Have you ever walked out of a couples therapy session feeling worse than when you walked in?
You’re not alone. While couples therapy can be life-changing when done well, not every therapist is trained—or committed—to working with relationships as a system. In fact, some therapists unintentionally make things harder by focusing on individuals instead of the couple as a whole.
So what should a couples therapist not do? Below, we break down 11 red flags to watch for so you can protect your relationship and find the right kind of help.
1. Let You Reenact the Same Fights From Home
Therapy shouldn’t be a place to replay old arguments. If sessions just become venting or rehashing the same fights, without structure or tools, you’re not moving forward—you’re just paying to stay stuck.
2. Take Sides or Play Referee
A good couples therapist never decides who’s “right” or “wrong.” Their role is to stay neutral and help you understand each other better. If your therapist aligns with one partner, it destroys trust and deepens disconnection.
3. Impose Their Personal Beliefs About Marriage
If your therapist pushes their own views—like prioritizing individual fulfillment over the relationship, or suggesting separation as a first option—that’s a red flag. Your therapist should support your goals for your marriage, not impose theirs.
4. Pathologize One Partner
When a therapist labels one person as “the problem” or diagnoses a partner without context, it creates blame and shame. Effective therapy addresses the relationship dynamic, not just one partner.
5. Ignore the Systemic Nature of Relationships
Couples therapy is not just two people in therapy at the same time. A therapist who doesn’t understand systems thinking may try to “fix” each individual separately instead of seeing how both partners co-create patterns.
6. Avoid Tough Conversations
Growth requires discomfort. If your therapist avoids conflict to keep the session “pleasant,” nothing changes. You need a safe space to face real issues—even if it gets uncomfortable.
7. Allow Endless Venting Without Direction
If every session is a complaint-fest, you’re not learning new skills. Venting without structure just reinforces negative cycles. Therapy should guide you toward better ways of talking and listening.
8. Lack a Clear Structure or Method
Strong couples therapy is built on a proven framework, not passive listening. Without structure, couples can spin in circles and feel like nothing ever improves.
9. Fail to Teach New Communication Tools
If you’re still arguing in the same ways you do at home, therapy isn’t working. A skilled therapist teaches dialogue patterns and tools that help you connect in new, healthier ways.
10. Plant Seeds of Doubt About the Relationship
Even subtle comments like “maybe you’re not compatible” can harm your relationship. Unless both partners have chosen separation, a therapist should protect hope and help you explore repair first.
11. Suggest Divorce or Separation Prematurely
One of the biggest red flags: a therapist suggesting divorce before you’ve done the work. Unless both partners explicitly ask for support around separation, a good therapist helps you heal and rebuild—not walk away.
You Deserve a Therapist Who Believes in Your Relationship
The right therapist sees the potential in your marriage—even when you’ve lost sight of it. At The Marriage Restoration Project, we use a proven 5-step process in our private 2-day marriage retreats to help couples reconnect, repair, and rebuild.
FAQs: What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do?
Is it normal to feel worse after a session?
Sometimes, yes. Growth can feel uncomfortable. But you should always leave with a sense of direction, not despair.
What if my therapist seems to prefer one partner?
That’s a red flag. You can bring it up directly, or switch to a therapist trained in relational work who treats the relationship as the client.
Can couples therapy make things worse?
Unfortunately, yes. If the therapist takes sides, lacks structure, or undermines your relationship’s potential, therapy can damage trust. That’s why choosing the right therapist matters.
How do I find a couples therapist who supports staying together?
Ask directly: “Do you see the relationship as the client, or the individuals?” Look for training in relational, systemic, or Imago therapy approaches.
Key Takeaways
- Not all therapists are trained for couples work—some approaches can do more harm than good.
- Red flags include: replaying fights, taking sides, pushing personal beliefs, avoiding conflict, or suggesting separation too soon.
- A good couples therapist stays neutral, uses proven methods, and treats the relationship as the client.
- If therapy feels unhelpful, hopeless, or unsafe, you may need a new therapist with relational training.
Sources
Real, T. (2007). The New Rules of Marriage. Ballantine Books.
Gurman, A. S., & Fraenkel, P. (2002). The history of couple therapy: A millennial review. Family Process, 41(2), 199–260.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). What to Expect in Couples Therapy.
