According to relationshipย researcherย Dr. John Gottman, the majority ofย problems married couples haveย are “perpetual.” These ongoing issuesย exist in virtually every relationshipโyes, even healthy ones.
The idea thatย most problemsย in your marriage areย “perpetual” may bring up thoughts of doom and gloom. After all, if a problemย persists indefinitely between spouses, how can they ever find peace and fulfillment in their relationship?
The truth is,ย perpetual problems don’t necessarily spell trouble for your marriage. Keep reading to learn more.
The Difference Between Perpetual and Solvable Problems
A solvable problem for a married coupleย has a relatively simple solution. It often is about aย specific situation or conflict. There’s usually no deeper meaning behind it and it’s not something a couple argues aboutย repeatedly.
Aย perpetual problem is an issue that spousesย revisitย again and again. They never reallyย come to an agreement and never seem to resolve theย issue.ย Based on his research, Dr. Gottman estimates that nearly 70 percent of problems arising withinย marriages are of this kind.
Perpetual problems reflect irreconcilable differences spouses have in their beliefs, values, andย core needs. These are fundamental differences in the way two people are. Notย exactlyย easy to changeโbut perhaps notย necessary to change, either.
4 Things to Know About Perpetual Problems
1. Perpetual Problems Are Different for Every Couple
Both solvable and perpetual problems can be about anythingโpolitics,ย religion, politics,ย timeliness, cleanliness,ย in-laws, money, sex,ย child-rearing, and so on. But what might beย a solvable problemย for one couple could be a perpetual issue for another.
So, don’t assume thatย a long-standing issue your married friendsย deal with is bound to be the same issue for you and your spouse.ย Spouses should take inventory of their relationship (and themselves)ย to determine what issues are trulyย persistent in their marriage.
2. Yes, Perpetual Problems Don’t Reallyย Go Away
It bears repeating: perpetual problems reflect irreconcilable differences between partners’ย beliefs, values, and needs. These issuesย represent fundamentally different ways that two people view and navigate in the world.
What this means is that couplesย would be better off learning how to cope with these issuesย rather than tryingย to solve themโor worse,ย trying to change their spouse or believing things would be better “if only” if their spouseย was different.
3. Beware:ย Perpetual Problems Can Turn to Gridlock
Perpetual problems aren’t inherently bad. But if theyย aren’t dealt withย appropriately theyย canย lead to trouble in aย marriage.ย In imago theory we refer to this as “gridlock,” a disruptiveย state that leaves spouses feeling like they’re justย spinning their wheels.
When a couple becomes gridlocked about a perpetual problem, they start to become adversarial with each other.ย Gridlock can leadย to frustration, resentment, defensiveness, contempt, emotional withdrawal,ย and other negative interactions that can weaken a relationship from the inside out.
4. How Perpetual Problems Are Handled is More Important Than What the Problems Actually Are
When it comes to coping withย perpetual issues,ย it’s notย about who’s right or who’s wrongย but how well a couple can discussย the problem in an emotionally intelligent way.ย Wondering how to do this? Here’s a cheat sheet:
- Communicate with affection, respect, patience, and even humor
- Be willing to accept the thingsย you can’t change about your partner
- Find common ground and areas of compromise that won’t violate either of your core values and needs
As you might imagine, these can be tough waters to navigate!ย Working with a marriage counselor can be incredibly helpful here.
Conclusion
Remember, it’s not about trying to “solve” perpetual problems in your marriage. It’s about learning how to actively cope with them in a respectful and cooperative way.