Filing for divorce is a life-altering decision. But what if you’ve already filed and now find yourself wondering: “Did I make a mistake?”
If you regret filing for divorce, you’re not alone. Research shows that many people second-guess divorce decisions, and some couples even reconcile before the process is finalized. The good news? Filing papers doesn’t always mean the marriage is over — especially if both partners are open to change.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist who has worked with hundreds of couples at the brink of divorce, I’ve seen regret act as more than just doubt. For many, it’s a signal: the marriage still matters, and there may still be something worth saving.
Why Do People Regret Filing for Divorce?
Couples file for divorce for many reasons: constant fighting, emotional distance, or the exhaustion of trying to fix things over and over again. At the time, ending the marriage may feel like the only option left.
But once the papers are filed, the reality of divorce hits differently. Regret may show up when you realize:
- You miss your partner, not just the routine.
- You wonder if you gave up too soon.
- You still long for connection, intimacy, and repair.
- You fear the ripple effects on your children, family, or finances.
Regret doesn’t always mean weakness. It often means there’s still something — or someone — that matters deeply.
Signs of Regret vs. Fear of Being Alone
It’s important to know whether your second thoughts are genuine regret or simply fear of change.
| Signs of Genuine Regret | Signs of Fear (Not Love) |
|---|---|
| You miss your spouse and the bond you had | You mostly worry about money, logistics, or social status |
| You’re willing to try new tools to repair the marriage | You want things “back the way they were” without change |
| You long for emotional and physical connection | You dread loneliness more than you miss your partner |
| You still believe in your partner’s core goodness | You focus only on what you’ve lost, not what you can build |
Is It Normal to Regret Filing for Divorce?
Yes. Divorce is symbolic as much as it is legal. Filing feels like a line in the sand, and many people feel a wave of doubt once that line is crossed.
In fact, research from Divorce Reconsidered (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002) shows that regret is common, especially in marriages where the conflict was moderate but not unfixable.
Can You Stop Divorce Once Papers Are Filed?
In most states, yes. You can often withdraw or pause the proceedings — especially if the divorce hasn’t been finalized. Courts typically allow couples to change course if both parties agree.
Always check with your attorney about the specific laws in your state.
What to Do If You Regret Filing for Divorce
- Talk Honestly With Your Spouse
Share your feelings of regret without blame. Focus on your desire for reconnection rather than guilt or shame. - Seek Structured Support
Weekly therapy helps some couples, but intensive marriage retreats often provide the space and focus to rebuild quickly. Many couples tell me they accomplished in two days what would have taken months in weekly sessions. - Avoid Old Cycles
Don’t fall back into the same arguments. Use safe communication tools like validation, empathy, and intentional dialogue. - Focus on Repair, Not Blame
Regret signals the desire for change. Use it as motivation to build something new — not to rehash the past.
Can Couples Reconcile After Filing for Divorce?
Yes. Many couples not only reconcile but end up stronger.
- A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Amato & Hohmann‐Marriott, 2007) found that some marriages ended prematurely — even though interventions could have prevented divorce regret.
- Couples who pause, reflect, and seek help often report higher satisfaction later if they rebuild with new skills and perspective.
One couple at our retreat came after filing for divorce. By the second day, they looked at each other with new eyes and decided to pause the process. Today, their marriage is thriving.
Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce Regret
❓ Is it normal to regret filing for divorce?
Yes. Many people second-guess divorce. Regret often signals the marriage still matters to you.
❓ How do I know if my regret is real — or just fear of being alone?
If you miss your partner and want to reconnect, that’s regret. If you mostly fear finances or loneliness, it may not be about love.
❓ Can I stop the divorce once it’s filed?
Often yes, depending on your state. Talk with your lawyer about withdrawing or pausing proceedings.
❓ What if my spouse doesn’t feel the same way?
Reconciliation takes two. But sometimes one partner’s openness to change softens the other over time, especially in therapy or retreat settings.
❓ Can couples really come back stronger after divorce papers are filed?
Yes. With intentional repair and new tools, many couples rebuild stronger bonds than they had before.
Key Takeaways
- Divorce regret is common and often signals the marriage still matters.
- Filing doesn’t always mean it’s over — couples can pause or even stop proceedings.
- Regret is not weakness — it’s often a call for a reset, not an ending.
- Structured support like therapy or marriage retreats helps couples rebuild faster and with more safety.
- Couples who reconcile often report stronger, more satisfying marriages than before.
Sources
- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
- Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W. W. Norton.
- Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2009). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Utah Commission on Marriage.
- Amato, P. R., & Hohmann‐Marriott, B. (2007). A comparison of high- and low-distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3), 621–638.
- The Marriage Restoration Project. (n.d.). Last Chance Marriage Repair Retreat.
