Surviving the Holidays After an Affair: A Practical, Heartfelt Guide
The holidays are supposed to be a season of warmth, connection, and family. But when you’re dealing with the shock and heartbreak of infidelity, everything about the holidays becomes a trigger—the family gatherings, the photos, the traditions, the pressure to “be happy.”
If you’re navigating the holidays after an affair, you may be wondering:
- Do we pretend nothing happened?
- Do we tell family?
- Should we take a break from each other?
- Can we even survive this?
You’re not alone—and there is a compassionate, structured way to get through this season without making the pain worse.
Below are the most effective therapist-backed strategies for coping with infidelity during the holidays while protecting your emotional health and laying groundwork for healing.
1. Hit Pause on the Big Conversations
Holiday stress amplifies everything—including the hurt of betrayal. This is not the best time to force intense conversations about the affair.
Instead, create a temporary agreement:
✔ “We will revisit the deeper conversations after the holidays.”
✔ “We’ll stick to practical steps to get through this period safely.”
✔ “We won’t ignore the affair, but we won’t have high-conflict discussions right now.”
Putting things on hold doesn’t mean avoiding healing.
It means stabilizing the crisis long enough to get through the most emotionally charged time of year.
Couples are often surprised that this simple pause helps reduce volatility and sometimes even creates small moments of reconnection.
2. Don’t Overshare With Family—Even If You Want To
When you’re hurting, it’s natural to want validation from the people closest to you. But sharing details of the affair with friends or family can create long-term damage:
- They may not forgive your spouse even if you choose to.
- Their opinions can intensify your confusion.
- Children may accidentally overhear.
- You may feel embarrassed later.
During the holidays, keep public conversations neutral, brief, and private.
Vent to a therapist—not at a holiday dinner table.
If asked about tension, you can say something like:
“We’re working through some things privately and appreciate your understanding.”
You maintain dignity, protect your spouse (which protects you later), and avoid creating more emotional landmines.
3. Protect Your Emotional and Physical Space
You do not need to:
✘ attend every event
✘ act cheerful
✘ show up with your spouse if it feels unsafe
✘ perform for others
Instead, ask yourself:
- “What do I need to feel grounded today?”
- “Do I need space? Rest? Quiet? A break from expectations?”
- “What obligations can I decline without guilt?”
Protecting your wellbeing is not selfish. It’s survival.
Physical self-care matters too—sleep, meals, hydration, movement. Your nervous system is overwhelmed. Support it.
4. Create Even One New Memory
If you are attempting to repair the relationship, sharing even a small positive experience can help interrupt the constant reminders of pain.
Examples:
- FaceTiming the kids to watch the holiday lights
- A quiet walk together
- Hot chocolate after the kids go to bed
- A no-pressure outing you both enjoy
Think of it as planting a seed—not erasing the past.
The goal is to maintain enough emotional connection to eventually do the deeper healing work.
For couples with children, creating positive memories is especially stabilizing—they need hope and emotional safety, too.
5. Ask for Expert Help (It’s Too Hard to Navigate Alone)
Infidelity is incredibly painful—and the holidays magnify that pain. You don’t have to struggle through it without support.
A licensed marriage therapist can help you:
- stabilize the crisis
- set boundaries
- avoid re-traumatizing each other
- rebuild safety and communication
- prepare for deeper healing after the holidays
For many couples, a marriage counseling intensive is the most effective way to rebuild trust quickly—far more than weekly one-hour sessions.
Seeking help is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
Healing From Infidelity During the Holidays Is Possible
The holidays won’t remove the pain, but they don’t have to destroy the fragile hope you still have.
By:
✔ pausing the heavy conversations
✔ keeping things private
✔ protecting your emotional space
✔ creating a few gentle new memories
✔ and seeking support
…you give your marriage the best possible chance to recover—not just survive.
The affair doesn’t have to define your marriage.
This season can be the bridge that leads you toward healing, repair, and a stronger, more connected relationship.
FAQs About Surviving the Holidays After an Affair
1. Should I tell family and friends about the affair?
It’s usually better to keep details private during the holidays. Confiding in the wrong people can complicate recovery later.
2. Should we take a break from each other during the holidays?
Only if being together feels unsafe or highly volatile. Otherwise, a temporary pause on deep discussions is often more helpful.
3. Can my marriage survive an affair at holiday time?
Yes—many couples heal after infidelity. The key is structure, support, and avoiding reactive decisions during highly emotional periods and find a process that can help you make amends when you’re ready. It’s hard to heal on your own from an affair and structured guidance can really help.
4. Should we still get gifts for each other?
If you’re unsure, discuss expectations gently. Even small, neutral gifts can help maintain basic goodwill.
5. When should we begin real affair-recovery work?
After the holidays, when emotions, time pressures, and family obligations are no longer inflaming the crisis.
Sources
- Glass, S. (2003). Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.
- Johnson, S. (EFT). Attachment theory in affair recovery.
- Gottman Institute. Research on betrayal, trust repair, and “Atone–Attune–Attach” model.
- Imago Relationship Therapy. Safety and connection as the foundation for repair.
- APA (American Psychological Association). Crisis intervention and relational trauma.
