What to Do If You Are No Longer Physically Attracted to Your Spouse

Life changes us.
Children, stress, hormones, aging, illness, and weight gain all shape how we look over time. It’s completely normal for partners to look different than they did when you first met.

But what happens when those changes affect physical attraction?
What do you do if you’re no longer physically attracted to your spouse — and you’re scared of what that means for your marriage?

The good news:
Losing attraction doesn’t have to mean losing love.
And it doesn’t have to mean the marriage is over.

Here’s how to understand what’s really going on and how to move forward with compassion, honesty, and emotional maturity.

Start by Remembering Why You Fell in Love

You chose your spouse for a reason.
There were qualities — emotional, intellectual, spiritual, relational — that drew you in long before you noticed changes in their appearance.

Attraction is multidimensional.
Physical appearance is only one part of it.

Before making any conclusions, reconnect with the whole person you chose.

When Physical Attraction Drops, Get Curious — Not Critical

If something bothers you more intensely than expected, or you find yourself reacting with strong disgust, shame, or judgment, that’s often a sign there’s something deeper going on.

As the saying goes:

“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This means your reaction might be tied to:

• childhood messages

• cultural expectations

• internalized judgments

• past trauma

• old wounds about body image

• your family’s beliefs about weight or beauty

Ask yourself:

• What did I learn growing up about people who gained weight?

• Were physical appearances heavily commented on in my home?

• Did my parents or caretakers criticize bodies or idolize “thinness”?

• Did I internalize that love = looking a certain way?

Your reaction may have much more to do with your past than your spouse’s body.

That doesn’t make you a bad person.
It makes you human — and worth understanding.

Remember: You’ve Changed Too

Bodies evolve. So do faces, habits, energy levels, temperaments, and quirks.

If you asked your spouse how you have changed over the years, you might hear some eye-opening truths — and yet, they stayed.

Relationships last when partners extend compassion for being human.

What You Need to Decide Next

Attraction matters — but not all attraction is physical.
Emotional connection, safety, respect, humor, reliability, tenderness, and shared memories deeply influence desire.

Ultimately, you need to ask yourself:

• Are my spouse’s other positive qualities more important than physical changes?

• Is physical attraction the only area of disconnection, or is something else going on?

• Is this worth leaving the relationship or breaking up a family over? Honestly?

Most people discover that the problem is:

• emotional distance

• resentment

• unmet needs

• unresolved conflict

• lack of connection
  —not their spouse’s weight or aging.

When emotional intimacy increases, physical attraction often returns naturally.

Couples Therapy Can Reveal What’s Really Going On

If you’re willing to explore this in therapy, you may uncover:

• deeper fears

• childhood roots of your discomfort

• unspoken resentments

• unmet emotional needs

• shame or insecurity within yourself

• ways your partner also feels unseen or judged

In a safe environment, partners often reconnect physically once emotional safety is restored.

If you’re struggling to get honest or break through emotionally, a structured program like a 2-Day Marriage Intensive provides rapid clarity, healing, and reconnection.

Key Takeaways

• Attraction can fluctuate throughout the lifespan — it doesn’t mean the marriage is failing.

• Strong reactions often have deeper emotional or historical roots.

• Curiosity and compassion will get you farther than criticism.

• Emotional intimacy often reignites physical attraction.

• Professional support can help uncover what’s truly blocking desire.

FAQs About Losing Physical Attraction in Marriage

Is it normal to feel less attracted to my spouse over time?

Yes — attraction naturally ebbs and flows, especially through life transitions.

Does physical attraction matter in a marriage?

It matters, but it’s not everything. Emotional closeness, trust, and safety drive long-term desire more than physical appearance alone.

Can attraction come back?

Absolutely. Many couples reconnect physically once emotional intimacy improves.

What if my spouse’s weight gain really bothers me?

Explore what’s underneath the reaction — it may be tied to past beliefs, family messaging, or deeper emotional needs.

Should I tell my spouse I’m not attracted anymore?

Not without support. A therapist can help you communicate this in a safe, compassionate way that doesn’t cause lasting harm.

Sources

1. Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). “The Attachment System in Romantic Relationships.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
   (Shows how emotional closeness strongly influences perception of physical attractiveness.)
2. Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2017). “Is Romantic Desire Predictable?” Psychological Science.
   (Findings: attraction changes over time and is influenced by emotional dynamics, not just appearance.)
3. Meltzer, A. L., et al. (2014). “Marital Satisfaction Predicts Weight Gain Over Time.” Health Psychology.
   (Explores how life changes and weight gain naturally occur in long-term relationships.)
4. Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1995). “The Longitudinal Course of Marital Quality and Stability.” Psychological Bulletin.
   (Demonstrates how satisfaction declines when emotional needs go unmet, often misattributed to physical changes.)
5. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). “The Self-Fulfilling Nature of Positive Illusions in Romantic Relationships.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
   (Shows how focusing on a partner’s positive qualities increases both emotional and physical attraction.)
6. Aron, A., Norman, C., Aron, E., et al. (2000). “The Self-Expansion Model of Motivation and Cognition in Close Relationships.” In Handbook of Positive Psychology.
   (Explains how novelty, connection, and emotional discovery reignite attraction.)
7. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
   (Illustrates how emotional intimacy creates long-term desire far more than physical traits.)
8. Cash, T. F., & Smolak, L. (2011). Body Image: A Handbook of Science, Practice, and Prevention.
   (Addresses how societal messages about weight and appearance influence attraction and relational stress.)