Couples therapy can be deeply healing—but only when it’s guided by someone who understands the relational nature of the work. Not all therapists are trained in or committed to helping relationships succeed. In fact, some unintentionally make things worse by treating the couple like two individuals sharing a room, rather than a unit with its own dynamic. So what should a couples therapist not do? Let’s break it down.
What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do in the Therapy Room?
These are critical missteps that can derail the healing process instead of guiding it:
1. Let You Reenact the Same Fights from Home
If you’re simply repeating the same conversations you have at home—but now in front of a therapist—what’s the point? The role of a couples therapist is to interrupt unproductive patterns and facilitate new ways of communicating. When a session becomes a space for venting or rehashing, without structure or guidance, you’re not moving forward. You’re just paying to stay stuck.
2. Take Sides or Play Referee
A skilled couples therapist doesn’t act as a judge. They don’t decide who’s “right” or “wrong,” and they never align themselves with one partner over the other. Instead, they remain neutral, guiding the couple toward mutual understanding. Taking sides reinforces disconnection and undermines trust in the process.
3. Let Their Personal Beliefs About Marriage Influence Your Outcome
Some therapists hold personal or professional views that aren’t relationship-friendly. They may believe that individual fulfillment always comes first or that it’s better to leave a struggling relationship than to work through it. If your therapist subtly (or overtly) pushes you to question whether you should be together—especially early on—that’s a red flag. Their job is to support your goals for your relationship, not impose their own.
What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do If They Support Relational Healing?
These mistakes come from failing to understand the relational paradigm—a core mindset that views the couple as the client, not the individuals.
4. Pathologize One or Both Partners
When a therapist treats one partner as the “problem” or tries to diagnose individual issues without addressing the dynamic, it creates blame and shame—not healing.
5. Ignore the Systemic Nature of Relationships
Many therapists lack formal training in systems thinking or relational paradigms. Without this lens, they may try to “fix” each partner separately instead of understanding how each person co-creates the patterns they’re stuck in. Couples therapy isn’t just two people in therapy at the same time—it’s a different modality altogether.
6. Avoid the Tough Conversations
Growth requires discomfort. A therapist who avoids conflict to keep the session “pleasant” isn’t doing you any favors. Couples need help navigating real emotions and real tension. Otherwise, nothing changes.
What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do in Communication Work?
Effective therapy gives couples tools to communicate in new, healthier ways—not just vent or talk at each other.
7. Let Sessions Become a Venting Ground
If every session feels like a complaint-fest, you’re not learning anything new. Therapy should be intentional, not emotional release without direction.
8. Lack a Clear Structure or Method
A strong couples therapist uses a proven framework—not just passive listening. Without structure, couples can spin in emotional circles.
9. Fail to Teach New Dialogue Patterns
One of the biggest mistakes is when therapists let couples continue interacting with the same tone, energy, and style they use at home. A skilled therapist introduces new ways to connect and communicate.
What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do Regarding the Future of the Relationship?
When couples seek help, they are often holding on by a thread. The therapist’s role should be to protect that thread—not cut it.
10. Create Doubt About the Relationship’s Viability
Even subtle comments like “maybe you’re not compatible” can plant seeds of doubt that damage the relationship further. A good therapist protects hope unless both partners have clearly chosen to end the relationship.
11. Suggest Separation or Divorce
This is one of the biggest red flags. A therapist should never suggest separation unless both partners are asking for support in doing so. Jumping to separation ignores the deeper reasons why couples struggle—and misses the chance to heal.
FAQs: What Should a Couples Therapist Not Do?
Is it normal to feel worse after a therapy session?
Sometimes. Growth can be uncomfortable—but you should always leave therapy with a sense of direction, not despair.
What if my therapist seems to prefer one of us?
That’s a red flag. You can raise it directly with your therapist—or consider switching to someone trained in relational work.
How do I find a couples therapist who supports staying together?
Look for someone who’s trained in relationship systems therapy or relational modalities. Don’t be afraid to ask directly: “Do you see the relationship as the client, or the individuals?”
You Deserve a Therapist Who Believes in Your Relationship
The right couples therapist sees the potential in your relationship—even if you’ve lost sight of it. At The Marriage Restoration Project, we use a 5-step process in our private 2-day marriage retreats to help couples reconnect, repair, and rebuild.
