In any relationship, what’s deemed ‘normal’ can vary from couple to couple. Whether you and your spouse have silly date night practices, have a unique cooking routine, or manage childcare in an unexpected manner, what is normal for you may seem a bit odd to someone outside of your relationship. One such area of difference is that of sleeping habits. While it may seem common that couples share the same bed and sleep next to one another, there are many relationships in which this is not the case.
For those who are not used to the idea of sleeping separately in marriage, this concept can feel a bit daunting or as a symbol that the relationship is on its way to falling apart. However, there are plenty of circumstances in which separate sleeping arrangements can actually help benefit the relationship and improve the relationship overall.
If you and your partner are interested in learning more about the idea of sleeping separately and what it could mean for your marriage, we’re happy to help guide you along the path of discovery. Keep reading to hear more about common reasons why couples choose to sleep separately and the potential benefits that can come along with this practice.
The Outdated Negative Connotations of Sleeping Separately
Before we dive into the ‘whys’ of sleeping separately in a marriage, it’s important to first discuss the outdated beliefs that surround this decision. We’ve all heard the saying before – “They sleep in separate beds, so you know that the marriage is doomed.” However, this idea is one that is based on an outdated negative interpretation of the act of separating sleeping arrangements in married couples. It’s important to remember that this is just one interpretation of what is normal in a relationship and isn’t the only one out there – whether you sleep together or separately doesn’t have any actual negative implications for the health and wellness of your relationship.
In relationships where couples have different schedules and sleeping habits, having separate beds can actually prove to be beneficial, both physically and mentally. Think about it – how much easier is it to be active and present in your marriage when you are well-rested and not annoyed with your partner for keeping you up all night tossing and turning? How much less likely are you to be tired and feel resentment towards them for getting up hours before you, and you not being able to fall back asleep? The simple act of sleeping in different beds or sleeping in different rooms can give each spouse the freedom that they need to create the sleeping experience that will best suit them, without the worry of disturbing their partner.
The Why of Sleeping Separately
While many couples can sleep together in a single bed comfortably, there are many reasons why they may explore other options for sleeping arrangements when the need arises. These can range from physical issues, such as a lack of space or the temperature of the room, to simple scheduling issues, such as one spouse needing to wake up much earlier than the other. Here are some of the most common reasons that couples choose to sleep separately.
You Have Different Sleep Schedules
One of the most important reasons that couples initially decide to test out sleeping separately in a marriage is that their sleep schedule is vastly different. For example, if you need to wake up early in order to commute to work but your partner doesn’t need to get up for several hours, you may find that you preemptively wake them up with your alarm or that they keep you up late when they come to bed. By sleeping in separate rooms and separate beds, you can come and go as you please without worrying about disturbing your partner’s sleep or them disturbing yours.
You Have Different Sleep Habits
A second important factor in deciding to sleep separately is a difference in sleeping habits. This can range from the temperature of the room to the number of blankets on the bed to how dark you need it to be in order to get to sleep. Many couples differ here to varying degrees, which can cause some tension and disruptions in sleep. When you sleep in separate beds or separate rooms, you can create the sleeping space of your dreams, with the perfect lighting, ambiance, temperature, and bedding to help you feel as rested as possible.
You Don’t Have Enough Space
Another issue that many couples face in their relationship when sharing a bed is that you don’t have enough space to sleep comfortably. Some individuals, no matter how large the bed, may tend to spread out in their sleep, taking up more space than needed and leaving little to no room for their partner. This will lead the affected partner to sleep in contorted, uncomfortable positions in order to stay on the bed or them to wake you up in order to get more space. By sleeping separately, you can both have as much space as you need to sprawl out or snuggle up and get cozy.
Your Partner Snores
While it may seem like a silly reason to sleep separately, the truth is that snoring can be extremely disruptive to your partner’s sleep. This constant noise can keep your spouse awake at night and leave them prone to less deep sleep, which can result in exhaustion, both mental and physical, the following day. Conversely, they may nudge you or wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly, leaving you both feeling exhausted the next day. If you elect to choose to sleep separately, you can null this issue altogether, allowing you both to sleep peacefully without any interruption.
How to Approach Your Partner About Sleeping Separately
If you’ve found that you’re at your wit’s end trying to keep sharing a bed in your marriage and are intrigued by the idea of sleeping separately, it can feel terrifying to approach your partner with this idea. As we mentioned before, this concept has many preexisting negative connotations around it that imply that the marriage is over. However, taking the first step in discussing this option with your partner may just be what saves your marriage. It’s important to outline the reasons why you want to try sleeping separately clearly and fully, leaving room for discussion with your partner so that you can alleviate any of their fears around the health of your relationship.
And if you’re feeling stuck or in need of assistance, you can always reach out to a licensed marriage counselor via an online marriage counseling program to help give you the tools that you need to navigate this difficult conversation. Alternatively, attending a marriage intensive retreat is a great option to help take you through this conversation with a neutral third party that can give you truly valuable insight around why this may work for your relationship and what you can do to set yourselves up for success.
Why Sleeping Separately Might Actually Strengthen Your Relationship
While the idea of sleeping separately can feel a bit daunting in any relationship or marriage, it’s important to remember that this fear comes from outdated negative connotations around this practice. In fact, sleeping separately has the potential to help rebuild and restore relationships, in that it gives couples the opportunity to truly feel rested and sleep without interruption. This practice helps address the issues of different sleep schedules, different sleep habits, not enough space and snoring, allowing couples to create a truly restful experience that will help them feel rejuvenated and ready to put the time and energy into their relationship the next day.
