by Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, licensed clinical professional counselor and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project
The holidays are supposed to feel joyful — but for many couples, they’re some of the most stressful weeks of the year.
As a marriage counselor, I’ve spent countless sessions helping couples prepare for holiday tension or recover from the emotional fallout afterward.
If you’re thinking about separating after the holidays, here’s what you need to know before making a decision that could impact you, your spouse, and your children for years to come.
Why the Holidays Create So Much Relationship Stress
Holidays magnify every part of family life:
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Complex dynamics with in-laws
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Questions about whose home to visit
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Kids home from school
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Shifts in routine
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Pressure to create “perfect” experiences
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Emotional expectations
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Unresolved resentment that’s been buried all year
Even couples who usually function well together find themselves overwhelmed.
The anticipation itself can be stressful — and once the holiday arrives, many couples feel emotionally overloaded, exhausted, or disconnected.
Why Some Spouses Choose to Leave After the Holidays
Every year, we receive messages from readers whose spouse leaves right after the holidays.
The pattern is heartbreakingly common:
Leaving before or during the holiday feels too painful for the family, so the spouse waits until the holiday is over.
But this timing creates deep emotional consequences:
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“This was our last holiday together.”
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“Every holiday reminds me of the moment they left.”
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“I spent the holiday pretending everything was okay.”
If you’re in this situation, your pain is real — and you’re not alone.
Why You Should Avoid Impulsive Decisions (Unless You Are in Danger)
Decisions made during periods of extreme stress are rarely wise.
When the nervous system is overwhelmed, the brain cannot access logical thinking. It switches into survival mode — not long-term clarity.
Leaving a marriage because of:
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holiday stress
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overwhelm
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emotional burnout
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exhaustion
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a short-term crisis
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anxiety
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fear
…can lead to life-altering consequences you may later regret.
Unless you or your children are unsafe, don’t make permanent decisions during temporary emotional storms.
Many People Give Up Before Seeking Real Help
One of the saddest trends I see is this:
People end their marriages before seeking any professional help —
or after only trying one therapist whose approach wasn’t the right fit.
Imagine having a life-threatening illness:
If one doctor gave you a grim prognosis, would you stop trying?
Or would you get a second opinion, then a third?
Relationships deserve the same level of effort — maybe more, since they affect your spouse, your children, and generations after.
A Reader Question: “Is My Wife Serious or Just Stressed?”
A husband recently wrote:
“I don’t understand why the holidays are so stressful for my wife. I enjoy getting together with family and buying the kids gifts. She’s panicking, overwhelmed, and telling me she wants a divorce because she’s tired of doing everything. Should I take her seriously?”
Answer:
Your wife is likely experiencing intense holiday anxiety.
This may be a familiar pattern for her. While her words are painful to hear, she may be expressing overwhelm, not intention.
Validate her feelings. Support her through the stress.
After the holidays, have a calm conversation about what’s happening emotionally for both of you.
When things settle, you’ll gain more clarity about the state of your relationship and what to do next.
Before You Separate: Press Pause Until the Holidays Are Over
Our challenge to you is simple:
Don’t make a life-altering decision during the holiday storm.
Shelve the decision — even temporarily — and revisit it with a clear mind afterward.
Better yet, consider scheduling a 2-Day Marriage Restoration Retreat to get true clarity, improve communication, and understand the real issues beneath the stress.
You deserve space to think clearly — not while you’re overwhelmed or emotionally raw.
Key Takeaways
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Holiday stress can trigger emotional extremes that distort decision-making.
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Many breakups after holidays are driven by overwhelm, not hopelessness.
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Avoid making permanent decisions in temporary emotional states.
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Validate each other’s feelings and reduce stress before evaluating the relationship.
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Seek support — marriage intensives can create breakthroughs quickly.
FAQs About Separating After the Holidays
Is it normal to think about divorce during the holidays?
Yes. Holidays intensify stress, old wounds, and family expectations. Many couples feel emotionally overloaded.
Should I take my spouse seriously if they threaten divorce during the holiday stress?
Take their feelings seriously, but don’t assume they truly want divorce until emotions cool and you can talk openly.
How do I know if separation is truly the right decision?
You need clarity, not crisis. After the holidays, reflect with professional support, not adrenaline.
What if I feel completely hopeless?
Hopelessness is often a symptom of disconnection — not final truth. Many couples turn things around after learning new tools.
Can a marriage intensive really help this late?
Yes. Many couples experience breakthroughs in just two days that weekly sessions struggled to achieve.
More inspiration about dealing with holiday stress:
- How to survive the holidays with extended family?
- Learning how to enjoy a peaceful marriage, from the Jewish Festival of Sukkot
- Am I overreacting to my wife’s girls night out Holiday Party?
- What to do when you’re experiencing problems with your in-laws?
Sources
- Bracke, P., Colman, E., Symoens, S., & Vandecasteele, L. (2010). Divorce, separation, and psychological distress: The role of social support. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 51(5), 327–349.
- Kposowa, A. J. (2016). Marital status and social well-being: A United States study. International Journal of Sociology and Social Policy, 36(1/2), 20–37.
- Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.
- Timmons, A. C., & Stanton, A. L. (2011). Couples coping with stress: The role of emotional approach and communal coping. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28(1), 100–123.
- Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. European Review of Applied Psychology, 55(4), 217–227.
- Whisman, M. A., & Uebelacker, L. A. (2006). Impairment and distress associated with relationship discord in a national sample of married or cohabiting adults. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(3), 369–377.
- Gelles, R. J., & Straus, M. A. (2017). Intimate Violence and Abuse in Families. Routledge. (For context on when immediate separation is necessary for safety.)
- Lerner, J. S., Li, Y., Valdesolo, P., & Kassam, K. S. (2015). Emotion and decision making. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 799–823. (Demonstrates how high emotional arousal impairs clear decision-making.)
- Bratsberg, B., & Fevang, E. (2013). Marital dissolutions and local labor market conditions. Journal of Population Economics, 26(4), 1005–1033. (Shows how external pressures and timing can influence decisions to separate or divorce.)
