With any relationship, open communication and trust are key to success. When one partner is being secretive or hiding things from the other, this can effectively close communication and damage the trust that has been so carefully built from the start. Oftentimes, the partner that feels the other is hiding something feels distrustful and often distraught, constantly worrying about what is being kept from them and if it is something that will truly destroy their relationship.
While many secrets, such as infidelity or an addiction, can be truly destructive to even the healthiest relationships, there are others that may seem small or harmless, such as secretly hating their cooking or favorite movie. Even small deceptions can be damaging in the long run, breaking down healthy lines of communication and degrading trust.
If you have a gut feeling that your partner is hiding something and aren’t sure what to do next, we’re happy to help guide you along the right path. Keep reading to discover some of the most common signs of secrecy in any relationship as well as the steps that you can take to reopen lines of communication and move forward together.
Subtle Signs of Secrecy
Before we dive into how to address secrecy in a relationship, let’s first nail down what some of the most common signs are that you can keep an eye out for.
They Have a Sudden Change in Behavior
One of the first symptoms of secrecy in a marriage is a sudden, unexplained change in behavior. This can be something as small as them coming to bed 30 minutes later than normal or spending more time on their phone. However, this change in behavior can be even more substantial, such as a sudden need to spend more time out of the home without a reasonable explanation.
Their Communication Changes or Disappears Entirely
Another subtle sign of secrecy in any relationship is a change in communication. Whether it’s avoiding answering questions about odd behaviors or simply avoiding conversation with you entirely, this can be a sign that your significant other is hiding something. Another significant change in communication can involve complete absence, often unexplained, from home life or other planned activities.
They Become More Private with Their Phone and Social Media Activity
In our modern age of technology and international interconnection, another sign of secrecy to keep an eye out for in a marriage is excessive privacy around their phone or social media. This can involve them suddenly changing the passwords for either, deleting messages and emails or not letting you see what they’re doing on their phone or computer.
They Avoid Discussing Finances
This particular sign of secrecy is key when you have a relationship that involves shared finances and you practice openly discussing them together. If your spouse is suddenly hiding their financial statements, making big unexplained purchases or stashing away money in a separate account, this can be a sign that they are hiding something from you, such as a gambling addiction or an affair.
How to Break Through Secrecy in a Relationship
Now that we’ve laid out some of the top signs and symptoms of secrecy in a relationship, let’s talk about how to break through this pain point and re-establish open communication with your partner.
Pick the Right Time to Talk
Before you actually jump into any conversation about secrecy, it’s important to find the right time to do so. Try to identify a place and time with minimal distractions, where it’s just the two of you together in order to focus entirely on the conversation. Additionally, seek out a time that isn’t highly stressful in order to keep the conversation positive.
Be Clear and Assertive
When discussing secrecy, it’s important to be clear with your concerns. Identify what is bothering you with “I” statements without being accusatory. In addition, be open to discussing other underlying issues that can be potential causes for the perception of secrecy, such as stress from work or an unknown illness.
Practice Active Listening
In addition to being clear with your statements, it’s important to take the time to actively listen to your partner’s responses. Let them speak and share their own unique perspective on the situation without interruption and acknowledge how the situation is making them feel. Remember, there are two sides to any argument or perception – they may have something to share that can clarify the behavior.
Remember That You’re a Team
At the end of the day, it’s you and your spouse versus the world. Don’t forget that you are meant to work together to overcome any obstacle that comes your way, including secrecy or the perception of secrecy. Always remember that you both love one another and made a promise to support the other through thick and thin.
Ask for Help When You Need It
Unfortunately, there are some situations and some secrets that can be truly damaging to any relationship. If you feel that you are struggling with getting your partner to open up or if their secret is truly detrimental to your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek out the help of a licensed marriage counselor or professional couples therapist. These highly skilled and experienced individuals can help you work through the burdens and challenges of secrecy with tried-and-true methods and techniques.
If you are feeling truly lost or stuck in coping with secrecy in your relationship, you can always opt for something more exhaustive to get your relationship back on the right track, such as marriage intensive retreat or a couples retreat. These getaways offer a more intensive exploration of your relationship, with one-on-one work in a beautiful environment that will help reopen lines of communication and help guide you back to where you want to be in your relationship.
Breaking the Barrier of Secrecy: Rebuilding Trust and Open Communication in Your Marriage
When it comes to any relationship, secrecy can be damaging. Whether it’s a small, seemingly harmless secret such as not liking their trademark casserole or a large-scale deception such as infidelity, holding something back from your partner can negatively affect both their relationship and the mental health of each partner. To break through secrecy and reinvigorate your marriage, don’t be afraid to reopen lines of communication at the right time, be clear and thoughtful with how you speak, practice active listening and remember that you’re a team that will overcome the secrecy together. And when you need it, don’t be afraid to call in the professionals to get you right back on track in your marriage.
