If you’ve been married close to a decade, you may have noticed a quiet shift. What once felt effortless now takes work. You still love your spouse—but the spark feels dimmer, conversations feel shorter, and daily life feels heavier.
This stage has a name: the ten-year itch.
It’s a common turning point where many couples begin to wonder, “Is this it? Have we grown apart?” The good news? You’re not alone—and it doesn’t mean your marriage is over. With awareness and effort, the ten-year mark can become a launchpad for deeper connection, not a dead end.
What Is the “Ten-Year Itch”?
The ten-year itch refers to a natural period of relationship fatigue and reevaluation that often occurs around a couple’s tenth anniversary.
By this point, many partners are juggling careers, raising children, managing finances, and keeping a household running—all while running on very little emotional fuel. The romantic energy that once came easily is often replaced by logistics, responsibilities, and exhaustion.
Why Couples Struggle Around the 10-Year Mark
A long-term study from Brigham Young University found that relationship satisfaction often dips steadily in the first decade of marriage and tends to reach its lowest point around year ten—especially for couples with children.
The reasons are both emotional and practical:
- Increased responsibilities: Parenting, work, and home life crowd out time for connection.
- Changing roles: One partner (often the mother) may shoulder more household and childcare duties, leading to resentment or fatigue.
- Less novelty: As routines replace spontaneity, passion can fade if not actively nurtured.
- Emotional drift: Without intentional effort, communication narrows to tasks instead of connection.
But here’s the hopeful part—research also shows that after the ten-year slump, satisfaction tends to rise again for couples who stick it out and keep growing together.
What This Phase Is Trying to Teach You
The ten-year itch isn’t a sign of failure—it’s an invitation to evolve.
You’re not the same people you were when you married, and that’s normal. The trick is learning to reconnect as the people you’ve become.
This stage is your opportunity to:
- Rediscover who your partner is today, not who they were when you first met.
- Relearn how to communicate and express affection under new life pressures.
- Recommit to your shared goals, values, and partnership vision.
Think of it not as “falling out of love,” but as learning how to love at a new depth.
Three Proven Ways to Reconnect and Outlast the Ten-Year Itch
1. Make Time for Your Marriage—Even When You’re Busy
When you’re exhausted from kids or work, your marriage often gets the leftovers. But love doesn’t survive on scraps—it needs intentional time.
- Schedule weekly or biweekly marriage time, even if it’s just 20 minutes after the kids go to bed.
- Put your phones away and talk—really talk—about something other than logistics.
- Look into each other’s eyes. A simple gaze can remind you of your connection before life got complicated.
2. Laugh More Together
Laughter is one of the most underrated tools for long-term happiness.
It reduces tension, releases bonding hormones, and reminds you that you’re on the same team.
- Watch a funny movie together.
- Swap stories about parenting fails.
- Find moments to be playful.
Studies even show that shared laughter increases feelings of intimacy—sometimes as much as physical affection does.
3. Stay Flexible—Learn to Roll with the Punches
Rigidity kills relationships. When you expect things to go perfectly, life will constantly disappoint you.
Happy long-term couples practice adaptability.
They accept that plans change, kids spill juice, and one of them will forget to pay a bill. When you let go of control and focus on grace, you protect your marriage from unnecessary conflict.
Flexibility isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom.
Our Personal Experience with the 10-Year Itch
As marriage counselors—and as a couple ourselves—we’ve lived this.
When our own marriage hit the ten-year mark, we were raising three young children and feeling stretched thin. The fatigue, the lack of connection—it all felt too familiar.
But that “itch” became the turning point that transformed our marriage. It pushed us to communicate better, invest in each other again, and ultimately build the framework we now teach to other couples through The Marriage Restoration Project.
Now, at over 20 years married, we can say with confidence: the ten-year slump doesn’t have to be the end of passion—it can be the beginning of a stronger partnership.
When to Seek Help
If you’ve been feeling emotionally distant, stuck in conflict, or unsure where to start, consider seeking guidance before the gap widens.
A Private Marriage Intensive Retreat or online marriage course can compress months of therapy into a few days of focused transformation—helping you reconnect, rebuild trust, and rekindle intimacy.
👉 Learn about our 5-Step Plan to a Happy Marriage
Key Takeaways
- The “ten-year itch” is a normal phase of marriage marked by fatigue and disconnection.
- It’s often caused by life stress, parenting demands, and unspoken resentment.
- Most couples who work through it find their marriage gets stronger in the years that follow.
- Time, laughter, and flexibility are your most powerful tools for reconnection.
- The ten-year mark isn’t the end—it’s the beginning of deeper love.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Is the ten-year itch real?
Yes. Many studies confirm a dip in marital satisfaction around years 7–10, often linked to family stress and routine.
Q2: Can a marriage survive the ten-year itch?
Absolutely. With effort, communication, and support, most couples move into a more stable and fulfilling phase afterward.
Q3: What if only one partner wants to work on it?
Change can start with one person. When one partner begins to shift their energy—showing appreciation, empathy, or curiosity—it often invites the other to follow.
Sources
- Brigham Young University. Marital Satisfaction Across Decades: A Longitudinal Analysis.
- American Psychological Association. Marital Transitions and Parental Stress.
- The Marriage Restoration Project. 5-Step Plan to a Happy Marriage.
