools and perspective. Whether through online marriage counseling programs or immersive marriage intensives, expert guidance can be the breakthrough your relationship needs.
Key Takeaways
- Emotional safety is essential—without it, motivation is unlikely.
- Ownership motivates—acknowledge your role in past disconnection.
- Safety before solutions—listen, validate, and give space.
- Invitation works better than pressure.
- Consistency builds trust—change happens through patience and small daily actions.
FAQ: Motivating Your Spouse to Work on Your Marriage
Q: What if my spouse completely refuses counseling or retreats?
A: Start by modeling change yourself. Small, consistent shifts in how you communicate (listening, validating, showing empathy) can gradually soften resistance. Sometimes, when one partner leads with vulnerability, the other follows.
Q: Isn’t it unfair that I have to do all the work first?
A: It can feel that way—but remember, emotional safety invites reciprocity. By shifting your approach, you change the dynamic. That doesn’t mean you carry all the responsibility forever—just that someone has to take the first step.
Q: How long will it take before I see change?
A: Every couple is different. Some spouses open up quickly when they feel safer, while others need weeks or months of consistency before they engage. The key is patience + steady follow-through.
Q: Can emotional safety really make my spouse want to work on us?
A: Yes. Research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) shows that when partners feel secure and validated, they naturally become more motivated to repair and reconnect.³
Q: Should I ever set boundaries instead of waiting?
A: Absolutely. Emotional safety doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. If your spouse refuses to engage at all, you may need to set boundaries (e.g., “I want us to heal, but I can’t keep living with this level of disconnection.”).
Sources
Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. ↩
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge. ↩
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony. ↩
Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships. Wiley. ↩
