Feeling Torn Between Divorce and Separation?
It’s one of the hardest questions a married person can ask:
“Should I get a divorce… or would a temporary separation help us heal?”
When your relationship feels stuck or broken, you may think time apart will bring clarity. But before you pack a bag or hire an attorney, it’s crucial to understand what separation actually does — and when it helps versus when it hurts.
A Real Couple’s Story
“My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We’ve had a rough year — she says I’m not emotionally connected anymore. Six months ago, she asked for a separation, then regretted it. We agreed to work on things, went to counseling three times, and ended up back in the same place. I mentioned divorce; she suggested separation. We say we love each other, but nothing’s changing. Should I just file? Or will a separation help?”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples wrestle with this same dilemma — torn between hope and heartbreak.
Why a Temporary Separation Usually Makes Things Worse
You may think space will give you perspective. In reality, it often increases distance.
When couples separate without a clear plan or professional guidance, the physical distance amplifies emotional disconnection.
Temporary separation can:
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Reinforce avoidance instead of resolution
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Allow resentment and fear to grow
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Give the illusion of “relief” while underlying issues remain unresolved
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Make reconciliation more complicated if new habits or relationships form
In other words — separation often accelerates divorce, not healing.
What to Do Before Considering Divorce
When someone says, “We tried counseling and it didn’t work,” I often ask: How long did you try?
Three sessions is not enough to create lasting change — especially if the therapy wasn’t relationally focused. Unfortunately, not all marriage counseling works; in fact, some types can make things worse if they focus on blame instead of safety and connection.
If one therapist didn’t help, it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be saved.
Would you stop seeking medical help after one poor diagnosis? Or would you get a second opinion?
Your relationship deserves the same persistence.
What Actually Helps Couples Recover
If you want to know whether there’s still hope, the best thing you can do is take structured, focused action together.
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Try an evidence-based couples therapy model, like Imago Relationship Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
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Consider a 2-Day Private Marriage Intensive, which compresses months of progress into a single weekend.
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If your spouse won’t attend therapy, begin with an online or at-home marriage course, like our 5-Step Marriage Restoration Plan.
Whatever you do — don’t give up after one failed attempt. If you love your spouse, your effort can still change the trajectory of your relationship.
When Divorce Might Be the Right Choice
There are times when divorce is necessary — such as ongoing abuse, infidelity without remorse, or addiction with refusal to seek help.
But most couples who feel “stuck” are actually experiencing what Imago therapy calls the power struggle stage — a normal and necessary phase of growth.
With the right support, that power struggle can become the turning point that rebuilds your connection stronger than ever.
(Learn more: Will a Temporary Separation Help My Marriage? Not Necessarily.)
Key Takeaways
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A temporary separation often worsens emotional disconnection.
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Most couples quit therapy too soon or work with therapists not trained in relational repair.
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Even serious marital crises can be healed with the right tools and commitment.
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Divorce is a permanent solution — make sure you’ve tried every proven option first.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. Will a temporary separation save my marriage?
Usually not. Unless guided by a therapist with clear structure and communication goals, separations tend to deepen emotional distance rather than repair it.
Q2. How long should a separation last if we try it?
If you do separate, limit it to 1–3 months and stay in regular contact with a therapist. The goal should be clarity and healing, not avoidance.
Q3. We tried counseling but it didn’t help. Should we just give up?
No. Many therapists lack specific training in marriage repair models like Imago or EFT. Switching to a relationally focused counselor can completely change your outcome.
Q4. What if my spouse refuses to try again?
Work on your side of the relationship. Shifts in one partner’s behavior can often reignite curiosity and willingness in the other.
Q5. When is divorce the right decision?
When the relationship is consistently unsafe — physically, emotionally, or psychologically — and efforts to change are met with denial or abuse.
Next Steps
If you’re considering separation or divorce, don’t make the decision in isolation.
Start with a Marriage Breakthrough Session or a Private Marriage Intensive Retreat to find out what’s truly possible for your relationship before walking away.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, helping couples worldwide rebuild safety, empathy, and lasting connection.
Sources
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Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.
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Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. Will a Temporary Separation Help My Marriage?
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Gottman Institute. Marriage Repair After Betrayal.
