When you’re stuck in conflict, feeling disconnected, or wondering whether you married the right person, it’s natural to ask:
“Should I keep fighting for my marriage?”
“Is this just a rough patch—or something deeper?”
Understanding the three stages of a relationship can help you orient yourself, reduce panic, and see a path forward. Research shows that all long-term relationships move through these stages—not just the struggling ones.¹
Instead of assuming your marriage is broken, recognizing these stages can help you determine what your relationship needs right now.
The 3 Stages of a Relationship
Stage 1: Romantic Love (The Honeymoon Phase)
In this first stage, your brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, two chemicals that boost connection while lowering judgment.²
This is why early love feels effortless and intoxicating—you overlook flaws, idealize your partner, and bond quickly.³
Purpose of this stage:
To create the emotional glue needed for long-term commitment.
But it cannot—and is not meant to—last forever.
Stage 2: The Power Struggle (Where Most Couples Want to Quit)
After 12–18 months, the neurochemical intensity fades.⁴ Differences surface.
Old wounds get triggered.
You stop feeling “seen.”
Arguments intensify.
Disappointment sets in.
This is the phase where couples ask:
“Did I marry the wrong person?”
“Why did everything change?”
But research shows the Power Struggle is not a sign of incompatibility—it’s an invitation to heal, grow, and move toward deeper intimacy.⁵
Why This Stage Hurts So Much
- Early idealization fades.⁷
- Partners misinterpret each other’s needs as attacks.
- Unresolved childhood wounds emerge in conflict.⁸
- Communication becomes reactive rather than connective.
This is the crossroads where many couples either fight their way through—or give up too soon.
Stage 3: Real Love (Conscious Marriage)
When couples learn emotional regulation, empathy, and structured communication, they grow into a deeper, more mature love.⁶
Real Love is characterized by:
- Mutual understanding
- Secure emotional connection
- Teamwork and respect
- Repair after conflict
- A sense of safety and being “chosen”
This stage isn’t automatic. You build it—together.
Why the Power Struggle Doesn’t Mean Your Marriage Is Over
Couples often think conflict means they’re failing. In reality, it means you’ve stopped idealizing each other and started seeing your real selves—which is exactly where deeper intimacy begins.
Understanding the stages helps couples:
- Avoid panic
- Stop blaming each other for normal developmental challenges
- Stay committed long enough to truly grow
Research confirms that couples who use structured dialogue methods—like Imago Dialogue—report higher relationship satisfaction and lower conflict over time.⁹
How to Move Beyond the Power Struggle
Here’s what helps couples transition from frustration to connection:
1. Express Needs Without Blame
Shift from “You never listen” → “I need to feel heard when I share something.”
2. Listen Without Defensiveness
Empathy builds emotional safety.¹⁰
3. Use Structured Communication Tools
Imago Dialogue helps both partners feel seen and heard—even during conflict.⁹
4. Grow Individually
Marriage is often a container for personal healing. When you grow, the relationship follows.¹¹
5. Get Support Before You Hit a Breaking Point
The couples who wait the longest are statistically at the highest risk of divorce.¹²
Key Takeaways
- All lasting relationships pass through three stages: Romantic Love, Power Struggle, and Real Love.¹
- The Power Struggle is normal, not a sign of incompatibility.⁵
- With support and structured communication, couples can enter Real Love.⁹
- The deepest stage requires self-growth, empathy, and intentional connection.¹¹
- Awareness helps you avoid panic and make better decisions about your marriage.¹²
FAQ: Should You Keep Fighting for Your Marriage?
How do I know if my marriage is worth fighting for?
If both partners still want the relationship on some level—and are willing to engage in dialogue—there is strong potential for repair. The Power Struggle can feel hopeless, but it is a normal developmental stage.
What if only one partner wants to work on the marriage?
Even one person’s willingness can create movement. Many couples re-engage once communication becomes safe and structured.
Does every couple go through the Power Struggle?
Yes. Research across relationship models shows all long-term partnerships pass through conflict as the romantic idealization fades.⁴
Can we skip the Power Struggle?
No—but you can move through it more smoothly with tools like Imago Dialogue, EFT principles, and empathy-building techniques.⁶⁸
How do I know if we’re in the Real Love stage?
You feel safer, more connected, and more emotionally regulated. Conflict still happens—but repair happens too.
Should we get a marriage intensive or weekly counseling?
Couples in the Power Struggle often benefit from a marriage retreat because it accelerates clarity and reduces reactive patterns quickly.
What if we’re considering divorce?
Before making a decision, understanding the stages can help you discern whether you’re ending the relationship—or just ending the Power Struggle.
Sources
¹ Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between.
² Acevedo, B. P., et al. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. SCAN.
³ Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
⁴ Aron, A., et al. (2005). Motivations for love: Neurochemical insights. Journal of Comparative Neurology.
⁵ Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
⁶ Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
⁷ Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). Positive illusions in relationships. JPSP.
⁸ Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage.
⁹ Rogge, R. D., et al. (2013). Skills training & marital distress prevention. JCCP.
¹⁰ Wenzel, A., et al. (2017). Empathy & relationship outcomes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
¹¹ Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2012). The Social Science of Marriage.
¹² Snyder, D. K., et al. (2006). Couple therapy: Current status. Annual Review of Psychology.
