According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, the majority of problems married couples have are “perpetual.” These ongoing issues exist in virtually every relationship—yes, even healthy ones.
The idea that most problems in your marriage are “perpetual” may bring up thoughts of doom and gloom. After all, if a problem persists indefinitely between spouses, how can they ever find peace and fulfillment in their relationship?
The truth is, perpetual problems don’t necessarily spell trouble for your marriage. Keep reading to learn more.
The Difference Between Perpetual and Solvable Problems
A solvable problem for a married couple has a relatively simple solution. It often is about a specific situation or conflict. There’s usually no deeper meaning behind it and it’s not something a couple argues about repeatedly.
A perpetual problem is an issue that spouses revisit again and again. They never really come to an agreement and never seem to resolve the issue. Based on his research, Dr. Gottman estimates that nearly 70 percent of problems arising within marriages are of this kind.
Perpetual problems reflect irreconcilable differences spouses have in their beliefs, values, and core needs. These are fundamental differences in the way two people are. Not exactly easy to change—but perhaps not necessary to change, either.
4 Things to Know About Perpetual Problems
1. Perpetual Problems Are Different for Every Couple
Both solvable and perpetual problems can be about anything—politics, religion, politics, timeliness, cleanliness, in-laws, money, sex, child-rearing, and so on. But what might be a solvable problem for one couple could be a perpetual issue for another.
So, don’t assume that a long-standing issue your married friends deal with is bound to be the same issue for you and your spouse. Spouses should take inventory of their relationship (and themselves) to determine what issues are truly persistent in their marriage.
2. Yes, Perpetual Problems Don’t Really Go Away
It bears repeating: perpetual problems reflect irreconcilable differences between partners’ beliefs, values, and needs. These issues represent fundamentally different ways that two people view and navigate in the world.
What this means is that couples would be better off learning how to cope with these issues rather than trying to solve them—or worse, trying to change their spouse or believing things would be better “if only” if their spouse was different.
3. Beware: Perpetual Problems Can Turn to Gridlock
Perpetual problems aren’t inherently bad. But if they aren’t dealt with appropriately they can lead to trouble in a marriage. In imago theory we refer to this as “gridlock,” a disruptive state that leaves spouses feeling like they’re just spinning their wheels.
When a couple becomes gridlocked about a perpetual problem, they start to become adversarial with each other. Gridlock can lead to frustration, resentment, defensiveness, contempt, emotional withdrawal, and other negative interactions that can weaken a relationship from the inside out.
4. How Perpetual Problems Are Handled is More Important Than What the Problems Actually Are
When it comes to coping with perpetual issues, it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong but how well a couple can discuss the problem in an emotionally intelligent way. Wondering how to do this? Here’s a cheat sheet:
- Communicate with affection, respect, patience, and even humor
- Be willing to accept the things you can’t change about your partner
- Find common ground and areas of compromise that won’t violate either of your core values and needs
As you might imagine, these can be tough waters to navigate! Working with a marriage counselor can be incredibly helpful here.
Conclusion
Remember, it’s not about trying to “solve” perpetual problems in your marriage. It’s about learning how to actively cope with them in a respectful and cooperative way.
Key Takeaways
-
About 70% of marital conflicts are “perpetual,” meaning they recur over time due to core differences in values, needs, or personalities.
-
Perpetual problems are not inherently bad—what matters most is how couples manage and communicate around them.
-
Solvable problems are situational and often have clear solutions, while perpetual problems tend to be tied to enduring differences.
-
Left unchecked, perpetual problems can lead to gridlock—a cycle of frustration, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
-
The healthiest marriages are those where spouses learn to cope respectfully with perpetual issues, using empathy, humor, compromise, and emotional intelligence.
-
Working with a marriage counselor can help couples develop skills to manage perpetual conflicts without eroding connection.
Sources
-
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishing.
-
Foundational research showing that nearly 70% of marital problems are perpetual.
-
-
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Understanding Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems. Retrieved from gottman.com
-
Provides guidance on managing perpetual problems to avoid gridlock.
-
-
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
-
Discusses conflict patterns and how couples can sustain relationships by addressing issues constructively.
-
-
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the New Millennium: A Decade in Review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630–649.
-
Reviews research on marital stability, conflict, and communication.
-
