When You Start Wondering If Your Marriage Is Worth Saving
If you’re reading this, you might be asking one of life’s hardest questions:
Should I stay married—or is it time to walk away?
Maybe you clicked on Seth Adam Smith’s viral post, “Marriage Isn’t for You,” expecting a story about someone giving up after a short marriage. Instead, you found a reminder that marriage isn’t about self-fulfillment—it’s about giving, commitment, and love as an act of service.
Smith’s words inspired millions because he reframed marriage not as “what do I get?” but “what can I give?” Yet for many people reading, this message triggered something deeper:
“What if I’m the only one giving?”
That’s a fair and painful question—and one worth exploring.
When Selflessness Turns Into Self-Neglect
Marriage is not meant to be martyrdom. While selflessness can strengthen love, it becomes unhealthy when it turns into self-erasure.
If one spouse keeps giving while the other remains selfish, checked out, or even emotionally abusive, the dynamic becomes unsustainable.
Healthy love requires two willing participants—both committed to understanding, healing, and growing together.
If your marriage feels one-sided, it’s not time to give up—it’s time to get curious. What’s really driving the disconnection?
(See also: Overcoming Intimacy Issues Caused by Childhood Trauma)
What Marriage Counselors Know (That Couples Often Don’t)
As a marriage counselor, I never tell couples to stay or to leave. My role is to help you see what’s really happening beneath the surface—and to teach tools that make healing possible.
Many couples think they’ve tried everything, but often they’ve only scratched the surface.
They’ve focused on fighting less, not on understanding why they fight.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we help partners discover how their conflict actually reveals unmet childhood needs and emotional wounds. Once those needs are understood and met safely, even relationships that seemed “hopeless” often begin to heal.
When It’s Time to Reconsider the Marriage
Of course, not every marriage can—or should—be saved.
If your relationship is physically unsafe, your priority must be protection and safety.
Verbal and emotional abuse can be harder to identify, but when one partner refuses to take responsibility or seek help, staying together may cause further harm.
Still, many relationships that appear “toxic” are actually trauma-bonded, not doomed. With help, even deeply entrenched patterns can change.
(Explore: Can This Marriage Be Saved?)
The Commitment Shift: Why Staying Matters (Even When It’s Hard)
The healthiest relationships are built on a commitment to the relationship itself, not just the person.
It’s about asking:
“What does our relationship need to heal?” rather than “What do I need to win?”
When both partners shift their focus toward the relationship as a shared entity, real transformation happens. Commitment doesn’t mean being trapped—it means being devoted to the process of repair.
Too often, people give up on marriage at the moment they’re standing on the edge of a breakthrough.
Discomfort, conflict, and vulnerability aren’t signs of failure—they’re signs of growth trying to happen.
When You Feel Like You’ve Tried Everything
If your marriage feels “beyond repair,” consider this:
If a doctor told you that you had six months to live, would you stop after one failed treatment? Of course not. You’d keep seeking help until you found what worked.
Your marriage deserves the same determination.
That’s why we created our 2-Day Marriage Restoration Retreat—for couples who are hurting but still have a spark of hope. In just one weekend, couples often rediscover what made them fall in love and learn tools to rebuild from the ground up.
(Learn more: Private Marriage Intensive Retreats)
When Divorce Is the Healthier Path
Sometimes, despite best efforts, staying married is not the answer.
If one partner refuses to engage, seek help, or stop harmful behavior, separation may become an act of self-respect.
But even then, the work you’ve done to heal and understand yourself ensures your next chapter will be healthier and more conscious.
Whether you stay or go, you deserve peace, clarity, and growth.
Key Takeaways
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Marriage is not about losing yourself; it’s about growing through love.
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Most marriages can heal if both partners commit to understanding and change.
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Abuse and unwillingness to seek help are clear signs the marriage may not be safe.
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Commitment means staying open to repair—not accepting pain as permanent.
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Even struggling couples can find clarity through marriage counseling or retreats.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, he helps couples transform painful patterns into connection through private intensives, workshops, and online programs.
Sources
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Smith, S.A. (2013). Marriage Isn’t for You. The Huffington Post.
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Hendrix, H. & LaKelly Hunt, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. “Can This Marriage Be Saved?”
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Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
elationship, and that’s the reason why people are so taken with what he wrote.
And may his story inspire us all to co-create the relationship of our dreams.
