The good, the bad, and the “please-don’t-do-this-to-your-marriage.”
Hi, I’m Rivka Slatkin—wife of a marriage counselor, adult child of divorce, and co-facilitator of our Getting the Love You Want™ couples weekend workshops. Because I’m not bound by a clinician’s constraints, I can say out loud what many couples quietly sense:
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Not all “couples therapy” is the same.
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The paradigm your therapist uses (individual vs relational) can make or break your marriage.
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And yes—well-meaning professionals sometimes unintentionally push couples further apart.
If you’ve wondered “Why didn’t therapy help us?” or “How do we pick someone who won’t take sides or label one of us?”—this is for you.
What I See Behind the Scenes (working with therapists and couples)
1) Many therapists see couples without specialized training
In most places, clinicians can hang a shingle for couples without formal, hands-on couples training. That’s like hiring a tax attorney for criminal defense. You deserve someone who’s studied attachment, conflict dynamics, and structured dialogue.
2) Insurance can incentivize labels that undermine the relationship
Diagnosis codes are often required for reimbursement. Labeling one partner can plant seeds of doubt (“Maybe they are the problem”) and shift focus away from the relationship system that needs healing.
3) The DSM moves with the culture
What’s considered “disordered” shifts over time. All the more reason to work with someone who emphasizes relational health over pathologizing one person.
4) The individual paradigm vs the relational paradigm
In individual therapy, the therapist protects their client. In couples work, that stance can be destructive. Example: a wife describes her husband’s behavior alone in individual sessions; the therapist—never seeing the couple together—labels it “abusive.” Suddenly divorce feels like the only safe option.
Relational paradigm work brings both partners into the room, observes interaction patterns, and treats conflict as a doorway to healing—not proof one person is broken.
(Safety note: if there is danger, coercion, or violence, prioritize safety and seek specialized help immediately.)
5) Two individual therapists + one couples therapist = mixed messages
Progress in joint sessions can unravel when partners return to individual therapists operating from an individual lens. Alignment matters. Ideally, your couples work becomes the shared healing container for both pasts and present patterns.
6) Who values marriage? Everyone
We work with non-religious and religious couples of every background. Across the board, people want to protect their marriages—they just need the right method and map.
How to Choose Couples Therapy That Actually Helps (Checklist)
Use these questions when interviewing a therapist (you’re allowed to interview!):
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Training: “What specific training do you have in couples therapy (e.g., Imago, EFT, Gottman), and at what level?”
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Process: “How will you prevent taking sides? What’s your structure for hard conversations?”
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Paradigm: “Do you work from a relational model rather than an individual one when we’re together?”
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Safety & scope: “How do you handle high-conflict sessions? What are your protocols for safety?”
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Momentum: “What frequency do you recommend at the start? What does success look like to you?”
If You’re Already in Therapy and It’s… Not Helping
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Name the process, not the person: “We leave sessions feeling more divided. Can we use a structured dialogue so we both feel heard?”
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Request the shift: Ask for a relational approach (mirroring, validation, empathy; time-boxed turns; no cross-talk).
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Consider a reset: If misalignment persists, switch to a therapist trained in a connection-first model—or jumpstart with an intensive.
What We Do Differently (and why it works)
At The Marriage Restoration Project, our work is grounded in Imago Relationship Therapy and trauma-aware, structured dialogue. We focus on repairing the relationship (the system), not declaring winners and losers.
Explore options that protect your bond while you do deep work:
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Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat + Follow-Up Sessions — a focused, accelerated reset with eight weeks of support afterward.
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Getting the Love You Want™ Couples Workshop — small-group weekend to learn safe dialogue and reconnect.
(Therapists reading this? We also run clinician trainings—ask about Imago Fundamentals dates.)
Key Takeaways
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The model matters: choose a therapist trained in a relational paradigm with a structured process.
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Labels aimed at one partner often erode trust; protect the us.
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Two individual therapists can unintentionally pull a couple apart—align around joint goals.
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You can (and should) interview therapists and ask hard questions.
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If weekly sessions stall, an intensive can create safety and momentum—fast.
FAQ
Isn’t individual therapy important too?
Yes—for personal trauma or stabilization. For relationship change, prioritize a shared container (couples therapy) so your new patterns form together.
What if my therapist keeps taking sides?
Name the process respectfully and request a structured dialogue. If it doesn’t shift, you can switch—your marriage deserves better.
How do we know it’s “unsafe” vs just uncomfortable growth?
If there’s fear, coercion, threats, or violence, seek specialized help immediately. Otherwise, discomfort during honest dialogue is normal and often healing.
We tried therapy before and felt worse. Is there hope?
Absolutely. Method, structure, and training matter. Many couples feel relief through Imago-based intensives because both finally feel heard.
About the Author
Rivka Slatkin is co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, facilitator of Getting the Love You Want™ workshops, and an adult child of divorce who’s passionate about helping couples avoid the pain she lived through. Alongside her husband, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC (Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist), she helps couples worldwide rebuild connection through intensives, workshops, and online programs.
Sources & Further Reading
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Hendrix, H., Hunt, H. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
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The Marriage Restoration Project: Private 2-Day Marriage Intensive; Getting the Love You Want Workshop.
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Imago International: Relational paradigm and dialogue resources.
