Many people in painful, lonely, or chronically stressful marriages eventually wonder:
“When is it time to give up?”
“How do I know if my marriage is over?”
“Should I file for divorce, or try counseling one last time?”

These questions are among the most common searches couples make—especially when they feel emotionally drained, disconnected, or stuck in patterns that don’t seem to change.

This guide will help you understand what couples therapists look for, what is normal in long-term relationships, and what signs indicate your marriage still can be repaired—even if it feels hopeless.

What Couples Are Really Asking When They Search This Topic

People in crisis typically want clarity around:

• Signs a marriage is over vs. signs it’s salvageable

• How to know if “trying again” is worth it

• Whether emotional abuse or stonewalling means it’s time to leave

• Whether their spouse can change

• Whether marriage counseling can help when everything feels too far gone

• If divorce is the only option when trust is gone

• How long to keep trying before ending it

Why You Feel Like Giving Up

If your marriage has become painful, empty, or isolating, it’s understandable that you’re questioning whether to stay. You may be asking:

• “Why am I the only one trying?”

• “What if nothing ever changes?”

• “Does this count as emotional abuse?”

• “Have I wasted years of my life?”

These questions don’t mean the marriage is doomed—they mean you’re overwhelmed and seeking clarity.

A Real Example: “Do You Tell People When to Give Up on Their Marriage?”

A reader shared the following:

“I’m done. He never apologizes. He ignores me for days. He laughs about being a bad husband. I’ve tried so hard and I’m exhausted. Does this mean it’s time to give up?”

Her pain is real—your pain may be similar.

So the key question becomes:

Is Your Spouse Willing to Work on the Marriage?

This is the most important factor.

If your spouse is:

• open to counseling

• willing to examine their behavior

• able to listen to how you feel

• capable of empathy

• motivated to change

…then the marriage is almost always salvageable with the right structure.

But if your spouse is unwilling, hostile toward counseling, or denies everything outright, the path becomes more complex—but change is still possible with the right interventions.

Most couples don’t realize this:

People CAN change when the right process is in place.

Many don’t change because they’ve never had an emotionally safe environment to do it.

That’s why Imago Relationship Therapy is so powerful—it’s specifically designed to help couples stop triggering each other and start connecting in ways that feel safe enough for real change.

Before Filing for Divorce: A Reality Check

Divorce may feel like relief, but it comes with:

• Financial strain

• Emotional fallout

• Impact on children

• Loss of shared history

• Future relationship baggage

• Long-term regret if decisions are made in crisis

Most couples don’t want divorce—they want the pain to stop.

This is why last-chance marriage counseling and marriage intensives exist—because when disconnection goes deep, weekly sessions simply aren’t fast or intensive enough to create the turnaround you desperately need.

Signs the Marriage Still Has a Chance

Based on 20+ years of clinical experience in high-conflict couples:

• Your spouse is willing to attend counseling

• You both still want the marriage on some level

• There are moments of connection buried under the conflict

• You still have shared goals or family priorities

• The “real you” shows up occasionally—not just your defensive selves

• Neither of you actually wants to hurt the other

If these are true, a turnaround is possible—even if things feel unbearable now.

Signs You May Need Immediate Help (Not Divorce)

Many couples mistake these signs as “proof” the marriage is over:

• Chronic arguing

• Emotional withdrawal

• No apologies

• Coldness or irritability

• Feeling unseen or unimportant

• Resentment building over years

These are classic symptoms of the Power Struggle Stage in long-term relationships—not automatic divorce signs.

Most couples can recover from these with structured intensive therapy, not weekly talk-based counseling.

When to Consider a Last-Ditch Marriage Retreat Instead of Divorce

If you are dealing with:

• Emotional distance

• Resentment

• Years of unresolved fights

• Breakdowns in communication

• Infidelity or betrayal

• Feeling “done,” but also not wanting to leave

…a marriage retreat is often the most effective intervention.

Our 2-Day Marriage Restoration Retreat helps couples:

• understand the root of their triggers

• stop repeating the same fights

• rebuild trust

• communicate safely

• reconnect emotionally and physically

• leave with a step-by-step plan for the next 60 days

Many couples who were “one phone call away from hiring lawyers” end up fully reconciling.

If You’re at the Breaking Point

Before you make a life-changing decision based on exhaustion or fear, consider giving your marriage one final, structured attempt to heal—one that actually targets the deep issues, not just the surface conflict.

A marriage retreat can provide the clarity you need—either to rebuild the marriage or know you truly tried everything before walking away.

FAQ:

Should I get a divorce or try counseling first?

Research shows couples in severe distress often improve dramatically with intensive, structured therapy (such as Imago Relationship Therapy). A marriage retreat offers faster breakthroughs than weekly counseling and should be tried before divorce unless there is abuse.

Can a marriage retreat help when divorce seems imminent?

Yes. Many couples who were preparing to separate reconcile after a 2-day intensive retreat. Retreats help you understand the root of conflict, rebuild communication, and experience emotional safety—fast.

What if my spouse won’t go to counseling?

If your spouse resists therapy, start with a compassionate conversation about how the marriage feels to you and what you fear losing. Share that you’re not threatening divorce—you’re trying to save the relationship. Resistance often comes from fear, not unwillingness.

Is it normal to stop loving your spouse?

Yes. Most couples enter a “power struggle” phase where the brain shifts out of early-stage romantic neurochemistry. This can feel like falling out of love, but it’s reversible with the right tools.

Sources

• Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy.

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

• Whisman, M. & Snyder, D. (2007). “Couples therapy outcomes: Current state and controversies.” Annual Review of Psychology.

• Amato, P. (2010). “Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments.” Journal of Marriage and Family.

• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). “Research on the treatment of couple distress.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

• Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.