When you’re asking yourself, “Should we separate or stay together?” the pain of indecision can feel heavier than either choice. Couples in this situation often feel emotionally exhausted, stuck in limbo, and unsure what the future holds.
As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and ordained Rabbi with over 20 years of experience, I’ve worked with thousands of couples facing this very question. My work has been featured in Business Insider, AARP, and The Baltimore Sun, and I’ve seen firsthand how clarity—whether to recommit or separate respectfully—can transform lives.
This article is designed to guide you through the process of finding closure and clarity in your relationship, and to help you see how structured approaches, like discernment counseling or a 2-day marriage intensive, can bring relief.
Why Couples Ask “Should We Separate or Stay Together?”
It’s one of the most common—and most painful—questions couples bring to therapy. Reasons include:
- Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected.
- Experiencing recurring conflict or resentment.
- Facing broken trust from infidelity.
- Living parallel lives rather than a shared one.
- Wondering if things can ever get better.
Uncertainty drains both partners. It’s not only the marriage that suffers—it’s your health, energy, and family. Staying “stuck” is often the most damaging option of all.
Stay, Separate, or Stay Stuck? A Comparison
Here’s what each path can look like:
| Path | What It Looks Like | Possible Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Stay & Recommit | Work through conflict, rebuild trust, develop new communication tools. | Renewed intimacy, stronger partnership, long-term growth. |
| Separate Respectfully | End the marriage with clarity, care, and a plan. | Co-parenting with less conflict, reduced emotional and financial cost of divorce. |
| Stay Stuck | Avoid making a decision, live in limbo. | Ongoing pain, unresolved resentment, loss of emotional safety. |
The first two paths—whether staying or separating—can bring peace and closure. The third path, staying stuck, only prolongs suffering.
What If Trust Has Been Broken?
For many couples, the question of whether to stay or separate comes after betrayal. Can a marriage survive infidelity? The answer is yes—with deep repair work.
Infidelity recovery requires:
- Honest exploration of what led to the affair.
- Tools to rebuild trust.
- A safe environment where both partners can express pain without judgment.
Sometimes, couples decide to recommit and rebuild. Other times, they decide separation is healthiest. But in both cases, the clarity gained prevents years of hidden resentment.
Related Reading: Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity?
How a Marriage Intensive Helps
Weekly therapy is often too slow for couples in crisis. A 2-day private marriage intensive provides:
- Dedicated time (hours, not minutes) to dive deep.
- A safe, structured environment to be fully heard.
- Discernment counseling techniques to help couples see whether repair or separation is possible.
- Tools for detoxing negativity so that either choice—rebuilding or separating—is made from clarity, not chaos.
Couples who attend often say it was the turning point: either saving their marriage or giving them peace of mind to move forward separately.
Learn more: What to Expect at a 2-Day Marriage Intensive
What to Ask Yourself Before Deciding
- Am I willing to look honestly at my role in our struggles?
- Do I still feel any love or longing for my spouse?
- What would separation look like—logistically, emotionally, financially?
- What would staying and fully committing again require of me?
- Have we truly tried everything, or do we still have options we haven’t explored?
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: How do I know if I should stay or separate?
A: If you’re deeply uncertain, a structured process like discernment counseling helps reveal whether the marriage has life left—or whether respectful separation is best.
Q: What if only one spouse wants to leave?
A: Many couples are “mixed-agenda” (one leaning out, one leaning in). A therapist trained in discernment counseling ensures both voices are honored.
Q: Can trust be rebuilt after betrayal?
A: Yes, with intensive work. Some couples recommit and emerge stronger; others find clarity that it’s time to part ways. Either way, clarity prevents regret.
Q: What if we decide to separate?
A: The retreat process helps couples separate with compassion and respect, minimizing emotional damage—especially important when children are involved.
Q: How fast can we get help?
A: Private intensives are on-demand. Many couples schedule within weeks, rather than waiting months for group retreat dates.
Key Takeaways
- “Should we separate or stay together?” is one of the hardest but most important questions couples face.
- Staying stuck is the most painful option—clarity (whether to stay or leave) brings relief.
- Trust can be rebuilt, but only with intentional, structured repair work.
- A 2-day marriage intensive helps couples decide with honesty and confidence.
- Either outcome—recommitment or respectful separation—provides closure and the ability to move forward.
Sources
- Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). Discernment Counseling: A New Way to Work with Mixed-Agenda Couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(1), 27–40.
- Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
- Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want. Holt Paperbacks.
- Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.
- American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). Effectiveness of Couple Therapy.
