One of the most common questions we hear is:
“What do I do if my spouse refuses marriage counseling?”
It can feel discouraging when one partner is open to seeking help while the other is resistant. Maybe your spouse had a bad experience in the past. Maybe they don’t believe therapy works. Or maybe they simply don’t want to talk about your relationship in front of someone else.
Whatever the reason, you’re not alone—and you still have options. Here are four approaches that can help when your partner won’t come to counseling.
1. Avoid Ultimatums (No Begging, Threatening, or Nagging)
It’s natural to feel desperate when your relationship is struggling, but ultimatums often backfire. Saying things like “If you don’t come to therapy, I’m leaving” can create more resistance instead of openness.
Instead, try expressing your feelings calmly and respectfully:
-
“I feel sad that we’re struggling, and I’d really like us to work on this together.”
-
“I want to understand you better, and I think counseling could help us both feel heard.”
The key is to invite, not pressure. When your partner feels respected—not cornered—they’re more likely to soften.
2. Try the Route of Co-Parenting, Closure, or Conscious Uncoupling
Sometimes a reluctant partner may be more open if the focus is framed differently:
-
Co-parenting support: Position counseling as a way to protect your kids from conflict, even if the marriage is uncertain.
-
Closure conversations: Suggest therapy as a safe space to process what happened, even if they believe the relationship is over.
-
Conscious uncoupling: For some, knowing therapy isn’t about “fixing” but about finding clarity or parting peacefully removes pressure and opens the door.
Reframing therapy around these goals can shift their mindset from “I don’t need this” to “Maybe this could help.”
3. Work on Yourself First
Even if your spouse won’t join you, your own growth can change the relationship dynamic. Individual therapy or coaching can help you:
-
Understand your own triggers and attachment patterns
-
Learn healthier communication skills
-
Set clear boundaries without hostility
-
Model the kind of change you’d like to see in your marriage
Surprisingly, when one partner begins to shift, the other often follows. Sometimes your spouse just needs to see that change is possible.
4. Try the “180” Approach
The “180” (popularized by divorce recovery communities) means doing the opposite of what hasn’t worked. Instead of chasing, pleading, or over-functioning in the relationship:
-
You focus on your own well-being
-
You set healthy boundaries
-
You stop trying to control your partner’s choices
The goal isn’t manipulation—it’s reclaiming your self-respect and breaking negative cycles. Often, when the pressure lifts, the resistant spouse notices the change and becomes curious or more willing to engage.
Can Marriage Counseling Work if Only One Person Goes?
Yes—while it’s ideal for both partners to attend, change can start with one person. By shifting how you show up, you can influence the dynamic. Over time, your spouse may feel safer and more open to participating.
Key Takeaway
If your spouse won’t come to counseling, you’re not powerless. Avoid ultimatums, reframe therapy as co-parenting or closure, work on yourself, and try the 180. Many couples we’ve worked with have seen real breakthroughs when just one partner made the first move.
Remember: it only takes one person to start changing the dance.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 10:13 — 9.3MB) | Embed
